Satan Lashes Out at SUN for Criticism of Mandelson

According to the BBC, "Lord Mandelson has accused the Sun newspaper of portraying Gordon Brown's government as the "enemy" of UK troops in Afghanistan rather than the Taliban.
The Tory-supporting paper's criticism of the PM over an alleged spelling mistake in a note to a bereaved mother was "crude politicking", he said. "

Now the hacks here at the spoof don't read the Sun, except for its sports pages of course, nor are we particularly partial to newspapers that suddenly change their political allegiances midstream for whatever reasons. We prefer to stand outside politics and crack the whip fairly on humbug of any colour. We here are committed to impartiality, which is just a posh way of saying "sod the lot of them" and beware the Spoofers' mighty pen.

However, many of us have sons and daughters and for any parent to see their offspring villified, as Mandelson has been, on a regular basis is very painful and so we can only feel for Mandelson's parents. Our reporter has in the past made contacts that allow exclusive access to Satan (or 'Nick' as he likes us to call him) and during our previous discussions we were informed that Mandelson was indeed Nick's "only beloved son". So after a phone call to The Pentagram Occult Book Emporium in Oxford we were able to arrange yet another exclusive interview, through the kind auspices of Mr. Arthur Flange, the proprietor.

"Come in gentlemen! Do sit down. I see you are getting the hang of things, like that chap on the Tarot cards.Just my little joke he he! What can I help you with today? You do look a little concerned and confused. But that's good! Encouraging! It shows I am making some headway even with you clear thinkers at the Spoof."

Er.. Nick, there has been a lot of criticism of Peter Mandelson, he is often called "The Prince of Darkness" and Mrs. Spermworthy of the "Oven Coven" has already described him as your "only beloved son" (see it here). So firstly is he your son?

"Well yes and no. According to the official version he is the grandson of Herbert Morrison the wartime Home Secretary and deputy leader of the Labour Party. Morrison's only child, Mary, married Tony Mandelson, advertising director of The Jewish Chronicle, a sociable man, known in left-wing circles around Hampstead by the nickname Mandy."

And the unofficial version?

"You may read that Herbert lost the sight of one eye? That should give you a clue. Who else lost the sight of one eye? Oswald Moseley, Jean-Marie Le Pen in France, Gordon Brown? They thought that they could get one over on me, all of them. So I left my mark, just to show them who was boss. I couldn't just let them get away with things.

With Le Pen he wanted to go back on his deal for power and not let me have his daughter Marine to seal the fate of France. As it happened, she turned out to be an ugly old trout and quite turned me off; even I have my standards.

"Brown thought he would get away with it when his honest presbyterian nature almost got the better of him and he tried to persuade me he didn't want any help with his "highers" the Scottish A-levels. But I had other plans for him.

Moseley, well, he started to get cold feet and was thinking of telling Hitler where to go.

Morrison too tried to get out of selling me his daughter Mary for the sake of political ambitions. How else did he think that a mere copper's kid would get to be Home Secretary? There you have it, they all have my mark and I would never lie to you."

How then are you the sire of Mandelson?

"Mrs. Spermworthy may have told you about the goings-on on Hampstead Heath. Well, she got Mary M to join her little 'nature-worship 'group after my intervention in 1948. It all worked out beautifully, Herbert encouraged her to join in and of course Golder's Green is so handy for Hampstead Heath."

What is your relationship with Peter like?

"Well, you do know that he is not my only son? He is my current favorite, but there are others that I am obliged not to ignore. There's Donald Rumsfelt and Dick Cheney of course and there was Adolf Hitler.

Dick's gone down the pan a bit, but Don, he did a sterling job in the Gulf and now I've got him selling iffy sweetners to the Food Industry. He'll go farther, providing that pest the Grim Reaper doesn't get hold of him first.

Adolf I am afraid got too big for his boots. A bit like Tony Blair, but unlike Tony who just entered into an agreement with, me he didn't have any other offspring which is a shame. I could have been such an influence on them. However, I have big plans for Leo after last Halloween.

Peter and I get on just fine. I've set him up well, even provided him with a free snake-hipped Brazilian rent boy to keep him amused. I told him, 'there you go he's all for you, screw yourself silly, share him with your friends if you like'. Shame about the prostate though, but that's God's paradox again, 'the best laid plans' and all that. Did you see how he walked funny after he came out of Hospital? I was really worried about his credibility, but it all blew over in the end.

He has done a fine job, a chip off the old block in fact! When Brown was getting jittery I had to do something so I brought him back from Brussels. What does any Company do when things are going awry? They bring in the consultants, the trouble-shooters."

