The all-conquering English leader Napoleon Mouseheart had tried to invade Scotland from England with his superbly organised army, but today had to order them to retreat from the outskirts of Scotland's capital city of Edinburgh, due to the appalling weather there.
Napoleon Mouseheart was born in the English town of Mainwaring, Sussex, and became a professional soldier and went on to became the Emperor Napoleon I of England. Having launched successful invasions of Wales and Ireland he realised he could never be a real world leader if he didn't also conquer Scotland, and so took his army to the city of Manchester to prepare them for the invasion of that country.
But then bad wintery weather hit Britain with heavy snow and sleet and ice, and all the local horse-drawn transport simply stopped because of a few snowflakes - although the transport in Scotland carried on as normal.
Napoleon then ordered his troops to march north and soon they were crossing the border into Scotland, noticing that the few locals they saw were wearing short-sleeved tunics and acting as if the snow that was everywhere didn't exist. The army took weeks to march to Edinburgh, stopping for whole days to warm themselves in taverns and pubs, where the Scots philosophically charged them treble for everything they could, and the troops had become fatigued and even frostbitten.
'I'm not sure we can carry on, sir', his second in command Arthur Wilson told the general, watching the English soldiers shivering standing at a form of ease and wearing woolly gloves, while a couple of Scottish children merrily threw snowballs at them from bare hands.
'These Smelly Socks don't even notice this weather, maybe we should turn back.' 'Never!', Napoleon said, noticing a Scottish cat wandering along sniffing at the ground, 'we are zee - I mean the English, the mightiest nation on Earth, how can we let a bit of snow bring us to a halt?'
'With respect, sir, a country that uses the title 'the mightiest nation on Earth' is usually a feeble one like the USA.' 'Never mind that, Wilson, order the troops forward!', and soon they had reached the village of Longstone and took shelter in The Haggis and Heart Disease Inn, though it was a tight fit with 30,000 men in one pub. Napoleon then conferred with his subalterns.
'Well, chaps', he said, 'we are nearly there. Close to the capital city of Edinburgh, the jewel in Scotia's crown, the city of John Knox that -' 'Pint of 80, please', said Wilson. '- led the world for centuries as -' 'And a packet of pork scratchings. Hey, Mousie! What are ye havin?'
'Kindly let me finish my pompous speech, Wilson. So let us now say -' 'Oh, feck off, ya English bam!' '- that we shall defeat those accursed Scots once and for all, and - OK, a large Glenmorangie then, no ice - and steal their whisky and oil, and - no ice, ya bastard! - and ... hey! This dram's a millimetre short of the measure line, ya wee shite!' 'Sorry, sir, as you're English I didn't think you'd notice.'
'Right, boys. Now, tomorrow we, er, we'll tak on they Scots and do whatever the feck we're here for, jeez this bevvy's pure dead magic, ya ken.' 'Sir, shouldn't we -' 'Piss off, Wilson, let's eat, drink and be merry!' And at closing time the entire army were asked to drink up and went outside and all died of hypothermia, due to alcohol and having the constitution of particularly sensitive butterflies.
Russians and Scots and Norwegians were sitting drinking neat vodka and laughing about it all, while the whole of England closed down due to a feeble snow fall.
