Bird flu, the potential world killer that never was, has taken a new form. The virus is now capable of infecting inanimate objects which are in the shape of birds - including rubber ducks, plastic chicks and wall-mounted flying geese.
A rubber duck salesman in Vietnam is reported to have died from the new strain of the disease, although it is also alleged that a dead chicken was found about his person.
All bird-shaped items are now required to be handed in to the Bird Flu Inquisition and burned to prevent any danger to the public. Any bird-shaped inanimate objects are at risk, even key-rings or ornaments.
If the public are alarmed that they may own a piece of infected bird flu, they can call 0800-I-PANIC to talk to a sympathetic operator who will tell them to calm down and stop worrying.
Scientists say there is no risk of humans catching the disease from inanimate objects, but what would they know...