What exactly is his relationship with the Russians, Deripaska and all that?

Don't you know your history? My my what an ignorant little journalist you are! The familiy have been in touch with the Ruskies for years. The Zinoviev letter? Look it up. No smoke without fire you know, lost Morrison an election even though he tried his best for me.

I learned my lesson with that one though. Direct communication with the Ruskies was out, it had to be done more subtly. Imagine during the height of the Cold War. British shadow chancellor visits member of the Soviet Politburo privately, during which they had discussed - even in the most circumspect of terms - the possibility of the Kremlin donating money into his party's coffers. It would have been Treason! It probably still is. Care is the byword.

These days nobody thinks twice about it, They're either too worried about their political positions if in opposition or wondering how they're going to pay the mortgage or whether their jobs are safe.

Thanks to a bit of foresight on my part with Mrs. Thatcher (oh yes she was in my pocket too). Don't underestimate what a mother will do for her son. All I had to do was assure her that her feckless hooray Henry twit of a son of hers had some dough and a nice house and she set about making the people of your green and pleasant land into a nation of aspirant money-grabbing house-owners enslaved by the promise of more of the same but better year on year.

The rest, well they are zonked in front of their TV's with their alcopops watching two other great ideas of mine, reality shows and daytime TV. If I hadn't thought about that they would have all been out in the streets rioting and shouting revolution.

So when contact is required to boost labour funds it has to be done carefully but it is done more easily because of the mental and moral decay that I so carefully planned just by providing people with tempting choices. I couldn't have him meeting Putin directly. Anyway I don't trust Vladimir, he's just like Adolf. So Deripaska was the obvious choice he's the real power in Russia but he too will have to watch his step. Of course nobody can prove any money changed hands or any favours were promised.

The fact that neither the shadow chancellor George Osborne nor the Tory fund-raiser Andrew Feldman saw anything wrong in this meeting is just a testimony to my abilities and my ability to judge the moral and venial character of all politicians today. They see nothing wrong because they would do just the same."

And Peter's attitude to our soldiers?

Well, I dare say he quite fancies men in uniform but that is just being flippant on my part, but not wholly unfair, because it might be the death of him yet, you can never tell with God's paradox.

Look, how am I going to deliver your country into the hands of evil otherwise? I can't have them withdrawing from Afghanistan; that would defeat the object. We can't have them surrendering outright. That really would cause public outrage. So a few unsigned chitties on the basis of lack of funds, budgetary restraints; you know, leading to lack of essential equipment, a few helicopters, armoured personnel carriers, body armour; its more understandable, everyone manages a budget.

Then Peter comes along, gets Deripaska's (read Putin's) wad out of his pocket and becomes saviour overnight. In hock with the Ruskies up to his neck. That's not a problem because they are all Ruskies at heart, have been ever since university days, Brown, Straw, Blair, that Jock who fucked up the Home Office, all of them. All waiting for the day when the great Socialist ideal will be achieved.

The Public, having been worn down for years will happily yield completely and complacently, as they have done with the surveillance state. They will peacefully submerge themselves as participanting drones in the Great Hive, grateful for eternity that they no longer have to think; taking comfort in the fact that everyone feels as much and just the same pain. Everyone will have jobs, even if it means they either work for the State spying on each other or as one of a hundred attendants guarding one hat in a cloakroom. Except the leaders of course."

What if they lose the election?

"Always a possibility, but don't you think I have influence in other parties? Anyway look at the number of unelected people there are in powerful positions. People cross the floor you know, it isn't unknown. Who knows? Peter might suddenly find a reason to lose confidence in Labour and declare allegiance to the Tories. I'm working on Cameron. The Grim Reaper doesn't know it but he did me a favour with Cameron's son. I won't even need to offer him a miracle cure or anything difficult like that to get him on side. Anyway it all cuts the same way, the result will be the same in time."

Are you always so sure of everything?

"Well there is one fly in the ointment. That's you at the spoof. I was alright until you came along. Had a list of everyone's whereabouts, family and friends, problems, worried, likes, dislikes and dreams. I assured that the disclaimer was perfect in its sieve-like qualities so any lawyer could find the holes and take you out should the need arise."

Sorry? Don't quite get your drift.

"Well you and your bloody perfect disclaimer (qv). Made sure nobody would believe anything you wrote. You don't fool me you little maggot! I told you about clear thinkers before. Talk about the Devil's bane! Are you sure there is nothing I can tempt you with? Everlasting life perhaps?"

God forbid!

We made our excuses and left