The Streets of Bordello Falls Chapter 12

Buck tipped One-eyed Jack an extra quarter for brushing down Pete and Re-Pete and for the repair of a loose horseshoe.

"Where you hombres headed? Jack's one eye was bloodshot and teary from too many what-evers down at the Oasis. He bit on the quarter out of habit checking it for any silver, then pocketed it. "I threw some extra canteens on Pete figuring you guys might be headed to the badlands. Never can have enough water ya know! Also put a couple of sandwiches from Chow Lings in a sack too" A pesky fly buzzed around the empty socket of his left eye.

"We's be heading out to Hal E. Peno's place I reckon. How far down Skunk Shit Pass did you say it was?"

"Never said, but you take Skunk Shit for about ten miles, look for Deadman's Tree and scoot a sharp left down to the dry basin. His shack is by some Cottonwoods about another 4-5 miles or so. You'll see the corral first. Not very big, Peno's only got a few head left."

It felt good to be back in their duds again. Diablo still complained of 'ass itch' from wearing the woman's bustle too tight, and Buck had pronounced round red-rings where the coffee cups etched a mark against his chest.

Pete and Re-Pete were frisky after spending time withy fresh hay and good water. They too sensed adventure as they headed south toward the pass. Buck and Diablo checked their guns and pushed the Stetson hats a bit tighter to their heads.

Skunk Shit Pass lived up to its name. Tall, towering walls rose skyward to the right and the rocky trail was littered with shit. Twice the boys avoided a skunk that almost seemed to jump from the rocks, tail raised and a fearful set of eyes that wanted revenge for the trespass. The second one met with a .44 slug between the eyes as his stink stream sprayed onto a nearby bush, nearly missing Pete.

"Lil' fucker! That'll teach 'em good!" Diablo smiled at his newfound marksmanship and glanced over to see a surprised Buck.

"Good shot little brother!"

An hour later they found themselves at Deadman's Tree. A befitting name since the man hanging from it was merely a dessicated bag of bone and sinew. The sign 'Cattle Thief' swung slowly in the breeze from the corpse's neck. Buck noticed the man's boots and hat were missing.

"Shit! Hung the fucker without his boots and stole his fuckin' hat! Well, guess he wanted to die with his boots on, but they musta decided if the shoe fits….." Buck cracked a wicked grin at the pun he just made, but Diablo missed it.

The Hal E. Peno Ranch

From 3 miles out they could see the ranch by the Cottonwoods. A small creek meandered around large red rocks and scrub brush almost encircled the ranch house. It was a humble adobe affair with a sod roof and thick mud walls that dried a pale yellow. Ancient lodge poles poked out beneath the thick sod covering. An outhouse was a short walk from the rear porch and it was painted a brilliant red. He could seethe half-moon on the door. A curl of breakfast smoke was rising from the adobe's chimney foretelling an inhabitant getting ready to eat. Buck wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but he swore he could smell sausage and eggs. In the rickety corral were four head of cattle. Diablo raised his telescope and looked over toward the herd.

"Holy Fuck! Hes got names painted on their sides! I read Donna, Blitzen, Rudolph, and Mildred!"

"Gimme that thing!" Buck raised it to his eye and spotted the cattle. The neatly painted names were in whitewash and were painted on both sides of the animal. "Fuckers a weird-o I bet, 'specially living way the fuck out here by his self."

Strange Visitors

Buck and Diablo reined their horse and pointed them toward a grassy spot where they could sit and watch the ranch house for a few more minutes before riding in. As usual, it was the horses that spotted it first. Ahead of them, about 50 yards, the air seemed to shimmer in a silvery beam. Beneath the beam, on the ground, two black disks appeared and channeled the beams downward.
Suddenly, the beams disappeared and two human like forms rose from the disks. Buck and Diablo were speechless. The horses momentarily raised their front hooves in fear and pulled at the reins.

"What da fuck?" Buck instinctively drew his .44 and watched in total amazement. Diablo pissed his pants, causing Re-Pete to fart in disgust.

"Who da fuck are these two weirdo-s?"

The two men straightened themselves upright. Both were dressed in the same sleek, tight-fitting uniform, looking somewhat similar, except for the taller man on the left...He had pointed ears and curious slanted eyebrows.

"Geez Buck, we's got us two devil-dudes. Should we shoot?" Buck could hear the hammer on Diablo's revolver clicking the cylinder around.

"Not, don't plug 'em…yet. We's gotta see what these two fuckers want and who the hell they are first. Then we's plug 'em."

The taller man spotted them and raised his hand displaying a curious signal by spreading his fingers into a 'V'. The shorter man seemed to be speaking into his hand.

'OK you two, no fucking around and reach for some air!" Buck leveled his .44 Colt at the pair. The sun's glint off the dull barrel showed the strangers they meant business.

Pete farted with a loud Blaaaaaaaaaaat, showing his oat fueled enthusiasm and excitement as well.

"Good day gentlemen. We mean you no harm. Just the wrong coordinates from Scottie, in a few moments we'll be on our way." The shorter one was smiling and held his hands up high. The taller one merely looked puzzled and aloof.

"Coordinates? Scottie? What da fuck you'se two talking about?" Diablo's finger tightened on the trigger.

"Oh, Kirk here, and this is Mr. Spock my Second in Command. You know, Spaceship Enterprise from Starfleet? Outter space? Go where no man has gone before?"

"Buck, careful now. These two be disco faggots if I ever saw one!"

