Written by evan keliher
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Sunday, 28 November 2010

image for Grandpa Ganja's Emporium (The Cop) #5

FADE IN:

EXT. DAY. Shot of Grandpa Ganja's Emporium. GG sweeps the sidewalk, nods to passerby, turns and starts inside.

INT. Usual scene. Smoke eddies, CHESS PLAYERS in inaction, BETH at the table chats with 80-year-old CLARA with walker. CLIENTS at tables smoke, drink coffee, eat cookies. GUITARIST strums softly in a corner. GG crosses with broom and goes into backroom.

CLARA
…was really hot and all the ladies
were after him the same day he moved
in. Well, honey, some of those girls
are only 60 or so and entirely without
scruples. I mean, it was embarrassing
to watch the way they flirted with
him and turned all phony sexy every
time he showed up. They were like a lot of
school girls.

BETH
Pretty strong competition, eh?

CLARA
Oh, it's dog eat dog when you're old;
eligible men are hard to find.

BETH
Eligible meaning…?

CLARA
Any men who aren't dead yet.

BETH
That's a pretty low standard, isn't it?

CLARA
(shrugs)
You have to work with what you've
got, honey.


CLARA picks up a joint and adjusts it in her roach clip. BETH reaches for a light.

BETH
Here, let me light that for you.

CLARA
(holds joint out)
Thanks.
(she hits it, holds breath)

BETH
So, what did you do?

CLARA
(exhales)
About what?

BETH
The hot guy and the flirty women…

CLARA
Oh, that. Well, missy, I outwitted
them, that's what I did. I showed
just enough thigh and cleavage to
get his attention and invited him
in for a good home-cooked meal,
which I ordered in from a caterer,
of course.

BETH
Of course.

CLARA
And then I served dessert-and this
time it really was homemade.

BETH
You didn't!

CLARA
Yes, I did. Brownies with enough pot
in them to paralyze Tommy Chong. He
loved them, ate three brownies and
asked me to marry him.

BETH
He didn't!

CLARA
He did but I didn't. All I wanted
was the sex.

BETH
That's smart. You have to watch
these guys who always want commitment.
Most of them are only looking for
somebody to do their laundry.

GG enters from the backroom

GG
(to BETH)
You're taking in laundry now?

BETH
(to CLARA)
See?

CLARA
Let's hear it for one night stands!

GG
(aside)
Now, that's a cheery thought.

CLARA
(rising)
Gotta run. Got some more brownies in
the oven.

GG
(hands her baggie)
Here, don't forget your Wowie Maui.

CLARA
Oh, yeah. I'd never get laid again
without this stuff.
(puts baggie
in her bra, pats it)
Safest place. Nobody's going to put
his hand in an old lady's bra if he
can help it.
(she leaves)

BETH
You have to admire her spirit.

GG
Why, is she 76?

BETH
Here's Earl.

EARL enters and crosses to the table. He makes his way by bouncing off people, chairs, etc., like a pinball off bumpers. People remark as he passes. "Hang a left, Earl." "My fault, Earl." "Oops, look out there, Earl." He arrives at the table.

EARL
(grumbling)
Like walkin' through a goddam mine
field.

BETH
I thought you said you could sense
where things are, Earl.

EARL
I can. I've got radar like a bat
but people get in my way on purpose.
And furniture moves on me, too.
(looks around)
I think this place is full of
kinetic energy; stuff moves around
without a mover.

BETH
(interested)
So we really don't need a Prime
Mover, then? Somebody should tell
the pope.

GG
He already knows. His people
stole the idea from Aristotle in the
first place.

BETH
Yeah, he knows that, too.

EARL
Got any free samples today?

GG
That's redundant. Samples are always free.

EARL
(grins)
Yeah. Isn't that cool?

BETH
(pushes baggie forward)
There's some Panama Red left.

EARL
(brightening)
Hey, that stuff will turn your
head inside out.

GG
It worked for those robbers last
week. They turned Catholic and
joined a monastery.

EARL
(alarmed)
Say what?
(squeezes pot, frowns)
Did the Panama Red make 'em do that?

BETH
No, it was the flagellation. The nuns
beat the Devil out of them and that
meant they'd never have any fun again
so they signed up.

EARL
That's the saddest story I ever heard.
(lights pipe, inhales)

CLIENT calls out; holds cookie box aloft.

CLIENT 1
Hey, Gramps, any more cookies?

GG
Which kind? Regular or designer?

CLIENT 1
The cheap ones.

BETH
In the back. Fresh out of the oven.

GG
Right.
(starts out, calls)
Coming right up.

GG starts for the backroom just as DOC enters. He wears his usual blue scrubs.

BETH
The Doc's here, Earl.

EARL
Good. That means the patients at
the clinic are safe.

BETH
Shhh. Here he comes.

