HOLLYWEIRD, CA - Despite being (a) married and (b) a mother, actress Anna Paquin insists that she is "really, really, really-really and truly-bisexual." Sexuality is not a "given" the actress claims, "but a choice, and, although I love Stephen enough...
BENTONVILLE, AK - Suffering from sluggish sales, in part caused by Amazon.com's massive online retailing venture, Walmart associates, perhaps taking a cue from the TruTV series World's Dumbasses, may have begun staging practical jokes to generate pub...
It took four years and millions of dollars to learn what girls want. Now that they've figured it out, "it's a snap," Neil Jacobsen, the company's CEO says. Before the research was completed, top toy makers offered girls the same toys they sold boy...
Reese Witherspoon, named for Reese's Pieces, because, her parents predicted, she would be a "sweet treat" for the boys, debuted as an actress in 1991, when a casting couch call resulted in her being offered a role in The Man in My Moon. Marriages She won an Enema Award for Illegally Blonde. She also played hard to get in Crude Intentions, in which her then-husband Ryan Phillippe tried, throu...
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - Not content to spy on just his own citizenry, President Barack Obama also allegedly ordered the U. S. National Insecurity Agency to peep on millions of Europeans. According to reports leaked by Edward Snowden, Obama is intere...
Having had the misfortune to have been named after both a French city and a hotel, heiress Paris Hilton "never had a chance," Freudian psychoanalyst Ima Shrink contends, explaining, "She lacks penis envy." Be that as it may, many consider Hilton to be a "tremendous success," the heiress mom, Kathy Hilton, insists. "How many other young women without talent, looks, or brains have become the sens...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA, via WASHINGTON, DC -- The Gay and Lesbian Defamation League of Gentlemen (and Ladies) has announced that, in the wake of the Supreme Court's decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, thus paving the way for a multitude of g...
WASHINGTON, D. C. -- Psychiatrists privately suggest that President Barack Obama may be developing paranoia. "He seems to believe that everyone is out to get him," Dr. Hy Mann said, off the record. Another shrink. Dr. Si Ko, agreed with his co...
Before he was Mr. Fantastic, he was Reed Richards, just an ordinary guy without the superpowers he acquired once he transformed himself into Marvel Comics' version--okay, ripoff--of Quality Comics' Plastic Man. Reed was hot for Johnny Storm's older sister, Susan, but she wouldn't give him the time of day because, according to locker room talk, he had not only an undersize, but a miniscule, peni...
Born in 1964, Daredevil, "The Man Without Fear," is the son of Stan Lee and the late Bill Everett, and a half-brother to Everett's son, by parthenogenesis, Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner. Daredevil also goes by the alias of Matt Murdoch, pretending to be the son of wealthy Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News and may other alternative or underground media. Daredevil (aka "Matt Murdoch") is one of M...
Born of an incestuous union between The Whizzer (aka The Pisser) and his sister, Miss America, the Scarlet Witch (nee Bitch) became the life partner of her brother Pietro ("Quickie") Maximuff until they divorced in 1965, after which the Witch wed the no-count, ne'er-do-well Vision, a member of The Avengers (or maybe he was the Avengers' member; Marvel's historians disagree on the matter). Her n...
If you're seeking an exotic, romantic destination, look no further. Ttravel adviser, Roman de Roads, has the perfect place for you: the temples of Khajuraho, India. Temples? How romantic could they be, unless they involve a temple prostitute? you may be wondering. The answer, Roads assures us, is "way romantic!" In fact, he says, there is "nothing sexier on the planet." What makes the...
MIAMI, FL - Booger King spokesman Stanley Snodgrass announced the fast-food giant's introduction of a new menu item that will be offered only at franchises in beach and summer resorts. "It's a little risqué," Snodgrass confessed. "The buns are sha...
HOLLYWEIRD, CA - In an attempt to reduce spiraling production costs associated with special effects-laden fantasy and adventure movies, Hollywood filmmakers are making spaghetti Westerns again in the hope that these cheap films may make a comeback am...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - At the invitation of former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, her "good friend," artist H. R. Giger has agreed to license his artwork for use in another of his series of so-called "Giger Gay Bars." If the bar does well, Pelosi...
CHICAGO, IL - Christie Hefner, Hugh's daughter and president and CEO now that her father, the magazine's founder and publisher emeritus, is encumbered by his having to wear Depends diapers for adults to avoid embarrassing accidents, announced during...
WASHINGTON, D. C. - With the stroke of a pen, President Barak Obama signed an executive order by which 1600 Pennsylvania is no longer part of the United States. "We've seceded," First Lady Michelle Obama confirmed rumors that the nation's capitol is...
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