Buck's eyes glinted half-closed as he surveyed the pair. Space? Starship? Starfleet? Then he remembered a place he once saw in way up in Seattle. A coffee shop called Star-something, yeah that's it! These two be those coffee faggots from Seattle alright, he thought as the heavy gun in his hand felt slippery from perspiration.

"What's that there thing-a-ma-bob in yer hand yer holding? Easy now, no tricks!"

The man called Kirk smiled and answered back, "It's called a Phaser. Here, I'll show you!" Without waiting for an answer, Kirk pointed the device at a rock and pressed the button. A brief pulsating light illuminated the rock turning it cherry red. In a spilt-second it dissolved into dust before a stunned Buck and Diablo.

"Holy shit!" You see that Buck?

"Well, 'tarnation and brimstone! They's musta got some new shit since the last time I was in Seattle!" Buck wiped the spittle from his lips with the back of his hand.

The man called Spock spoke into his hand and turned to Kirk, "Captain, the Bridge says they've lost transporter power and it will be several hours before Scottie can change the 'D' cells and get us to the right coordinates."

"Captain? You'se be a Captain? I'm reckoning you'se just might be the law lookin' fer that re-ward!" Buck clicked back the hammer on his revolver.

"No, I assure you we aren't the police. Now, we're going to be here awhile so we might as well become friends and not hurt one another." Spock's eyes locked onto Bucks and gave him a temporary 'mind-melt'...In a few moments he did the same to Diablo. Both men, eyes spinning crazily, immediately calmed down.

"Captain, they're carrying curious 19th century firearms that are capable of doing us damage, so I've temporarily subdued them."

Buck spoke first. He felt a little dizzy, somewhat like after a long night at the Oasis, but was more calm and collected, "OK yer right about hurting anyone. 'Sides, yer not looking like any law I ever seen anyway. Diablo put away yer shooting iron."

Diablo slid his weapon back into holster and Buck did the same. He them remembered the ranch house, Hal E.Peno, and the help he promised that cheese-dick Sal. The sun was getting a little high and decided that they might as well head over to the ranch house and talk with Peno.

"Lookie here, we's got business over at that there ranch and we reckon you'se best come with us 'til we's figure all this shit out anyway."

Both Spock and Kirk smiled their approval and placed their phaser/communicators back onto their belt. Upon Buck's beckoning, they both took a place behind on the Pissgum's horses and started down to the ranch house.


Hal E. Peno

Peno slid a generous portion of rattlesnake meat and eggs onto his plate. The taste was changed into a wonderful amalgamation of bacon grease, chilies, Tabasco, and cactus hearts that was his staple in life. The first forkful caused him to belch and fart at the same time. A smile crossed his lips as he devoured the plate in under a minute. The last mouthful swallowed, he turned his attention to the sound of hoof beats coming down the gravel roadway. Vistors?

Sliding the empty, greased filled plate away, Peno reached for his shotgun, knowing full well visitors way out here in these parts usually meant trouble, bill collectors, or Mormon missionaries waving bibles.
As he peered out from behind tattered and dirty window curtains, he let out another fart due to total surprise...'What da fuck is dis shit?"

After a few pleasantries, a brief introduction, and a quick 'mind-melt' by Spock, A spinning-eyed Peno invited the quartet into his house and offered them a seat and some cheap Mexican whiskey called 'Pedro's Outhouse'.

"So, why the visit from you boys, Buck" He cautiously glanced over at the pointy-eared Spock and wondered to himself how he got them. Then he remembered some of the women he bedded in the past and shuddered, thinking of some of the offspring he might have fathered in the past while in a drunken moment of lust.

"We need yer help, and along with that, we can make you rich enough to either you gives up this here cow shit business, or to buy a bigger spread...How's that?" Buck always liked the direct, no-shit approach to business. The .32 derringer under the table pointed at Hal E, Peno's pelvis also helped in negotiations.

"All you'se got to do is saddle up and come back into Bordello Falls with us. Simple as that. A dude named Sal will explain everything."

"Well, not much going on here! Lost two head last week to rustlers anyway! The wife left with a renegade called Shack-nasty a few months back, and my wallet's getting pretty slim, if you know what I mean."

Diablo burped as he remembered the tasty porterhouse cooked over mesquite. He covered the sound with a stupid smile.

'Well, we needs us a couple extra horses fer these two coffee fellers here and we can be on our way. Be nice to git back to town and have happy hour at the Oasis anyway!"

"Hmmm All's I got is one nag left, but I reckon I can hook these fella up with a ride."

Buck shook Peno's large, beefy hand and slapped him on the back, "We's got us a gang now!" He glanced over at the man called Spock and saw boredom and disinterest in his face. He whispered 'faggot coffee grinders' to himself as he rose from the table.

Soon, all were saddled up. Pete and Re-Pete had some hay and water, Peno's horse's name Gertrude was easy to spot since the name was stenciled on her sides. The two strangers were riding two of the cows, Donna and Blitzen.
Feeling sorry for their 'dude-look,'Peno gave them each a old neckerchief,a poncho, a canteen, and an old cowboy hat. One of which had a compelling bullet hole in it, the other showed a severe rope burn on one side.

The five-some headed out toward Skunk Shit pass hoping to make happy hour at the Oasis. Both Kirk and Spock glanced at each other and looked at their watches.
Buck on the otherhand, kept an eye on the three others. Afterall, money was a stake and that phaser thing bugged him.

TO BE CONTINUED……………..