DOC
(looks around)
Nice crowd. Some of 'em even look
like real patients.

EARL
Hi, Doc. Drop any more hearts lately?

DOC
No, but I lost a liver this morning.
I just laid it down for a minute
and it disappeared. I think the
cat got it.

BETH
The cat ate a liver you were going
to transplant!?

DOC
No, no. I already made the transplant.
This was the liver I took out.

EARL
Lucky for you, Doc. You have to watch
those cats. I had a cat once that ate
my last six pot plants and left me
without a roach in the house.

DOC
What did you do?

EARL
(shrugs)
What else could I do? I smoked
the cat.

GG enters from the backroom.

DOC
(shrugs)
What else could he do?

GG
Was that your seeing-eye cat, Earl?

EARL
(snorts)
'Course not. It's against the law
to smoke a seeing-eye cat. It'd
be like smoking Lassie.

GG
Lassie's already been smoked. He
hasn't made a movie in 40 years.

DOC
(pointing to baggie
on table)
Is that Panama Red?

BETH
(nods)
Yep, what's left of it.

DOC
Say, that's good weed. I heard
about those robbers. The say this
pot turned 'em into monks.

EARL
It was the nuns.

GG
And a pair of cat-o'-nine-tails.

DOC
(interested)
Dominatrices?

BETH
They call themselves flagellant nuns,
Doc.

DOC
(imagines scene)
Yeah, dominatrices.
(comes to)
Say, I've got to go find that
liver. Let me have the rest of that
Panama Red. I'll give some to the cat
and make him come clean.

EARL
Don't waste good pot on a cat, Doc.
Give it to me and I'll help you
look for the liver.

DOC
(eyeing EARL)
Somehow, I think I'll have better
luck with the cat, Earl.

BETH
That's $200, Doc. A bit over half an
oz.

DOC
(pays her)
Good. A couple hits of this stuff
and that cat will be putty in my
hands.
(he starts out)

GG
(calling)
Let us know how it turns out.

BETH
(scornfully)
He's feeding pot to a cat
to get a confession out of him. What
do you expect will happen?

EARL
I say the cat won't talk.

GG
And I say he'll lead Doc straight to
that liver. Cats are intuitive;
they know what you're thinking. That's
why a cat always gets in the lap of
the one in the room who hates cats
the most.

CLIENT 1 sidles up and speaks guardedly.

CLIENT 1
Say, Gramps, there's a guy out front
who looks like he's casing the joint.
(all look toward
front)
He's across the street, over by
the 7-Eleven.

GG, et al., move toward window.

GG
Yeah, I see him. The big guy.

EARL
(looking)
Where? I don't see him.

CLIENT 1
Right there. Next to the…
(looks at EARL, frowns)

BETH
He looks like a cop.

GG
He is a cop. I'd guess his IQ is
about 85, he has a GED diploma,
and he's got a mean streak a mile wide.

BETH
That's stereotyping.

GG
Yeah, but it's also accurate.

BETH
He's new. I've never seen him before.

EARL
Maybe he's a Fed.

GG
Naw, Feds have almost normal IQs.
This guy looks more like a security
guard at the mall.

EARL
What's he watching us for? We aren't
breaking any laws.

GG
I don't know but keep an eye on
the asshole to make sure he doesn't
try anything funny.

CLIENT
He's coming this way!

BETH
(moving off)
Come on, don't let him see us
watching him!

They retreat to the table and assume natural poses. The door opens and DET. SCHULTZ enters. He wears heavy black cop shoes and a Hawaiian shirt over khaki pants. His nose is red and Clintonesque indicating a preference for strong drink. He stops at the door and scans the place before advancing into the room.

CLIENTS turn and follow his progress through the eddying smoke. Just as he reaches the table, he turns quickly and everyone looks away and feigns disinterest.

GG
(aside to BETH)
Switch the cookies!

BETH nods and slips away.

GG
We're clean, copper.

SCHULTZ
Copper? Who says I'm a cop?

GG
You do. You wear your shirt out to
hide your gun, you've got shifty
eyes, you're out of shape, and you
bought those shoes at the Police and
Firemen's Uniform Shop.

SCHULTZ
(fans away smoke)
Okay, I'm Lt. Shultz and you're violatin'
a state law against smoking in public
buildings, pal.
(reaches for ticket book)
That's a thousand buck fine and…

GG
That's not smoke; it's medicine.

BETH is seen in background as she switches cookie boxes on the coffee table.

SCHULTZ
Medicine? Are you nuts? It's smoke.

GG
(nodding)
It's also medicine, it's legal,
and you know it.
(to crowd)
Isn't that right?

Crowd shouts agreement. "Damn right!" "You tell 'im, Gramps!" "Fuck, yeah!" Etc. BETH rejoins GG and places the box of regular cookies on the table.


