Alan Sugar - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 22 March 2012

8am - The Boardroom: 'ere we go again wiv another series of The Apprentice. Faak me, if I'd 'ave realised that the only way I could cover up my dodgy appointment to the Haas of Lords was to sign up to another ten series of this shit I would have stuck to selling fruit off a cart at Hackney Market. Glad its not my money I'm chucking away. There's no way I would do this if the BBC licence payers didn't cough up the quarter of a Bernie prize money.

The producers 'ave found a right bunch muppets this time. One bird 'as turned up lookin' like she 'ad 'er makeup put on at the B&Q trade counter. The last time I saw that much purple on one person was at the circus. Who does she remind me of? Oh yeah it's that Stacey sort off of The Love Machine.

This morning the team did the traditional yearly sweepstake on which contestant tries to win by offering Nick a blowjob - my money's on Gabrielle… or possibly Stephen. Anyway, we can 'ardly get any time off of Nick these days now that he is away doin' 'is Countdown gig. All the shots of him in the boardroom are actually a robot head in suit that the tech boys at Amstrad knocked up for us.

Right then - first task. As usual the producers 'ave dreamed up something to get them mucky and show how useless they are at basic tasks, followed by running around the smoke trying to flog a load of pony gear. It doesn't really matter who does what, the bitch that works for a bank is getting the chop.