Discussion Forum

My divine Snuggums,

My heat sinks like a council worker going down the manhole to check if next doors cat is blocking the drains.

The thought of you committing suicide makes me want to run someone over in my ice cream van. Again.

Our love bond is greater than that. Our mutual strength combined will be more than enough to ensure nobody else need perish beneath the wheels on a 30-year old, barely road-worthy vehicle.

We must be strong. Prison is not as bad as the Shawshank Redemption made it out to be.
I share a cell with a friendly girl. Each night she offers to sleep with me.

But lesbian love cannot compete with the love between a man and woman on the Internet.
That is a scared love more powerful that the multiple orgasms I achieve with her and sometimes a few of the other girls and wardens.

I must stop now. I only get access to 20 minutes of internet tim

Mary?
Mary???

Are you there MARY?

Dear Mr Snuggums,

I, Sir, am Mary's husband, and I have been following your secret love tryst on my personal computer, which I have kept in a cupboard, hidden from my wife for over 40 years. I have stolen details of her email log-in, and recently discovered her disloyalty - albeit a cyberspace-type disloyalty - and feel that I must alert you to Mary's penchant for striking up relationships with token shop managers and their ilk.

Mary frequently makes the acquaintance of a chap like yourself. Soon after, she dumps the poor soul in question on emptying his bank account of his entire life savings. She regularly purports to be Nigerian, this fraud to undertake. If I were you, Mr Snuggums, I'd get rid of the bitch before she fleeces you.

Yours sincerely,

Eric Umbongo (Mary's husband)

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Quote: Monkey Woods

Dear Mr Snuggums,

I, Sir, am Mary's husband, and I have been following your secret love tryst on my personal computer, which I have kept in a cupboard, hidden from my wife for over 40 years. I have stolen details of her email log-in, and recently discovered her disloyalty - albeit a cyberspace-type disloyalty - and feel that I must alert you to Mary's penchant for striking up relationships with token shop managers and their ilk.

Mary frequently makes the acquaintance of a chap like yourself. Soon after, she dumps the poor soul in question on emptying his bank account of his entire life savings. She regularly purports to be Nigerian, this fraud to undertake. If I were you, Mr Snuggums, I'd get rid of the bitch before she fleeces you.

Yours sincerely,

Eric Umbongo (Mary's husband)

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Voodoo magic from the Woods!

Dear Mr. Umbongo,

I'm sorry that you had to find out about your wife's infidelities in this way (I proposed a the idea of sky writing, but was too expensive).

There is no other way to put it:

Your wife has been pretending to be Nigerian. She is actually Welsh. The excessive amounts of money spent each week from YOUR FRAUDULENTLY ACQUIRED accounts worldwide go towards fake tan and internet usage.

Your4 wife has been playing you like a cheap man whore while you have been thinking that she rips off unwary internet users with your vile scams.

You, sir, are the scam-ee, not I.


Mary has professed herself to me. If you seek to take this further I must warn you that I know several hitmen who have purchased various unidentified inflatable items from our stores.You may take this as a threat.

Yours,


John

O, Eric, I'm so sorry I lied to you.

Most of what Johnny Snuggums says is true but I want you to know that I genuinely had feelings for you.
I wouldn't let a man do to me what you did if there wasn't some kind of trust and love there.

Please believe me. I never meant to make you cry.

Don't look at me like that.
I can't bare to think of you looking at me with that lazy eye of yours.



Mary

Listen here, Umbongo,

You take your filthy, fucking lazy eye of my Mary. She's mine now, ya here.

I will come down to Nigeria and fucking gut you like a fish.
I'll make you squeal so bad your mother will think the pigs given birth to a hippo.

I'll fuck you up good.

Stay away from my girl.


Please find enclosed picture of me at a gym in Torquay lifting weights.


John

John,
I'm becoming rather disturbed by your aggression.
I fell in love with you becasue i thought you were a kind, generous, caring person.

Remember how you sent me that unnamed inflatable item fro free?
Remember our first tentative steps into true love?

I was attracted to your sensitive nature.
I want the man I lusted after.
I want the man who sits at the computer and answers lifes little problems.

I don't want some muscular, hulking mass of flesh with a huge penis, success and wealth.
I want you, my little Johnny Snuggums XXX


Mary

The old Jonny Snuggums is dead, Mary.

Theres a new Johnny in town. A rubber Johnny.
I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me in the past few days.

For the first time in my life I feel like a man.

Facing up to that thuggish oaf of a man you husband and I call Mr. Umbongo, just made me feel like I've broken down the emotional barriers that have been blighting my life since that day, aged 7, I shit my pants in front of the entire class.

I've lived with that shame for years. It overrided every dream I had. I couldn't look at people in the face becasue I was afraid they'd remember little Johnny Shitty pants.

My own father stopped speaking to me. he may have been dead but it still hurt.

Mary my love, I want to marry you. I want us to run away. To get away from all the crap of this life.

Mary, I'm building a spaceship. And I want you to life with me in Space.

