Discussion Forum

I thought I'd start a thread where people could share random advice on stuff.
Anything. Doesn't matter how crappy you think it is.
Who knows?, maybe someone will find something useful.

It can be story writing related or any kind of shit.


Heres some from me:

* When buying shoes, make sure that you are wearing a pair of socks that are similar to the types you mostly wear normally. So in other words, don't wear thick hairy socks if you normally only wear thin ankle socks.


* Never smile at a stranger's baby if you are a man.
Immediately you will be perceived as being a weirdo.
It's better to look away from the child's gaze - at all costs.


* Never stand behind a cow and make a sudden loud noise.

* If you hold the door open for an old woman and she doesnt say "thanks", never mumble something like "fuck you, old bitch!" unless you are sure her muscular grandson is not around.

* Never cry in public while not wearing a disguise of some sort. It will haunt you for the rest of your life or at least until people forget.


Any other great random advice?
Everyone is welcome to contribute - not just the usual fucking motherfuckers.
Join in, friends and enemies!

The woman in your life.

Treat her like a lady.

Be a gentleman prepared to defend her honour at all times.

That should fool 'em. Works for me. They hate not being sure, unless they're shopping.

Great thread JB. This one could fly.

Regards

Skoob

Hope this is the kind of stuff you want, JB:


When buying fresh jalapenos in the grocery store, the ones with the darker skins will be hotter and the ones with the brighter green skins will be milder.

If you are a male in a crowd of women, be prepared to always take the blame when one of them farts. In fact, they will all look angrily at you as soon as it happens (including the guilty lady).

A woman who keeps looking at her watch on a date does not want to be there. If you find yourself in this situation, go ahead and proposition her immediately (in case you get real lucky). This will save money that you would have wasted trying to impress her enough to get into her pants.

When on a picnic, sneak a slice of lunch meat into another person's pocket. All of the flys, mosquitos, and ants will be attracted to them and will leave you alone.

Don't mind if I do, JB. I've got lots of wisdom to share. By wisdom, I mean stupid shit i've observed and taken the time to chronicle.

*If you only have one arm, you shoulnt drive drunk. You also shouldn't be holding your cell phone up to your ear with your only hand. You especially shouldn't do all of these boneheaded things at the same time.

*If you have a withered arm, you have an obligation to warn others when in a social setting. Somone may be drunk/not paying attention when you are introduced to them and they may shake your flipper by mistake. Which is akward for all parties involved.

*when carrying large sums of money with you, keep $20 in your wallet, max. Strap the rest to your thigh using strong ahesive tape. Not only will your money be safe from muggers, you'll have a nice, smooth, hair-free thigh in the bargain.

*When throwing a party, put some marbles in your bathroom medicine cabinet. Nothing adversises a snoopy guest like marbles hitting a porcelin countertop.

*Ketchup, relish and that sprig of parsely used to garnish an entrée do not count as veggies. The same goes for fruit rollups, jelly, and blueberry pancake syrup. These don't count toward your daily servings of fruit.

Never sit in a crowded bar talking to yourself. You will draw unnecessary attention and look like a complete loon.

Never fart on a first date. She won't turn up to the second one. Of course if it is a silent one, just deny all knowledge and hope that you get away with it.

If you're a really crap artist, try:

Sawing a sheep, a cow or a shark in half and displaying it in a glass case filled with formaldehyde.

Putting your skanky bed in an open space, with ashtray, empty beercans, stains and odours, old socks etc. for all to view.

Arrange some bricks in a random pattern on the floor and call it installation art.

It's worked before. Made millions.

Skoob

To save on heating bills, switch your boiler off and wear all your clothes at once. In fact to really save money, sell your house and move into a tent.

If you live in a glass house do not throw stones.

If you have a bird in the hand, try exchanging it for two in the bush.

When learning to play the harmonica always remember to suck and blow, not just to suck or blow.

If going out cycling for the day, do not have Bran Flakes or prunes fro breakfast. If you do, cycle in the woods.

When in Paris, try to speak at least a little French, or your stay will be miserable.

When in New York City, try to appear as hard as fuck so you don't get mugged by muggers or squirrels. This is addressed to a particularly cheeky squirrel I encountered in Madison Square Park.*

This applies even more so when walking down 125th Street being tailed by guys in Crip bandanas and your very un-streetwise wife wants to buy you a Huggy Bear 1970's style type pimp suit.