BETH
Besides, this isn't a public building;
it's a private club.

SCHULTZ
(hesitates)
Oh, yeah?
(starts moving,
looking)
Okay, I'll just have a look around
and make sure everything's on the
up and up.

GG
Not without a warrant, you won't.

SCHULTZ
What warrant? I'm just lookin'
around. Can't a citizen come in and
look around?
(spots coffee table,
cookies)
I mean, you've got coffee here-and
cookies, too. Now, that's right
neighborly. I could use a cup of
coffee myself.
(gestures)
I take it the coffee's on the house?

GG
Help yourself.

SCHULTZ
(pours coffee)
See, we don't need any warrants. Just
a friendly call to get acquainted, is
all.
(spoons in sugar)
We work together, that's the secret.
(cream, stirs, cranes
neck to scan room)

BETH
Try one of the cookies. Made
fresh this morning.

SCHULTZ
Cookies, eh?
(takes one, suspiciously)
These aren't funny cookies, are they?

GG
We don't give our designer cookies
away. If they're free, they must be okay.

Crowd watches the unfolding drama with bated breath. Some blow pot smoke in SCHULTZ's direction.

SCHULTZ
(fans smoke away)
That's what I figured.

SCHULTZ takes a bite of cookie and crowd grins and makes fist signs, etc.

EARL
I think I'll have one of those free
cookies myself.

CLIENT ONE
Yeah, me, too.

CLIENT TWO
What the hell, if they're free…

Others chime in. "Hand me one!" "Pass the box around!" Etc.

GG
(alarmed)
Wait a minute now, boys, that's
our last box of cookies…!

EARL
No, it isn't. There's a new batch
in the oven right now.

GG
(sotto voce)
Shut up, Earl!

EARL grins happily and chews away. Cookie box is passed around and empty box comes back to GG. He holds it upside down and shakes it.

SCHULTZ
(fans smoke away)
Say, these cookies are good! You
could charge two bucks apiece
for these.

GG
(wistfully)
I wouldn't be surprised.

SCHULTZ
And this coffee is terrific!

EARL
It's a special blend. It's got a
secret ingredient.

BETH
It's chocolate. Somebody dropped a
Mars bar in the pot.

SCHULTZ
(smacks lips)
Yeah, I can taste it.

GG looks at BETH and she shrugs.

GG
As you can see, everything's kosher
here. We're strictly legal. All
these people are patients with
doctors' notes on file. No letter,
no smoke.

SCHULTZ
Let me see the letters.

GG
No.

BETH
Get a warrant.

EARL
(looking around)
The man has no class. We give
him six-dollar cookies and free
coffee and he wants to see the
books. Somebody oughta show the
asshole the door.

SCHULTZ
(puzzled, looks at
cookie)
Six bucks? I thought they were free.

CLIENT
Earl's right, throw the bum out!

Others sing out. "Yeah, throw his ass out!" "Give him the ol' heave ho!" "Lose the bastard!"

SCHULTZ
(whirls about,
assumes fighting stance)
Oh, yeah? Who's gonna throw my ass
out?
(crowd is silent)
That's better. We're gonna have some
respect for the law around here
or I'll run the whole lot of you
in.
(bites cookie)

GG
Now, sergeant, there's no need for any
of that. We're law-abiding folks here.
We sell medical pot to patients.
Period.

SCHULTZ
(disgusted)
Patients, my ass! You're a lot of dopers,
that's what you are. You sell poison
to addicts. You start kids off on
pot and then hook 'em on crack cocaine
and heroin. They oughta put your ass
away for life!
(bites cookie
angrily)

GG
And you're an ignorant asshole. If you
don't have a goddam warrant, get the
hell out of here.

SCHULTZ
Listen, you…!

Door opens and the NUNS enter and head for the table.

BETH
The nuns are here.

All turn to look.

1st NUN
Hi, Grandpa! We're back!

EARL
(aside)
Did they bring their whips with 'em?

GG
(gesturing)
Ladies, meet Corporal Schultz. He's a cop.

2nd NUN
Oh, are you buying pot, too, Mr.
Schultz?

SCHULTZ
(flustered)
No, I'm, uh…

1st NUN
(proffers poor box)
Would you like to help the poor,
Mr. Schultz?

SCHULTZ
(stalling)
Well, I uh…

GG
Don't be cheap. Throw a fifty
in the box. Maybe they'll knock some
time off your sentence in hell.

1st NUN
(smiling)
We can't really do that, of course, but
it comforts people if they think we can.

EARL
(aside)
Sounds like a shell game to me.

2nd NUN
(piously)
We can pray for you, though.

1st NUN
It's only a dollar a minute…

GG
That's cheaper than those porn sites
you watch, corporal.

