Discussion Forum

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Quote: victor nicholas

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Quote: Skoob1999


I work a full time job, 12 hour shifts, four days on, four days off. I don't have the time to write under any other name.

Regards

Skoob.

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Skoob

Is that Spoof writing full time, 12 hour shifts, four days on, four days off?

Astounding discipline!

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Hi Doc

I'm usually too knackered to write articles on workdays. But I do try to visit the forums. I'm on holiday at the moment for a couple of weeks. The wifes gone to collect one of the grandkids for a visit, so what I'll usually do under these circumstances is log on to the Spoof and just leave it running. I'll go about my business and pop in every now and again to annoy everybody.

Regards

Skoob.

Forget writing chapters about fantasy spies, let's all write the legacy, dynasty, history of that amazing cult figure, Jesus Budda!!!!

Who wants to start chapter uno? Volunteers please!!!

You know, everyone on this site thinks Jesus Budda is a complete nit-wit. Even me. Even JB himslef. Well, of course, if I do, he has to, because he and I are the same person, but you know what I mean - JB is a nit-wit, it's official.

But let's all think again. A cursory glance at JB's Wordpress site reveals an altogether-different side of this much-maligned genius. Things that matter, real concerns, environmental issues - well, not environmental issues - and other important observations on day-to-day life, written in a clear and concise way that is easy to understand, and pleasing on the eye.

Take this for example: a recent piece on the rigours of childbirth. Budda lays it down straight; having a kid isn't easy, and he delves deeper than that. Why are babies so big? Why the pain? And why not men? All questions we all ask ourselves every single day of our lives, but Budda is the one that has posted them on his site, which is now worth more than $92trillion. Read on, and behold the master social commentator of our generation in all his glory:

Why is Giving Birth So Difficult?

Why is giving birth to a little baby so fucking difficult?

It seems so awkward and ….wrong!
Surely it should be less painful and easier?

I am not a woman.
I just thought I'd get that out of the way.

Poor, unfortunate women have to put up with so much shit just to pop a creature - that will turn into a monster - out of their …ahem.



Why do babies have to be so fucking big?

It seems cruel.
God, you are a bastard!
Why can't babies come in miniature form?
Why can't they come out the size of a fingernail?
Or in a little tiny egg?



What's so special about a live birth?

The baby is still practically useless for the next part of its life.
It can't see, speak, needs to be fed, watered, it can't even shit without assistance cleaning up.

And it cries all the time!!!!

Honestly, you wait 9 months for it to come along and it's still fuck all use!

And poor pregnant women have to put up with sickness and then all that shitty pain trying to squeeze a lard-covered melon out of them!

I can understand, say, wildebeest on the plains of Africa giving birth to their young in the way they do.
The baby wildebeest (what a strange name for a creature) comes out and its ready to go. It can walk and maybe even do a little dance if needs be!
They need to pop their kids that way otherwise they'd be all eaten up and that would really mess up the whole system.


But human beings!
Whats the deal there?

We don't have any major threats from other creatures trying to eat us.
Maybe we fear disease and germs and stuff like that but, as far as predators go, we are the top dog (so to speak).



We can afford to take our time having children.
There's no rush, man.
There's plenty of humans on Earth to vouch for our success rate in that area.

Why not make life a little easier for pregnant women -and less painful and uncomfortable?

Whats with all this pain crap????!!!!!!

Sure, making the baby is fun and very enjoyable process.
But what a kick in the bits it is when it comes to the aftermath!

Would there be so many pregnancies in the World if men had to have babies?

Well, we'll never know until an alien race comes and zaps us with their mirror-ray.
But, I'd hazard a guess that no, there wouldn't be as many people on this fine planet of ours.

Men are sissies.
They can't take pain.

Take me for example.
I fucking hate the stuff!!!



I stubbed my toes the other day I went on and on like I was shot. In Vietnam. By an Army of psycho Viet Cong monsters.

But, women just seem to get over it.
Maybe its the drugs



I think that babies should be born in bits.
I mean, like Lego.

You give birth to a piece at a time: maybe a leg here, or an arm there, then an eye, or a nose and maybe then an ear or two.

Then you assemble it until you have a full working baby.

