J. Alfred Frimley 1- Have Discovered The Internet

Thank goodness I have found this site, I thought I might go mad. But at last, some kindred spirits.

I am 73 years old born on Armistice day 1926. It's been difficult since my father died last year, Oh he had a good innings he was 99. The trouble is, I don't have many people to talk to these days now he's gone.

Along with his collection of garden spades, and hereditary title to the allotment garden by the railway, dad left me with a few bob, so I bought a laptop computer. I took it along to the community centre, to the "Silver Surfers' Club" because Wayne from the "Tateley Cyberama" down at the local shops runs a course on Thurday afternoons to get us oldies in touch with the "marvels of the cybersphere". I nearly didn't bother, only Mrs. Patel next door said she would sit for mum and auntie Vi so I didn't have to worry.

I got on line eventually, as you can see. It was all so confusing at first, and how the English language is suffering! I met a kindred spirit, Wilf Turnbull, he has his own website and I see it is advertised here. He is really worried about the grammatical quality of the lyrics that young people today listen to in their popular music. He is plagued too by the youngsters who insist on being rude and disrespectful to him in the street in that strange Jamaican patois they insist on using.

I was able to point him to a website that explained it all, and, if I do say so myself, I have become quite proficient through such online distance-learning. I told him to tell them,

"Hey mons, yuh too renk, a nuh is yessidey I is borned, gwaan go home for I kik yuh de ass!"

The translation is loose but it means roughly:

"You are really rude boys, don't think I was born yesterday, go home before I really get angry."

For me at least, this generally sends the little rascals scampering home.The local lads in my street were really surprised and gave me no further bother. In fact I think I must have impressed them because one of them offered me some sort of home-made cigarette, but I've never smoked myself.

It was through my assiduity at this distance-learning that I eventually discovered that they were saying that I smelt of urine and stale cake. That did not surprise me, because since father died at the ripe old age of 99 last year I have had the charge of my aged mother Edith (96) and her sister Vi (94) who between them and their surgical appliances take up two and a half downstairs rooms. I do my best, but I am 73 years old, and sometimes a little forgetful and if I do not change the bags and tubes regularly or forget to empty them, the house becomes like the source of the Yangste River.

On Fridays is the only respite I get when Gonzopoorn the Thai home help (at least I think that is her name) comes to organise the house and I can nip down to the British Legion for game of chess or cribbage.

She also does physiotherapy and gives massage twice a week to Mr.Chigley, two doors up. It must be doing him some good, because he comes out of the house with a new spring in his step when he sees her off, and he's no spring chicken.

She did offer me a massage once for a small extra charge. I suppose it must be worth some people's while to jump an NHS queue. I must admit, I do get a bad back, having to do all that lifting on to and off bedpans at all hours. However, I had to decline her kind offer. It's not that I didn't have the money, Lord knows, I go out infrequently enough, and Mother and aunt Vi don't cost much in food because that comes free in bags from the Chemist's in Needley Street or maybe sometimes I can get a slice of Battenberg down them on a lucid day. The only expense I have apart from gas and electric is catfood for Cledwyn our ginger tom. Call me old-fashioned if you will, I would get rather embarrassed. Gonzopoorn is only thirty years old, and my mother is the only one ever to have seen me in my string vest and long-johns.

Anyway, I have gone on too long and I can tell by the smell that "my ladies" need attention. So I'll do part two later.

Goodbye for now
Alfred

Second instalment now online