Business Brief
Rupert Murdoch in 'I did not have relations with Blair' shocker
New York - "Guys, there is no DNA-laced cigar or Lewinsky-esque blue dress," a statement on behalf of the NYC-based octogenarian NewsCorpse mogul said today, "either in the back of a closet or at a downtown dry cleaners.
"Our client also refutes t...
Taco Bell adds new "secret ingredient" to its fast food fare
TACO BELL, USA - Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, we may never want to order another taco again. In a "disgusting photo," a Taco Bell employee is shown adding a "secret ingredient" to the fast-food franchise's menu by licking a large stack of taco she...
Celebrities sell themselves
HURRAH for HOLLYWOOD - Celebrities have begun to sell themselves! "My body is my instrument," Katy Perry says. Like other big-name stars, Snooki, Kate Walsh, Khloe and Lamar Kardashian, and Selena Gomez have bottled their essence-their pheromones and...
London Opens Up The Nation's First Giddy Up Burger Diner
LONDON - Brompton Boxgrove, a reporter with Britain's Tickety Boo News, has just reported that merry olde England has just opened up a brand new fast food establishment.
Boxgrove reports that The Giddy Up Diner has just opened for business in the...
Microsoft Retail Store Unable to Open
England's Burrito Bell's Introduces The Silver Saddle Supreme
Americant Airlines doesn't want you in the cabin
Apple Says It's Time for a 'Smart Wristwatch'
Mobile Game Developer Can Upgrade From 'Lite' to Full Defense in Lawsuit, Says Supreme Court.
In a bold and self-congratulatory move, a group of mobile gaming enthusiasts have sued Novio, the developer of the Angry Fowl series, for $50 million dollars, according to papers filed in New York Federal Court today.
According to the suit, Novio...
Farquar unravels plot at Walmart
Harvey L. Farquar of Glenn Hills, Minnesota uncovered what may have been one of the more diabolical retailing plots known to mankind.
Farquar realized that on every shopping occasion at Walmart, that he experienced some nasal discomfort, and he h...
GOP Acquires Carnival Cruise Lines for 'Fun and Profit'
Somewhere At Sea - Looking to shake its stodgy image and sinking popularity, the Republican Party has purchased Carnival Cruise Lines.
The move is designed to rebrand and re-energize the right side of the political spectrum. "From here on out, the...
Millions of Cypriots will go commando as EU bailout imposes austerity knicker tax says seer
Nicosia - A Cyprus psychic whose visions interpret supernatural omens by staring intently at expensive underwear has warned the nation will go commando rather than pay the new exorbitant levy on butt cover-ups.
Nicholas Nicholaides, 69, known on t...
Nation Mourns Death of Serial Killer
"There's nothing on television, rotten movies, sex has gotten boring, tired of seeing youth with rings through their digits!", admits several at Jim's Bar & Girl.
Chevron opens Moon regional HQ
Pennsylvania - Newly acquired lunar oil field rights mean the San Ramon-based super major needs a new regional headquarters office campus a Chevron source said today.
And next month the company will be starting up its newbuild-in-the-sky according...
Walmart's ingenious scheme to push impulse buys
Not to be outdone by Kroger's and some other grocery chains, Walmart has installed "infa-red" sensors in all of their stores, which will indicate the number of customers in the store, which will enable them to close lanes so that all open registers w...
Apple Announces Their New Corporate Name
CUPERTINO, California - A representative with Apple Inc. has just informed the news media that the consumer electronics giant will be changing their company name.
Toby Columbus Pittypacker, 49, explained that after months of inner-corporate debati...
Heaven Restructuring: God Out, Shiva In
St. Peter announced today that heaven was going through a major restructuring and that Yahweh, CEO of Heaven since time immemorial, would be replaced by Shiva, known to his associates as "the Destroyer."
Explained St. Peter: "Over the millennia,...
Pills Are Us reveals new product
It has finally happened, and we knew it would
The APA, American Pharmaceutical Association, revealed today that "Pills Are Us," a pharmaceutical company in Southbend, Oregon, which is just South of Bend, Oregon, after seven years of exhaustive res...
Apple annouces the iPhart portable lunch
California - Fresh from the fertile minds of Apple engineers, according to Apple spokesman Dick Mac Intush, the new portable iPhart lunches will be dispensed everywhere from new Apple vending machines.
The new product offering includes:
An appl...
Yoko Ono's designer adult diaper line bombs
New York - The octogenarian artist is being sued over intellectual property rights to her latest line of geriatric sanitary wear by rival designers who allege plagiarism and, er, 'taking the piss'.
Ono's super-absorbent incontinence pads were laun...
Patrons Boycott Computer Shop Because of Installing OpenOffice instead of Microsoft Office
MYLITTLEPO, NY (Acme Quicknews) -- Patrons of the Reference Computer Shop protest in front of the shop because of the lack of installed software, especially regarding the open-source office application OpenOffice.org.
One of the patrons, who wishe...
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Dyson launches the Dyson Hair Straighteners
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Yippee! Beeb's handy Budget Calculator puts Spoof writer at £7,984,115 better off in 2013/14!
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