Harold is Missing from the Slightly Spooky Woods

-=A Different Dimension, Devoted to Dross=-

Welcome to Warpios Wierd World online Warped Web Wonderfullness. We have finally embraced the Technoligacol Age, as well as the World of Mumbo Jumbo. You will have paid your subscription to get to read this, unless you are a Hacker. Then you won't have payed any Ackers*. Good luck to you when the Dwarves find out. I hope you have bought a spare head.

Previously this year we published January's Joke of the Month, which was very unsuccessful indeed. We sold 41 copies of that. Hardly worth the Ink I know. We at Warpios Wierd World aren't bothered. We would rather that one person clicked on our weird farcicles that wanted to, than 2,500 that didn't. The Editor: Dr.Lancealot Warpio

*Ackers: Noun. Money, Cash, Coin, Spondooley. From the Egyption akka.

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-=Warpios Wierd World Magazine=-

-=Ministry of Magic Magic Jokes=-

Bartholomew Twartsenfadge was no ordinary old man. He was other things as well. Two of these things were; that he was a f*cking fictional character and, that he could see into another dimension, that others found very strange and very warped. They stayed away from this dimension and stopped in their own shitty little reality. This was best for everyone, everyone is happy, even the unhappy.

Bart had watched the weather forecast and saw that a new wave of white, shite, wintry weather was about to suspiciously shroud the United Kingdom in the continuing countdown towards armaggedon and apocalypse in 2012. He must go back to the Slightly Spooky Woods before the worsening weather hit. He had to give monthly Tribute to the Dwarves or they would come in the night and cut off his extremities. They'd told him this years ago, when he'd banged his head in the woodshed. Once a month, he had to venture into the wizardy weird woods whether he wanted to or not.

If he could have got away with it he wouldn't have bothered going anymore, after his last visit to the woods had left him with a very nasty taste in his mouth. He also couldn't sit down without the aid of a rubber-ring-thing. Still, he was a lot less curious these days, so some good had come of last months events. He shuddered has he remembered again the big pink curtains being pulled back, and the ghastly things inside the pretty, pink cavern that were revealed.

He was just thankful that when he had regained consciousness he was tucked up in bed at home, with four devoted nubile nurses attending his every need and whim. A beautiful blonde, a beautiful black girl, a beautiful brunette and a redhead. It was almost worth enduring what had happened... Who was he kidding?... only himself. No... it wasn't worth it at all. He may even rightfully write a massive dismissive missive to the Minister of Tragic Magic.

Bart the Twart packed up his Dwarf Tribute and trusty ice pick, incase of bumping into Trotsky's Ghost, and limped gingerly down the path towards the Slightly Spooky Woods, pausing every once in a while to get rid of the slightly salty spittle that still plagued him. He hadn't been able to eat cucumber sandwiches for a month, as the ensuing burps they caused knocked him sick. Eventually he got to the clearing with the fallen tree were he usually had his pick nicked by a ruthless band of thieving Dwarves.

He had to leave the Tribute in the hollowed out tree, leave a red chequered neckerchief on the tree to show it was there and then bugger off pronto, cos the Dwarves were impatient little bastards at the best of times. Finding it a bit of a struggle bending over, Bart the Clart fell to his knees and crawled inside the Holey Tree. It was quite comfortable inside, lined with fresh moss... Something slept here at nights ...He was glad he would soon be offski.

Then he heard a noise, Shit! Two dwarves were making there way towards the tree... "Oh look! that senile old sod has been here again for a picnic and left his Ice Pick behind." said one Dwarf... "Great, you have it, you saw it first. He hasn't left Tribute yet I see. Never mind, After what I heard happened to the nosey old c*nt last month I'm sure we can give him a few days leeway on this one if need be."... "Oh yes, nasty business that. Hey Ho, that reminds me did you hear about Harold HardRADA?"... "No my good friend, I did not. Pray tell me a tale full of merriment and woe..."

"Well my bearded buddy... Harold woke up the other morning, yawned and scratched his flee ridden knack sack. He jumped up with a little yelp. His cock was missing!... Harry then hunted around his bedding, but there was no sign of the little ligament. He then set off through the Slightly Spooky Woods, looking for evidence of his missing hedgehoghood."

"Firstly he bumped into Eustace Eunice the Uniquehorn. 'Hi Eustace, still hanging in the same unparalleled way I see. Anyway, me knob's gone walkies, you haven't perchance seen it have you?'... 'No Harry, I haven't. What does it look like?'... 'Well it's small and it's round and it has got four spikes on it'... 'Nope, sorry, I haven't seen it'... 'Oh, OK fair enough. See you later Eustace."

"Next he bumped into Nasty Nic' the Gryphon. 'Hi Nic', me knob's gone walkies, you haven't perchance seen it have you?'...'F*ck off we don't want your sort round here... Oh sorry Harry it's you, I really need to go to the opticians, I thought you were 'One Of Them!' What does your knob look like?'... 'Well it's small and it's round and it has got four spikes on it'... 'Nope, sorry, I haven't seen it'... 'Oh, OK fair enough. See you later Nic'."

"Next he bumped into Cheri the Cheetah. 'Hi Mons Veneris Cheri, me knob's gone walkies, you haven't perchance seen it have you?'...' Mon Dieu Harree, I remember it well. Such a cute little thing. Horny as hell as I recall. It had four spikes on it. Did wonders for my G-Spot. Nope, sorry, I haven't seen it'... 'Oh, OK fair enough. See you later Cheri, if I find the little f*cker."

"Then he bumped into Jericho the Jaguar. 'Hi Jerkoff Jerry, me knob's gone walkies, it's small and it's round and it has got four spikes on it. You haven't perchance seen it have you?'...Jerry looked at him for a few seconds, blushed, then said, 'I'm so terribly sorry Harry old chap, yes I have seen it'... 'Great, where is it?!?"'... 'Well... err... to be honest... I've actually eaten it!'.... 'What the f*ck do you mean you've eaten it?'... I'm really sorry Harry but I thought you knew I'm a Four Point Tool Eater Jaguar. ...........What a terrible, terrible misfortune to befall Harold. Nobody has seen him... I mean it, since."



"How the f*ck do you know all this is true?" said the listening Dwarf... "Ahh yes, one of the fairies was following him because he likes pricks. He saw it all from first to last. Come on, break's over, lets go and dig some more gold, diamonds, and truffles up."

The two Dwarves left the clearing. Bartholomew climbed out from his comfy listening post, put a red chequered neckerchief on the tree, and slowly limped back home for a nice cup of tea and piece of home made shortcake, left over from the carefully prepared Tribute. He sat in his parlour thinking about poor Harold. Those Woods were both terrible and strangely fascinating at the same time. He couldn't wait to go down again in a months time and see what new adventures were waiting for him.

-oo0oo-

Footnote: These Warpios Wierd World Parodies are my tribute to that charming little pixie-gnome Ronnie Corbett, who wouldn't actually do 'Rudies'... Oh, Ok then he would. But he doesn't use the 'F' word or 'C' word. I of course do, but try and keep it to a mimimum in these particular Spoofs.