Joran van der Sloot Claims He Should be Rescued Too

Funny story written by Charpa93

Wednesday, 13 October 2010


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Upon getting word while incarnated in a Peruvian prison that one-by-one, the 33 Chilean miners who have been trapped underground since August 5 are now being brought out of the mine, alleged murderer Joran van der Sloot issued a statement through his Peruvian attorney asking that he too be rescued before all rescue operations cease.

Van der Sloot claims the Chilean people "owe him one" as they were the ones who first apprehended him in June of this year on charges of killing a Peruvian woman and then deported him the next day to Peru to await trial on murder charges.

"Everyone knows that Peruvians are less compassionate than Chileans when it comes to cases of human interest," said van der Sloot. "Had I been allowed to remain in Chile during this entire ordeal, all the authorities would have had to do is finalize the rescue of the 33 trapped miners and then hop on over to the Chilean jail and spring me too and let me go my merry way. The fact that I'm one country removed from that scenario is now going to cost me some valuable time in getting my freedom, if I get it at all."

Peruvian officials claim that this is just the latest in a long line of daily demands issued by van der Sloot to prison officials. Said one guard, "Last week Joran saw on the news that coffee prices in Peru were going to skyrocket in the next two to three months and he was convinced that he wasn't going to be served his favorite blend as per usual. He had his attorney file a brief calling for his release from prison immediately on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment."

Van der Sloot's petition to take an extended vacation to Easter Island has been appealed, but should be expected to have a ruling later this year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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