Skoob

Try to refrain from calling our Middle Eastern neighbors ragheads. The term is insulting and wrong. Those are actually not rags, they are tiny sheets. The people, then, should be referred to as sheetheads.

If those same people happen to be of the shi'ite persuasion of their religion, please remember to include the extra "i" and the apostrophe when spelling it out.

When greeting a Meskin, please be friendly and say hello in their language. You can also use the phrase "como esta frijole?" This translates literally to "how you bean?"

When in NYC avoid merry Irish Women in the High Bar at The Gramercy Park Hotel. Or you may end up jumping out of the elevator three floors before your stop and legging it like the clappers down the stairs in order to escape.

Skoob

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Quote: Skoob1999

When in NYC avoid merry Irish Women in the High Bar at The Gramercy Park Hotel. Or you may end up jumping out of the elevator three floors before your stop and legging it like the clappers down the stairs in order to escape.

Skoob

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And you want us to avoid that?

No, he wants you to avoid the bottom of the staircase as he may run into you.

Earl, how are you?

I was with Mrs Skoob at the time and they weren't exactly Beyonce lookalikes. Mrs Skoob cracked up at my discomfort.

Skoob

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Quote: Jalapenoman

No, he wants you to avoid the bottom of the staircase as he may run into you.

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Ah, thank you. Presumably the fire escape may be used also.

J-Man that was splendid. Mrs Grey still laughing.

Hi J man

Skoob

When on the London Underground in rush hour, don't yank your briefcase rudely by a bloke who's just been involved in something extremely personal and emotive.

Otherwise he might just kick your effin head in.

Skoob

Likewise applies if you're Alan Carr and you come across Monkey Woods, Fergus McCarthy or Skoob 1999.

Skoob

If you are the mother of a famous footballer do not steal clothing from a supermarket. It may lead to embarrassment.

When offered a Ferrero Rocher remember that the ambassador is really spoiling you.

When walking along a footpath, always try to avoid stepping in dog shit. It fucking stinks, and is murder to remove, especially if you're wearing trainers.

Don't smoke in bed, unless the bed is in someone else's house, and you are dressed and ready to evacuate to the garden once the fire alarm goes off.

If you're going to a football match, and you end up in a pub with opposing fans, wait until one of them goes to the bog, and then shit in his pint. The look on his face when he returns to find the 'bobbing log', will be well worth the effort.

But Chevron stock.
There. Secret of my success is out.

I have exciting news!!!!!

All these bits of advice are great!!!!


Here are some more to add to this growing collection of wisdom:


* When you've got a seat on a crowded bus and you don't wanna give it up, just pretend to be asleep. This avoids having to let old women and men sit down.
Also works on trains.


* If you want some privacy while at a urinal (this ones for the men and hermaphrodites only), make sure to talk to your penis as you do your business and swing it from side to side in a regular fashion.


* Crawling like a baby is a great way to get around on carpets and soft floors.


* Never spit into the wind. In fact, never spit. It's disgusting.

* When greeting someone who feels they are in a superior position to you (a boss or some other prick), always offer your left had for shaking. They will get confused and probably collapse in shock at being confronted with such a confusing situation.


* Never play peek-a-boo in a morgue.

* Never trust a man who says he wants to kill you.

* Never accept lifts from strangers - unless they offer you candy.

* Never try converting a sheep to Christianity. Devout Jehovah's Witnesses, they are.




Share your advice with the World, people!
I'm talking to you, forum user/lazy writer/pervert.

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Quote: queen mudder

But Chevron stock.
There. Secret of my success is out.

---

Hi there, Queenie.
Dropped in for our regular little flirt-athon, eh?

"But Chevron stock"?
Surely you mean "Buy"?
Maybe not.


I say buy shares in coal. Actually, fuck that.
Go out and dig for soem coal yourself.
Coal is the future, man.

Steam engines are all using it.
Pretty soon there'll be railroads popping up all over the place.
Those new-fangled motor vehicles are futuristic nonsense.
Coal, I tells ya.
Coal's where its at.

If you're a guy, never-ever try to piss up a flagpole!