Hugs and kisses,


Johnny Snuggums

O, John.
I don't know what to say.

There are so many technical and safety issues involved, notwithstanding the fact that I'm still legally married to Eric.

I'm also in prison and awaiting execution.

I'll have to think it over, my sweet.


Mary

Have you come to a decision yet, my beloved?

X0X0

John

I'll need a little bit longer that a minute to consider all the details first, John.

But worry not, my prince charming, for I will come to the decision soon.


All my sweetest love,

Mary

Dearest Mr Snuggums,

The scam you refer to, and which I referred to in my initial communication, is a figment of my imagination, and, therefore, not real.

With this in mind, Sir, I must insist that you refrain from mentioning it ever again. Failure to comply with this friendly request will arouse a great ire in me, and I shall whisk myslef up from Lagos in an 'iron bird' and sally forth to Heathrow Airport with the express objective of doing you harm.

Substantial harm.

Did you know that I only wear a loin cloth?

Yours,

Eric Umbongo

Dear Mr. John


This is Fr. Brown of the female institution. I am writing to you on behalf of inmate 011574 "Mary", who asked me to contact you with an urgent message.
She told me in the strictest confidence how to give a perfect buttock massage. But that is not important right now.

What is important that you listen to what I tell you.

Mary is due to be executed tonight. I know this is all very sudden but life's shit, isn't it?
Anyway, she wants you to be by the prison walls on the East side of the prison at 11.46PM exactly.
She also asked that you bring 30ft of rope, a change of dark clothes and a dune buggy. The dune buggy is not so important, but she says she always wanted to ride in one.
A regular car of moped will suffice.

This email will self destruct...of who am I kidding. Just hit delete when you've read it.

I was never here and you don't know a Fr. Brown.


Fr. Brown
Prison Chaplin
Female Prison

Father, father!
Did Mary say anything about the spaceship?
I need to know, Father.

Does she love me enough to go to space with me?
Also, does she require 2-ply or 3-ply knotted rope?


John

For fucks sake, John.
This is a matter of life and death.
She has more important things on her mind that deciding to go to space. She'll let you know when she gets out.

Rope is rope, John.

The important thing is to turn up at the wall at the exact time. Got that?



Fr. Brown

Ok. Thats fine, Father.
I'll be there.

There's just one more thing. Could you marry us? Seeing as you are a man of faith and holiness, I just thought thats the kind of stuff you could do. For free?

Also, what should I do about Mr. Eric Umbongo?

Yours,

John

Jesus!
Listen, buddy, just turn up with the rope and the other shit and wait at the exact time.
Don't worry about Umbongo. I know all about him. I've got someone working on that.

As for the marriage, you must be fucking joking asking that I do it for free. I'm booked right up 'til June 2010. Unless one of the couples dies I really can't see you skipping the queue.

Just do what you've been told to do, son, and make sure not to mention any of this to anyone.


Fr. Brown

Fair enough. I won't say a peep to anyone except Mother.


John

Say nothing to NOBODY! Not even your Mother.
You fuck this up and she dies, man.

You know how long it takes to die from hanging? Well, neither do I, but I've heard that things can go horribly wrong. In this dump this use the short drop rather than the long drop. You could be dangling up there for ages before your cut down.

Do you want her to suffer?
Just be a good lad and do what you're told and say nothing to your mother.



Fr. Brown

Understood. Over and out.
Roger


John

Dear Mr Budda,

For that is who you truly are, you charlatan, hiding behind the aliases (should that be 'alia'?) of Mary, John Snuggums and the other one, Fr Fuckface.

You cad! I shall be leaving my humble mud hut in deepest, darkest and dingiest Nigeria very shortly to come and 'sort you out', Sir!

You have made a mockery of Anglo-African relations, and I shall be arriving at your residence in the afternoon on Thursday. Have your kettle ready.

Eric Umbongo

xxx

Dear Eric,

I have been reading your email over and over and over.
I do not know why.

Yes, you are correct. This was all an elaborate scam. The fools!

Now we will never know the outcome:

Did Mary make it out alive?
Was she pregnant with Eric Umbongo's child?
Was she pregnant with Johns child?
Was she pregnant with Fr. Brown's child?
Why would she be pregnant anyway? There was never ny mention of pregnancy until now.

Did John and Eric Umbongo have an almighty fight ot the death? In a pit? Of vipers? Naked?

What about the child Mary murdered in her ice cream van? What was the deal with that?

These and other questions never to be answered.


Unless I start it all up again...


Yours truly, madly deeply,


Hugh Ryan




PS: I probably will too.

Mary!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !


I have the money.

Meet me at the cabbage bar, bring organic honey or I will kill your cats.

Love,

SNOOKUM BASTAD DE FIRD.

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Quote: Fergus McCarthy

Mary!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !


I have the money.

Meet me at the cabbage bar, bring organic honey or I will kill your cats.

Love,

SNOOKUM BASTAD DE FIRD.

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Fergus: are you going to contribute to the western, or just fook around on line?

Your Fan,

Morse