J. Alfred Frimley 6. Gonzopoorn is upset

I got an invitation today. I never get anything like that at all usually, but old Mr. Leer from the builders' merchants where I used to work is getting a coach party together to go to "Buildo-2009" the big exhibition they have every year for builders'merchants up in West Bromwich. They show all the new tools and stuff, plumbing supplies and glues and all that.

Now Mr. Leer has branched out into fitted kitchens and bathroom furniture he thinks he ought to be mixing with the big players in the business to put Leer's of Jewson Street Tately firmly on the map. He's organised a coach for Saturday week and a fish and chip supper, and let me know in advance, to give me time to get somebody to sit with mum and aunty Vi.

I saw about Buildo once in one of the trade magazines they had in the loo next to the main office. I had to wonder though why they were advertising water tanks with girls in those bikini things; they're not actually as big as swimming pools. Someone could do them under the Trades Descriptions Act.

It was just like the daily papers, all big headlines like "Screw those nuts off! Sexy Samantha say's Spanno spanners are sooper dooper - Spanno the REAL man's spanner!" That they may be but she didn't have any hard-hat, gloves or foot protection so I expect Health and Safety will have something to say about that. It doesn't set a good example, especially to the younger ones.

It was two minutes past eleven; I was just putting the card behind the clock on the mantelpiece. That's the clock Dad was presented with when he left the Railways, that's how I knew, it hasn't lost or gained a minute since it was first wound up. There came such a knocking at the front door, sudden like, it gave me a fair old turn, I'll tell you, I knocked the plaster dog 'fido' that I won on the shooting range at the fair in 1947 clean off the shelf. I hadn't had a turn like that since I found one of dad's, string vests behind the sideboard, but that's another story. Lucky fido landed on the carpet, I gave it to mum as a present and she has treasured it ever since. I remember her saying at the time, "look well on it Alf Frimley, it's probably the last thing you'll win as long as you've got a hole in your arse!" She had a colourful turn of phrase did mum and she was right, at least so far.

It was Gonzopoorn at the door, she was in a state. I've never been much good with women, and when they're in a state I'm even worse. I managed to calm her down though and sat her at the table and made a pot of tea. Whatever is the matter dear I asked her.

"Oooh missa Flimley, Gonzopoorn sooo sad! I come from Missa Chigrey he not going to want Gonzopoorn no more."

I asked what on earth made her think that.

"He no want Gonzopoorn no more, he got katarog"

Well, I said, there are catalogues all over this house, rubber goods, incontinence aids, seeds, garden spades and those others that come without even asking, for trousers for men with big bellies. I'll stick them in the cupboard if they upset you.

"No, missa Chigrey have katarog, he buy woman"

I must say I didn't know that you could do that, never even crossed my mind. Wayne though, now I think about it, did mention something about it during his advice for Silver Surfers.

"Want buy woman from Wussia he no want Gonzopoorn no more, coz he have Wussian woman to see to his stiffy. He want Wussian woman, he no likee Gonzopoorn no more he want all gold teef and hairy regs."

I gave her my hankie, it was quite clean. Well, I said, you can get lots more patients, I've already mentioned your name down at the post office and you can always put a card up at Tesco, some masseurs even put ads in telephone booths, although they won't find many around here that people dare go in for fear of catching something.

"Ooooh missa Flimley, you good man, you kind man, you have arrotment, you have mum, aunty Vi and Credwyn cat, all people you love alound you, you good with vegetables. Gonzopoorn have no one, all people she love all things she know in Thailand. I send money evely week, my famry depend on me, Gonzopoorn onry good for housework and massage."

I tried to get her talking about something else so I asked her about her family over there.

"I got my mother, Milfipooooooorn she come from large famry, may blothers, sisters. Then my older blother Trahneepooorn, he ladyboy at crub in Bangkok, an then there's my little sister Teeniporn. Trahneepooorn, he older, he got more o's."

I was puzzled so I asked her to explain.

"See missa Flimley, in Thailand number of o's more when you oldest. Mama have three children, he got three o's. He start with one when born get more when other kids come, that how we know he oldest. He reach big three o."

Mmm. I was a bit confused, how did they know how many kids they were going to have. I was going to say something when she burst into tears again

"Oooo missa Flimley, Gonzopoorn depend on missa Chigrey money for Trahneepooorn operlation."

Trahneepooorn, works as a drag artist at some night club apparently. I suppose that's alright, after all we have Danny Larue and I did once see one down at the Nag's Head one night, but he wasn't very convincing with all that hair sticking up out of his cleavage. Trahneepooorn, poor lad, has had some sort of growths down below since he was born. Not malignant or anything, but he's been saving up to have them removed, apparently it will help him get a better paid job if he does.

They specialise in that sort of operation out there she says and people from all over the world go there for it because the doctors are so skilled.

Well, I said to Gonzopoorn not to worry, and that I was sure that nothing would come of it. Mr. Chigley is a sensible man and in good nick for his age he'll see sense in the end. I went to the biscuit tin on the shelf. The gas bill had been less than I expected for the quarter so I took out a ten pound note and told her to take it. If she hurried she could get to the post office before the last post and send it straight off. I can't bear to think of anybody suffering.

She jumped up and gave me a big hug.

"Ooo missa Flimley, you good man, you kind man, you good with vegetables, you sure you no want Gonzopoorn show you how she good too with cucumber, how she good with stiffy?"
And she planted a big kiss on my cheek and ran off to the post office

Bye for now, I'd better just check that plaster dog for cracks.

Alfred