Fern Britton - My Fake Diary

Monday, 6 April 2009

Dear Diary,

In years to come, when I'm trapped in my sinking house a la Johnny Depp's mama in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, the gastric band long having succumbed to the sheer force of what I shovel down my gullett on a daily basis, people will ask themselves "where did I put my keys?" and possibly also "did I leave the iron on?".

You see, dear diary, I know that despite the public's alleged affection for me, the minute I'm done at This Morning, I'm done for good. Doesn't matter that I whored myself out to the BBC for Comic Relief and some wretched remake of Telly Addicts, because BBC viewers have memories like goldfish, but the ITV audience are like elephants in that respect.

So, for the next 13 weeks or so, I'm going to be milking that cash cow for all she's worth, then it's au revoir feckers, I'm off to get fat again!!

Week 1

OK! want to pay me a ridiculous sum of money to spill the beans on what they are laughingly referring to as my potential replacements, ie Melanie, Christine, Myleene, Fiona, Kate (I know I know, it's just too ridiculous!)et al, all under the guise of a "new direction for Fern" type piece. Well well suckers, I'll take everything I can get, so if you want the juice then that is what you shall have.

Melanie Sykes - you can take the girl out of Manchester... this isn't Des and Mel you know, we do serious stuff where I have to pretend to be bothered, and I can't see that you'd manage my level of - cough cough - expert sincerity. Plus I hear on the make-up room grapevine that her real name is Melanie Psycho... poor Philly Willy.

Christine Bleakley - looks like a Grand National competitor with those teeth, and honestly dear, doing a half decent job on the dancefloor doesn't qualify you to take over as Queen of Daytime in my book. Did you invent cheese? Did you discover the Beatles? No I think not. Come back to me when you've single-handedly turned round the fortunes of Question Time and then we can talk!

Myleene Klass - I'm sure no-one would believe me when I say this, but I love this girl. I love her because she's talented and beautiful and has very shiny hair, but most of all I love her because she's way too young and will never get the job. Love you Myleene, call me!

Fiona Phillips - if she'd only sort out her dreadful posture and her quite unbelievable lack of intelligenct and coherent thought, then she might be in with a.... No, no, can't do it, laughing too much, having Tena Lady moment!!! All I can say is that the day she allegedly got offered a job with the government, Gordon Brown must have been a) having a seizure, b) doing it as a dare, c) enjoying special private time with dear Fiona consequently leading to blackmail, or d) all of the above.

Kate Garraway - oh Kate. Kate, Kate, Kate. What are we going to do with you sweetheart? First you marry that chubby little tramp, then you insist on getting your baps out every week on People's Quiz, giving poor William G Stewart a stomach upset, then there was the whole Strictly fiasco (surprisingly not followed by your own chat show, shame...) and well, should we even mention the GMTV snubbing episode? You should know Kate that a lady knows when to leave the party, and you've outstayed your welcome by about 10 cups of coffee. Bless your little cottons.

Oh dear diary, we really do live in exciting times, don't we? Until next week my darling...

Lots of love,

Fern