Fruity Phone Companies Render My Phone 'F*cked'

If you live on this planet you will probably be aware of BlackBerry, the awesome Mobile Device Manufacturing Company. If you live in the UK you will also be aware of Orange........ The trendy Mobile Phone Service Provider.

Oh yes! I can now use 'The ride of the Valkeries' in this True Spoof about me Napalming both Companies. Which is nice...

If you have both together, you have a couple of right Fruits. This is especially true in the case of BBerry, who are actually called Research In Motion (RIM), which made me laugh my childish arse off when I found out, coz I found it very fookin funny. BBerry were also at first going to, funnily enough, be called... StrawBerry ...which would have been a very bad move, as only Wooly Woofters and Teenage Girls would have bought their products, I'm sure.

Our story begins when Big Dave, who is 6ft 5in, not a fat f*ck, was sending me a file transfer via BlackBerry, the content of which is Top Secret. He pointed out that the transfer was slow and I should get the new BlackBerry Messenger. Rather than saying "No, you go back to the old version," as he likes the latest Shit even if it doesn't work, and I like stuff that works and had already checked up that the new version was unstable, I foolishly downloaded the latest version just to shut him up.

This immediately gave me the 'White Screen of Death', which is much the same as 'The Blue Screen of Death' on the PC. Luckily, being me, I just found and loaded the latest stable Operating System (OS) to my BlackBerry and it sorted the problem out.

I rebooted my BlackBerry and then went on the Internet. (Web, or whatever. I use colloquialisms, so don't edit this ;-P) After a short period of time it stopped working. I switched the Internet back on and it said 'You do not have enough credit to access the Internet'. I checked the balance and it was indeed Zero.

(I have my BlackBerry on 'Pay As You Go', as it is for others to contact me, and to go on the Internet for £5 a month and get all my messages for everything in real time. I'm clever like that. Those of you who are smart realize this is a very good deal if you are a smartarse like me. I even got the first 6months free!)

Bastards, I thought, those f*ckers at Orange did set my Phone to Orange WAP when I got it... I was refering to the incident where I bought the phone in person from an Orange shop from some idiot who thought he knew what he was talking about, when he actually knows f*ck all, as usual.

"Oh, we haven't got one on 'Pay As You Go' you'd be better off on contract." Pulling my iPhone out of my pocket I said, "This is on contract." as he looked on enviously. "I know what I'm talking about and I know why I'm getting the BlackBerry, so it's up to you, either sell me one on 'Pay As You Go' or I will go elsewhere." I firmly but politely said.

Not wanting to lose a sale, Mr. Thickshit rang up Head Office and got them to OK the sale of a Monthly Contract BlackBerry as a 'Pay As You Go'. After over half an hour f*cking about, which didn't bother me in the slightest, as I could walk around the shop testing every single product they had, which is the sort of thing I enjoy, He announced the phone was mine, on 'Pay As You Go' and ready to use.

I looked at him curiously and said, "It's not going to f*ck up coz it's been changed over is it?"..."Oh no Sir, it will be OK." The bastard actually looked me in the eye as he said this. "I have had to take out all the Monthly Contract stuff though. You have no Orange Bumf."

"No problems, I only want it for free Internet Access and for the up to ten Email addresses in sync' in real time. Suits me fine, bye." I then went home to experiment with my new toy. I never rang anybody. This was my Mobile Internet Communication Tool. After a few days of messing about on the Net I first got the 'You have no credit' message.

WTF! I thought. I rang up Orange and said that I had been charged for the Internet when it was supposed to be free. They told me I had set the Browser to Orange WAP and that is why I was being charged. I told them I hadn't and why the f*ck would I anyway! although I didn't use the word f*ck.

After a few phone calls over a few weeks between myself and Orange and BlackBerry were everytime I put my point across they agreed and said they would get on to their respective Refunds Dept's and I would be refunded. I never was refunded and gave up in the end and wrote it off as a bad experience as you do.

That now brings us back to the present.

The White Screen Of Death... Being good with this sort of shit I just found and uploaded the latest Op Sys for my phone and thought nothing of it. rebooted it and went on the Internet to check something. after a while it stopped working. FFS, I thought, and checked the credit. Zilch. Precisely three seconds later my phone was ringing Orange. I asked them if they had a record of my calls to them.

They told me they had. Very quickly and succinctly I told them I knew what I was talking about and that they had better refund any outstanding monies "Shit Hot." Which always works a treat. I told the man, "You are recording this so listen and play it back, coz I don't have the time or inclination to argue the toss with you.

I quickly and expertly told the story and how I had uploaded the new OS to aleviate my problems and that my phone in its infinite wisdom had decided to revert to its original factory settings. It was this that proved that they were the bastards and not me, so I want a full refund.

After this I told the man to ring me back when he had listened to my message, done some research, talked to his supervisor, and got me a full refund. How strange... less than an hour later, a grovelling Boss type Bastard rang me back apologiizing, grovelling and promising to fully reimburse me for my troubles.

"Good." I firmly but politely said. "Sort it...and don't ring this number again." and then immediately pressed the off button with deep satisfaction. Four hours later a big wadge of cash was mysteriously added to my phones empty credit, and no one has since tried to contact me... Strange that...

As luck would have it, the BlackBerry OS upgrade decided in its infinite wisdom to delete all my contacts from both my 64 gig Phone Memory AND Sim card. Most people would have been fuming about this but I was glad. Most people on my device are Bastards and C*nts, to the point that, being me, some actually had that next to their name. I have a great excuse to ignore them now.

The one exception was Loony Paul, who had DO NOT ANSWER next to his name. I don't miss Loony Paul. He is dead now, he died from liver failure due to alcoholism last year. Some people foolishly delete peoples names when they try to avoid people. I keep them so I know who the f*ck they are, then I can take evasive action.

Being clever, I also add their new number when they send it me in a text saying 'Here is my new number 01234 987650. Ps, you must be very busy as you never answer your phone. (Loony)Paul.' You have to do this so you can answer your phone to real new numbers in the line of 'Thingy' that I'm in.

I have once again run out of space, so can't bring you the hilarious part of the same tale about having my 'Free For Life Texts' Orange SMS Messages stopped. This was another good deal I took advantage of over a decade ago. Unlucky for Orange I pointed out I am actually still alive, as well as the word litigation. Funnily enough they reinstated that side of my contract with immediate effect. Tossers.