Climbing The Ladder To Success

This article was first published in 'The Ministry of Magic, Magic, Jokes' section of 'Warpios Wierd World Magazine' in January 2010, by Dr. Heckle. It has been shortlisted for the 'Another Waste Of Paper That Is Using Up The Worlds Valuable And Scarce Resources Award 2010'. It probably won't win because Dan Brown will release some more arsewipe before 2011.

[Oh yes, all you jaded ladies and mentalmen...It's time for another one of those Spoofs... that now you've clicked you had better leave quickly...because as usual...things are probably just going to go down hill and carry on through terra firma all the way to Hell... and back again...The Devil won't be keeping me there coz he can't handle me either.]

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-=Warpios Wierd World Magazine=-

-=Ministry of Magic Magic Jokes=-

Bartholomew Twartsenfadge was no ordinary old man. He was other things as well. Two of these things were; that he was a f*cking fictional character and, that he could see into another dimension, that others found very strange and very warped. They stayed away from this dimension and stopped in their own shitty little reality. This was best for everyone, everyone is happy, even the unhappy.

The snow at Bart's place had stopped and had been replaced by a deluge of rain which washed it and all the ice away. This was the first sign of the impending 'Floods of Doom' which are the start of the cataclysm that will finish in 2012. Old Twart decided it was time to nip into the local woods to check all the local fairies had survived the cold and to look for suitable trees with which to build an Ark.

He had already bought a lot of Smarmtex to cover the completed Armaggedon project at a very good price, because it is now being made in China under that name. It is just as good as the expensive original, which will now become cheaper as a result. Cleverly the Chinkies made it in multiple colours, so now that particular joke looks like it has died a natural death.

Packing a flask and some home made ginger beer and comestibles, along with an ice pick, in case the weather turned bad again, or he bumped into Leon Trotsky's ghost. which was always a possibility in these particular woods, the surprisingly sprightly old man walked down to the slightly spooky woods and started to walk through them. After an hour or so of checking the dark places where the faires liked lurking and finding everything was much as normal, he made his way to the clearing with the fallen tree were he usually had his pick nicked by a ruthless band of thieving Dwarves.

He couldn't believe that the snow had stuck to the ground for nearly two whole weeks. This was indeed an important portent. Bartholomew entered the clearing and to his surprise there was a mysterious cloud hanging above the clearing, with a wooden ladder leading up into it. Being nosey, as people always seem to be in these circumstances, without giving two hoots to the consequences, Bart, the clart, dumped his nack-sack of snacks and rather foolishly his unstolen, for a change, ice pick and started to climb the ladder.

He reached the top of the ladder and climbed up into a large room that smelt slightly of lavender and Camomile. As he did so, the ladder fell away and the floor became solid. There was no way back. It looked very much like the nosey old bastard was f*cked. Then a voice came from the bed in the beautiful room. "Hi, would you care to join me..." said the female voice. Spread baldeagled on the bed, naked in a suggestive pose, was a girl in her twenties and she was beckoning in a naughty provocative manner. She was Ok, Bart supposed, but he had seen better."...Or would you like to climb the ladder to see if there is something better on offer?" She smiled, as a ladder dropped down from above.

Bart thought "F*ck it, I'm going to climb the ladder." He reached the top of the ladder and climbed up into a large room that smelt slightly of Rose Petals and Burger Mott. As he did so, the ladder fell away and the floor became solid. There was no way back. Looking straight over to the bed he saw a pair of naked twin ladies who were waiting expectantly for a slice of old man pie. There was even a plate of blue smarties on a coffin table, in case there were any problems. "Are you gonna do us both doggy?...Or would you like to climb the ladder to see if there is something better on offer?" they smiled, as a ladder dropped down from above.

Twartsenfadge wasn't called that for nothing and he very nearly jumped on the bed. Something inside stopped him though, curiosity and greed. The ladder looked nicer too. It was set up to entice him. Quick wittedly grabbing a handful of Blue Smarties and pocketing them, he knew it meant trouble, but couldn't resist...he climbed the next ladder.

He reached the top of the ladder and climbed up into a large room that smelt slightly of moist minges and candyfloss. As he did so, the ladder fell away and the floor became solid. There was no way back. Over on the bed were a set of triplets clad only in their birthday suits. "This is it." thought Bart excitedly. "They always do the punchline now, it's tradition." The Trio of Tempresses giggled and frolicked, their blonde hair was gleaming in the well lit bedroom, as were all three waxed vaginas. "Do you want to join us, we haven't had a good hard shag for years, if ever. We are all absolutely gagging for it." all three said in unison...Or would you like to climb the ladder to see if there is something better on offer?" they smiled, as a ladder dropped down from above.

At this point our stupid as usual hero was very confused indeed. He looked at the girls...He looked at the ladder...he looked back again at the girls...and then his greed stupidly got the better of him. The senile old shit did the unthinkable...he walked over to the shimmering magical ladder and started to climb it.

He reached the top of the ladder and climbed up into a large pink room that smelt slightly of KY jelly and stale sperm! As he did so, the ladder fell away and the floor became solid. There was no way back. Peering into the murky depths he saw four naked girls. A beautiful blonde, a beautiful black girl, a beautiful brunette and a redhead. All four were layed there on the bed seductively awaiting what looked like was going to be the bestest shagathon ever in the history of mankind. Bartholomew thought, "F*ck it, whatever happens I'm stopping here, this is what we are talking about.

Popping a couple of blue smarties in his mouth he jumped on the bed as all four girls jumped off giggling. They undressed him and told him to go over to the pink velvet curtains covering what looked like an ante chamber. Bart walked over with the giggling girls and two got each side and pulled open their big pink velvety curtains.

Barts mouth dropped open in total shock, and he dropped a bloody ginormous fart, amongst some more solid stuff. Sat before him, totally naked in a chair, was a big, smiling gay looking guy. He was totally naked and stroking his very erect, oiled up, thick, throbbing phallus. "Hi, I'm Cess." Cecil grinned... as the evil enforcers either side of him moved forward to help Bartholomew fulfill his destiny, until he was fully filled.

That, my niche follower, was the joke. This paragraph is just for padding. It is here to hide the punchline, because I don't write this stuff for some lazy bastard to just scroll down to the punchline, give it 1 star and then f*ck off to read other articles. I would also like to thank you for reading my tom foolery whilst I've got chance. You my friend, are why I bother to write this stuff. Oh, and because I can't be naughty in the real World. There is always that I suppose.

-oo0oo-

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Writers Smote: You've got to admit...It could have been a lot more disgustingly written. I am curtailing the amount of real filth I write, as it hardly ever seems to get a Warning Notice, no matter how hard I try to get them. This has cleverly made me tone my ramblings down. I'm sure there is a Conspiracy, or Mark has been studying Reverse Psychology. Anyway, it has worked. If I do write any real bad stuff, which being me, is inevitable, I will continue to warn you at the beginning. You will then be forced to read it out of curiosity and then be offended afterwards. Do not blame me, blame him!...(points at his other self, Dr. Heckle... then went to hide in Hyde, Manchester, England from Mr. Hyde, but couldn't for obvious reasons).