You could even swap bits you don't like with other pregnant women!!!



I think this is the best solution.

If we all concentrate really hard it might just come true!

Jesus Budda

See?

If you want more of this crap, go to

http://jesusbudda.wordpress.com/

and wallow in the delights of Jesus Budda (me)

Thank you for listening to me go on.

Regards

Skoob

Its all true.


Barry Shitfeaced

Volunteers please for chapter uno, Monks, maybe you should kick it off, look forward to that one!!!!

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Quote: Monkey Woods

Why not make life a little easier for pregnant women -and less painful and uncomfortable?

Whats with all this pain crap????!!!!!!

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It's a deterrent for overpopulation that doesn't seem to be working.

It's also an intelligence deterrent, because our heads won't be able to pass through if they get any bigger... this mechanism seems to be working just fine.

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Quote: The San Francisco Onion

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Quote: Monkey Woods

Why not make life a little easier for pregnant women -and less painful and uncomfortable?

Whats with all this pain crap????!!!!!!

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It's a deterrent for overpopulation that doesn't seem to be working.

It's also an intelligence deterrent, because our heads won't be able to pass through if they get any bigger... this mechanism seems to be working just fine.

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I didn't expect anything else other than a US! scientific explanation of JB crap!

Area 51 please come in!

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Quote: The San Francisco Onion

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Quote: Monkey Woods

Why not make life a little easier for pregnant women -and less painful and uncomfortable?

Whats with all this pain crap????!!!!!!

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It's a deterrent for overpopulation that doesn't seem to be working.

It's also an intelligence deterrent, because our heads won't be able to pass through if they get any bigger... this mechanism seems to be working just fine.

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I gotta disagree with you, SFO, on the deterrent to overpopulation.
Where'd you get that idea from anyways?

If it was a form of deterrent (and a failed one as you admit), then why is the pain of childbirth so easily forgotten once the kid is born, eh?

Eh?

EH??????

Ask any woman and they'll say the same.
Go on. Ask one.
Off you go. Find a woman thats had a baby or six and ask her about the pain.
ASK HER!!!!!!!

I'll be waiting here till you come back.
Lurking.
Leaning on the proverbial lamppost.
Maybe whistling a little tune or two.
Shooting the breeze.
Watching the ladies go by.

Actually, if you wait her by the lamppost with me you'll have a better chance of asking the ladies going by their opinion on this whole matter.

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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I thought you'd buggered off site for good.

Not my material, forget where it came from but I'll give a general overview.

The greatest pain imaginable in natural circumstances is a woman giving birth to a child.

The woman sweats like a pig, grunts, screams and curses using some really creative expletives.

She vows never to go through that shit ever again.

A few months later, she goes exactly through that same shit again.

She didn't learn her lesson.

On the other hand, a bloke who's been booted in the bollocks never goes back for a second helping.

NEVER.

Regards

Skoob.

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Quote: queen mudder

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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I thought you'd buggered off site for good.

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Such a thought!!!!!!

You got a problem with Jesus, eh?!!!!
Wanna take this outside?
I know a lovely place down the road we could find a nice comfortable corner to sit in and share a few drinks, a few laughs and lots of other enjoyable things like that.

Call me. No need for a number. Just call. I'll hear.




Skoob, its all too true.

I know that place. Full of queers and masturbators tossing off their pitbulls.

Skulking in dark corners not really my kinda bag.

Besides I've got the mother-in-law staying and she drinks like a fish.

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Quote: queen mudder

I know that place. Full of queers and masturbators tossing off their pitbulls.

Skulking in dark corners not really my kinda bag.

Besides I've got the mother-in-law staying and she drinks like a fish.

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Thats downstairs!
Upstairs is different. More refined and classy. It has windows.
We could sit by the windows and maybe look out at the street. Think of it. It could be a beautiful moment.

Your mother-in-law drinks like a fish? Fine, bring her along too. She can wait downstairs while we canoodle in our drunken love nest.

XXX

Thats kisses BTW, not some x-rated signal.

She'd probably spike your drink with propofol, JB, and then try to take advantage of your, er, modesty.

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Quote: queen mudder

She'd probably spike your drink with propofol, JB, and then try to take advantage of your, er, modesty.

