I well remember a holiday that I spent with my family in Cornwall when I was a boy. Oh, those glorious summer days when the whole of my body was covered in soft downy hair and I knew that I would grow up to be rich, or famous, or both. About half-way through the holiday, Sally and myself went for a walk along the cliff tops. After an hour we stopped and sat on the grass, and gazed across the se...
A top English Premier League club has an opening for a full-time professional footballer to work within a highly motivated multi-lingual team of prancing prima-donnas. Interested parties should be able to demonstrate a high level of skill, and will be required to show their ability to blow their nose with one finger, and gob large amounts of spit onto the floor. The successful applicant will al...
Britain's last remaining Mackeson well, located in Stepney, East London has finally run dry after 105 years of production. Mackeson, a sweet milk stout, is probably best known for the TV catchphrase: 'It looks good. It tastes good. And by golly it...
Following the news of the decline in the number of pass grades in English Literature, the Stoodents Younion of Grate Britten have commissioned a re-print of the Blyton Book of Smut for distribution to all state schools. The following jokes are a random sample taken from it: A lady goes to the Police Station. "Can I help you?" says the policeman. "I hope so" says the lady. "You see, a man has...
It was announced, yesterday, that Manchester United have signed the 14th century artist Raphael Sanzio from FC Munchen Gladbach for an undisclosed sum. Rover's manager Fergus Alexson was said to be delighted with the team's new acquisition, having...
Kevin Smalley, 48, a clerk at Natleys Bank has been dismissed from his job after a senior manager discovered that he had lent £10 to a fellow employee. The reciprocant of the loan, Wendy Smidgin, a sales counter assistant at the same branch, had m...
Papers released by the government today under the accidental off-side rule, reveal that during the height of the cold war, Britain's intelligence service -MI6, carried out a wide ranging investigation of the popular entertainer Bruce Forsyth. Init...
In the past, building an atomic bomb was something only attempted by terribly clever, brainy chaps who were good at doing really hard sums, and crossword puzzles in The Times. Now however, it's possible to build your own atomic bomb without any training, and at relatively low cost. There really is no better way to pass a dreary bank-holiday weekend than by producing and detonating your very own...
Dorking Council today revealed plans for a synchronised swimmer's sanctuary to be built at the rear of the Speedy-Fit tyre depot on Bleasdale Street. The sanctuary, which will include a heavily chlorinated Olympic size pool, with an underwater sou...
West Ham United learnt today that they will not become tenants of the Olympic Stadium after the completion of the 2012 London Olympics. A study carried out by the London Sport & Tourism Executive concluded that West Ham's history of poor resul...
Scandinavian fish! What are you talking about man? Why would I waste my precious time learning about something that I'll never have occasion to use? Well, you may say that (and in fact just did), but what if you were given a free cruise around the coastline of Scandinavia as a thank-you gift from a close relative eh? You could hardly refuse to take it, could you? It would be impolite for a star...
You may think that flying a light aeroplane is something terribly complicated, and also quite difficult for the untrained novice to do. But in fact, it's actually much simpler than you may imagine. Use this 'cut out and keep' guide to enable you to pilot a light aircraft without the need for expensive flying lessons. You will need: 1) Someone else's aeroplane. Choose a small one with only on...
The following notes are taken from case study number 37, vis-a-vis Wendy Box, who has been admitted to ward 15 following over half a century of infatuation with the late American singer Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley first came to the attention of Wendy Box in 1956 when he released the song Heartbreak Hotel. The young Miss Box, then a 14 year old schoolgirl, would pass her free time in the Red Ca...
Following the announcement that France's triple A rating has been downgraded to Double A plus status by rating agency Standard & Poors, which has had the effect of increasing French government borrowing costs by 0.25%, there has been much discuss...
There was dancing in the streets of Mayfair last night, when The Chancellor, George Osborne refuted claims that living standards within the UK were falling. Speaking during an off-the-record interview, he is reported to have said: "I honestly c...
Police have revealed that the body of a first World-War soldier was discovered in a Dorking flat last Tuesday. It appears that the corpse had remained un-noticed underneath a bed within the flat for up to two years before being discovered. Dork...
Greetings to all friends in England from the peoples of Germany. This Christmas being is much wonderful time here. The markets traditional have many peoples there in. Hot wine and sweetmeats buying there of. Also many other things. Here in the markets are also selling the traditional Christmas tree branch of chocolate bar Hamburg which fish is selling. Also hats. Many sorts for wearing...
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