Written by Ricardo Aparicio
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Tuesday, 7 October 2008

KANSAS CITY, MO, USA - Despite a heightened sense of urgency brought about from the failures of the previous year, the 2008 Alyssa Milano Convention ("MilanoCon") failed to resolve any major issues targeted in the official agenda. The resultant stalemate from three days of officer's meetings produced feelings of frustration and ill will among the general membership.

"This is ridiculous," said David Tompkins, 47 year old delegate at large from Wyoming. "I pay membership dues, I run my local chapter with military precision, for the past nine years I've never missed a vote in ANY medium - and these guys can't even find the common language to express just how glorious, how flawless Ms. Milano's body is? Me and the rest of the Caspar boys could have hammered that out in ten minutes."

"It's reached the point where I may not be back in '09," said 53 year old Douglas O'Brien of Delaware. "And I'm one of just eleven members to have attended all twelve MilanoCons. It's disheartening - I haven't Googled Alyssa in almost three days. That never used to happen."

When confronted with criticisms like these, vice-president of finance Mitch Ambrose was sympathetic, though he was quick to point out the obvious complexities inherent in the committee process.

"I know, I know - trust me, I remember 1999 all too well," said the 51 year old shoe salesman. "I guess '99 was even worse than this, in some ways. But we had such an easy time of things during the height of the Charmed era that we forgot, for a while, how tough this can be.

"But understand - among the officers, you've got twelve of the most committed, most knowledgeable, most dedicated Alyssa fans in the world. And they all have they're own, let's say, entrenched opinions about her. Compromise isn't easy to reach - it may mean letting go of ideas you yourself are very close to."

Perhaps no item on the agenda sparked more controversy - and best represented the convention in microcosm - than the question of just when Alyssa Milano became sexually desirable.

"To resolve that question was not only important for ourselves, but to show the general public that we're not a bunch of pervy lowlifes," said Oscar Wilpon, 44 year old ice cream delivery driver and MilanoCon vice chairman. "But when the minutes (of the officer's meetings) come out, we're going to look bad. Decisive action was necessary to prevent that."

"Better that we delay that question for another year than to get it wrong," said Mickey Malvoe, general secretary and at 74, the oldest officer. "To me, she always had it. Always. I'm not budging on that. Why do we even get a vote if we're supposed to back down?"

"I've known (sergeant-at-arms) Phil (Masters) a long time. We're very good friends," said junior officer Lewis Marx. "When he said, 'Season two of (Who's The) Boss?', I know he didn't literally mean 'When Alyssa was fourteen'. He just got his seasons mixed up. I'm sure he meant season four."

Other controversial items the executive committee failed to resolve were: "Which actress is best suited to perform a lesbian scene with Alyssa?", "What would we do alone with Alyssa for one night?" And "Holy fucking shit, how hot is Alyssa Milano?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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