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Because I love you all, here is a sample of a novel I am writing. It is a Children's Story. I have great hopes of getting it sponsored by The British Egg Council, and of film rights etc etc. I am very excited, and I hope you are too.

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It was a sunny morning in Eggland. The sun was high in the blue sky. It shone like a golden yoke. Its yellow light illuminated the countryside in which the little house of Young Egg stood like a dazzling white cube (although it was a rectangle really: it was an optical illusion caused by the yoke-coloured light, ho ho).

Young Egg was having breakfast in the kitchen with his mother.

"Mother", said Young Egg, "do I have to eat this boiled egg? Surely this is an act of cannibalism?"

"Nonsense, Young Egg!" declared Egmina Omelette (for it was she, who was Young Egg's mother). "You must eat up your boiled egg. How else will you grow to be a strong big egg like your father, Eggbert Omelette? He wouldn't have won the 'Big Egg of the Year' trophy if he hadn't eaten his boiled eggs when he was a young egg like you, now, would he?"

"Rubbish, Mother", said Young Egg. "Besides, I hate eggs. I am sick of living in a world of Eggs. When I grow up, I intend to travel far beyond this silly land with its yoke-coloured sun and its cannibalistic breakfastings."

Egmina Omelette stirred in her seat. "Now that is no way for a young egg to talk. I...."

But she was unable to utter any more words of mature egg wisdom, for their breakfast debate was rudely interrupted by a terrible noise like screaming pigs.

The front door swung open. There in the gaping maw of the doorway stood their great enemy.

"Oh no!" cried Young Egg. "It's the Bacon Gang!"

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I hope you enjoyed this excerpt. I think you will agree that this is an exciting beginning in a keenly-imagined world and is auspicious of great happenings and I am a great talent and it is all very exciting etc etc blah blah.

Is there any chance that you and I could ham and egg this story? I could represent you to the American Egg Council in exchange for a percentage of royalties. Also suggest one more "blah" after "etc" for resonance effect.

Is there any chance that you and I could ham and egg this story? I could represent you to the American Egg Council in exchange for a percentage of royalties. Also suggest one more "blah" after "etc" for resonance effect.

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Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Is there any chance that you and I could ham and egg this story? I could represent you to the American Egg Council in exchange for a percentage of royalties. Also suggest one more "blah" after "etc" for resonance effect.

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You're on, it's a deal.

I'll give you 20% of all royalties.

I think it has great potential. Particularly in the first six words of the story. After that, it needs work.

But, writing is a learning curve. Or so I'm led to believe.


What do I know? You could make another fortune from this, EQ.

Here's an extract from my book.

"Chapter One."

Three years that's taken me. Personally I think it's time well spent.

I think Erskine's "book" preview is some sort of online scam, but I'm not falling for it. Oh no - I wasn't born yesterday. Or if I was I don't recall the detail but I digress.

Everyone knows that a "yoke" is a lump of wood slung around the neck of an ox to tie ropes to so it can pull stuff, or a lump of carved wood that humans slung across their shoulders to enable them to carry buckets of stuff.

Whereas a "yolk" is the yellow bit of an egg. The semi-globular bit that tastes nicer than the runny bit unless you're making meringues or something. But not omelettes because that just involves beating the contents of an egg to smithereens. So that doesn't count.

An erudite gentleman such as Erskin would surely be capable of differentiating between the two - seeing as he knows about obscure stuff like narwals and trivets and whatnot.

Erskin didn't write that - he knows better and has high standards.

Trust me - it's a scam. Next thing there'll be requests for bank details and pin numbers and stuff.

This Quint imposter doesn't fool me.

Think on.

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Quote: Skoob1999

I think Erskine's "book" preview is some sort of online scam, but I'm not falling for it. Oh no - I wasn't born yesterday. Or if I was I don't recall the detail but I digress.

Everyone knows that a "yoke" is a lump of wood slung around the neck of an ox to tie ropes to so it can pull stuff, or a lump of carved wood that humans slung across their shoulders to enable them to carry buckets of stuff.

Whereas a "yolk" is the yellow bit of an egg. The semi-globular bit that tastes nicer than the runny bit unless you're making meringues or something. But not omelettes because that just involves beating the contents of an egg to smithereens. So that doesn't count.

An erudite gentleman such as Erskin would surely be capable of differentiating between the two - seeing as he knows about obscure stuff like narwals and trivets and whatnot.

Erskin didn't write that - he knows better and has high standards.

Trust me - it's a scam. Next thing there'll be requests for bank details and pin numbers and stuff.

This Quint imposter doesn't fool me.

Think on.

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Hi Skoob

great to hear from you.

Well spotted, as the tiger said to the leopard. I will have words with my proffreeder. It might of course be a play on woads, seeing as how we are all yolked to the sun in a very real and binding sense (being egg-bound of course is no joke). If James Joyce could get away with it, why not I?

EQ, grand effort, apart from a slight slip of the banana skin (well they have the same colour) spotted by Sir Sleuth Skoob, master of detection and the hidden gem.

I prefer mine hard boiled actually with a dob of mayonnaise to enhance the abortion, but that's purely a matter of taste.

As for potential publishers, here's a tip; I heard male Penguins guard the eggs through harsh Antarctic winters so their wives can go shopping in warmer climates, Skeggy I believe...