SCHULTZ
(reaches for wallet)
Well, I guess I can chip in for the
poor box…

1st NUN
That's wonderful!
(leans in)
Uh, the bishop prefers large bills;
it's easier to count the big ones.

SCHULTZ
(hesitates, several
20s in hand)
Uh, sure, uh…

2nd NUN reaches in and takes all of 'em.

2nd NUN
That's very generous of you, Mr.
Schultz! The bishop will be pleased…
(bills into poor box)

CLIENT 1
(aside)
And she never even used her whip!

SCHULTZ is confused momentarily and looks at the poor
box as if trying to figure out where his money went.

GG
It's okay, Schultz. Remember, virtue is
its own reward.

1st NUN
(pulls list out)
Do you have any more Panama Red?
The monks want to sign up new members…

2nd NUN
…and that pot is the best recruiting
tool ever! A few hits of Panama Red and
we can turn crooks into holy men
overnight.

EARL
(aside, to GG)
Or holy men into crooks.

GG
Ah, you're too late, Sister. Doc
got the last baggie half-an-hour
ago.

SCHULTZ
(more confused)
Uh, look, I, uh…

GG
Hang on a minute, let me get their order.

1st NUN
We need one pound of Mexican, eight
ounces of Kentucky Blue, six oz. of Howie
Maui, six oz. of Cameroon Haze, and
six oz. of hash.

GG
Coming up.

EARL
(to NUNS)
I don't suppose you brought your
whips, did you?

2nd NUN
(whip out, snaps it)
We're flagellant nuns, remember. We
always have a whip handy in case
we come across somebody who needs a
good whipping.
CLIENT 1
(overhears her)
I could use a good whipping.

CLIENT 2
Me, too.

GG
(arranges baggies
on table)
Ease up, boys. The ladies are on
their break.
(to NUNS)
There you go. That comes to $7,200
and we throw in a free roach clip.
(camera on cheap clip)

1st NUN opens the poor box and dumps cash on the table. SCHULTZ gapes in awe at the mound of cash.

1st NUN
(counts)
We had a good week at the parish.

2nd NUN
It's an all-new plan. Instead of
assigning penance in confession, the
bishop fines them so much for
each sin.

SCHULTZ
(stoned)
That's poor box money!

1st NUN
(defensively)
Not all of it. Some of it is fines.

GG
Are you all right, Schultz?

SCHULTZ
(tries to
collect himself)
Uh, sure. Uh…
(looks at smiling
CLIENT 1)
What are you grinning at?

CLIENT 1
I'm not grinning.

SCHULTZ
Well, don't do it again. Grinning
at a cop is against the law.

EARL
Is it okay to laugh at a cop?

Everybody laughs except SCHULTZ who blinks and looks at BETH.

SCHULTZ
You got any more of those cookies?

BETH
Sure. Here you go.
(hands him a
regular cookie)

GG
(taking money)
You're all set, ladies. Tell the
bishop I said hi.

2nd NUN
(smiles)
High. He'll like that. The bishop
is fond of puns.

The NUNS start out.

CLIENT 2
(to the NUNS)
Uh, should somebody go with you?
I mean, you could be robbed or…

1st NUN
That's very thoughtful of you,
young man…

2nd NUN
(both pull out
whips, snap 'em)
…but nobody robs a flagellant nun!

CLIENT 2 pulls back in alarm as the NUNS leave.

GG
(to SCHULTZ)
You still here? Haven't you got
some widows to evict or orphans to
molest?

SCHULTZ
There's something funny goin' on here.
(fans smoke away)
I feel funny.

GG
You look funny. Your face is all
blurry, like you're out of focus.

EARL
Yeah, even I can see that.

SCHULTZ
(thinking)
But am I out of focus or is there
something wrong with your vision?

BETH
(aside)
He's stoned.

GG
Yeah, that's stoner logic, all right.
(to SCHULTZ)
Look, Schultz, come back when you
stop feeling funny. We'll save some
cookies for you.

BETH
I'll give you some to take home.
(regular box-into baggie)

EARL
Come on, I'll help you across the street.

SCHULTZ
(thoroughly stoned)
Yeah, I'll come back…

GG
Remember, not a word to anybody. It's
our secret.

SCHULTZ
What is?

BETH
Exactly. Here, takes some cookies.
(hands baggie over)

EARL
(takes SCHULTZ by arm)
Let's go, man. We don't want people
feeling funny around here.

EARL leads SCHULTZ out and guides him into things and people as they leave.

BETH
Works every time.

GG
That's four now. We turn 'em into
stoners and that makes 'em nice guys
so they can't be cops anymore.

BETH
They retire on full disability and
never have to work again. They
should thank us.

They move to the front and watch as EARL guides SCHULTZ across the street. As we watch, EARL nearly drags the cop
in front of a passing car.

THE END


Evan Keliher ©2009

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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