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Thats ok.
I'd have you to look out for me!

I can't make it today. I'm meeting some random woman off the site at the back of some dive.
And then another one tomorrow in her back garden.

Maybe Sunday?
You cook. I eat. I'll do the washing up. Fair?

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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Quote: queen mudder

She'd probably spike your drink with propofol, JB, and then try to take advantage of your, er, modesty.

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Thats ok.
I'd have you to look out for me!

I can't make it today. I'm meeting some random woman off the site at the back of some dive.
And then another one tomorrow in her back garden.

Maybe Sunday?
You cook. I eat. I'll do the washing up. Fair?

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I wouldn't let my children near Neverland or JB!

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Quote: Monkey Woods

I think that babies should be born in bits.
I mean, like Lego.

You give birth to a piece at a time: maybe a leg here, or an arm there, then an eye, or a nose and maybe then an ear or two.

Then you assemble it until you have a full working baby.

Jesus Budda


Skoob

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It wouldn't be like the IKEA furniture, would it?

You know, where you buy the shitty furniture and you have to assemble it yourself, but there's always a vital part or two missing?

Since God is a cruel bastard (which is something I think we can all agree on) he'd probably leave the arms out of the asembly package. Or make the hand like flippers.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

Since God is a cruel bastard (which is something I think we can all agree on)

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I don't.

I don't recognise the existence of God. Or, at least, the God I think you are talking about.

This is interesting. I'm sure it's been done before, but not with the current personnel:

Is There A God?

I don't think there is. Do I need to say more?

I mean, I don't think there is a man alive who can run the 100 metres sprint in less than 0.000000001 seconds, but I don't have to prove it, do I? Similarly, I don't have to prove that there isn't a God, do I?

Surely, it's up to those who do believe in God, to convince me that God exists.

Is this fair?

I know there are some 'Goddy people' on here; maybe they can have a chat with me about this, and 'straighten me out'.

It's too late for a philosophical conversation like this.

I'm off to bed now.

G'night.

Goodnight.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

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Quote: Monkey Woods

I think that babies should be born in bits.
I mean, like Lego.

You give birth to a piece at a time: maybe a leg here, or an arm there, then an eye, or a nose and maybe then an ear or two.

Then you assemble it until you have a full working baby.

Jesus Budda


Skoob

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It wouldn't be like the IKEA furniture, would it?

You know, where you buy the shitty furniture and you have to assemble it yourself, but there's always a vital part or two missing?

Since God is a cruel bastard (which is something I think we can all agree on) he'd probably leave the arms out of the asembly package. Or make the hand like flippers.

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As an employee of a major interior design firm, I have to say IKEA furniture is actually incredibly reliable.

That being said, the included, usually quite simple, step-by-step instructions have to be followed correctly; otherwise, a supervisor may be required to intervene.

Similarly, since man is a cruel bastard race (which is something I think many of us can agree on), the full potential of "love thy neighbor as thyself" will never be fully lived up to.

This posting is legal tender for all emotional debts, public and private.

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Quote: Monkey Woods

Goodnight.

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(strong)PSSSTTT!!!(/strong)

Are you asleep yet?

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Quote: Monkey Woods


Is There A God?

I don't think there is. Do I need to say more?


I know there are some 'Goddy people' on here; maybe they can have a chat with me about this, and 'straighten me out'.

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You believe in me and thats all that counts, isn't it?

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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Quote: Monkey Woods


Is There A God?

I don't think there is. Do I need to say more?


I know there are some 'Goddy people' on here; maybe they can have a chat with me about this, and 'straighten me out'.

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You believe in me and thats all that counts, isn't it?

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I believe in you.

But I don't believe IN you.

Does that count?

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Quote: Earl Grey

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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Quote: Monkey Woods


Is There A God?

I don't think there is. Do I need to say more?


I know there are some 'Goddy people' on here; maybe they can have a chat with me about this, and 'straighten me out'.

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You believe in me and thats all that counts, isn't it?

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I believe in you.

But I don't believe IN you.

Does that count?

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Hmmmm....if my body was a temple and you were a very, very small man (roughly the size of a Smurf or Tom Thumb) would you believe IN me then, Earl?