Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 19 July 2018

image for Power of Positive Thinking Found to be a Big Load of Shit

Many people around the world believe in the importance of positive thinking. It is often said that having a good attitude as well as a healthy mindset will generally improve an individual's quality of life and lead to success in his or her endeavors.

In fact, many men and women are firmly convinced that positive thinking will help them overcome challenges, and they also believe that good things will happen to them if they focus their efforts and their mental energy on "being happy."

Researchers at the International Institution of Universal Truth, however, have recently discovered that the so-called "power of positive thinking" is not only a myth, but also a big load of shit.

"It's a big load of shit," lead researcher, Thomas Waters, told our news staff.

"It is both naïve and dangerous to assume that 'positive thinking' and 'happy thoughts' have the power to bring good things into our lives. In addition to that, the belief itself is just plain fucking stupid!" he said.

To prove their point, the Institution provided their research findings on a case they had analyzed.

A young man, Billy Steiner, had recently approached Melissa Clemens, the woman of his dreams, in order to reveal his true feelings for her.

Billy had been friends with Melissa for several years, and he was completely and totally in love with her. Unable to hold his feelings inside any longer, he took a brave step forward and asked her to be in a serious relationship with him.

With all the confidence and positive thinking that he could possibly muster, he also told her that he loved her.

Melissa looked at him thoughtfully for a few moments and then turned him down. She explained that she had never had any 'romantic' feelings for him, and she also told him that he was not her type because he was not sexually experienced enough to be with her. In addition to that, she revealed that she had a lover named Antonio and that she was going to marry him next month. To make sure that Billy's feelings would not be hurt at that point, she also included the fact that Antonio was a real 'animal' when it came to making love.

"Antonio has been giving it to me really, really hard lately," Melissa told the researchers. "And that's exactly the way I like it! Billy is nice to have as a friend, but Antonio is a 'real man.' He also has lots of money and a nice boat, and those are things I admire."

The positive thinking that Billy had mustered up before approaching Melissa was completely gone, and it was replaced by a horrible feeling of shock, devastation, and severe emotional pain. Agony and profound loads of sadness were written all over the young man's face as depression relentlessly invaded what was left of his dying soul. Researchers could actually pinpoint the exact moment when his heart split in two.

"When he put his head on his hands and started weeping intensely, we could tell that every last ounce of his remaining hope was completely gone," one of them said.

As one wretched, salty tear after another made its way down Billy's face, he started making statements such as, "I can't believe how much it hurts inside," and "I don't know if I have the strength to keep going."

When asked if it bothered him to know that Melissa and Antonio were making extremely intense and wild love every night like a couple of animals in a hot jungle of forbidden passion and that Melissa would probably never even think about him again after she married Antonio, the pain he felt inside became even more excruciating.

After being further reminded that Melissa had never actually had feelings for him and that this severe moment of heartbreak would probably haunt him for the rest of his life, Billy got up and walked away with a blank, empty expression on his face. As he made his way slowly down the street past other young couples who were happily holding hands, he looked like a weary, sick, lost person who was loaded with unbearable amounts of torment and anguish.

"We could tell that there was not one single positive thought left in his mind," said Thomas Waters.

"The young man's positive thinking had clearly not helped him or improved his circumstances. Honestly, we were actually kind of worried about his mental state after the incident occurred, but we had to immediately continue with our next research project on scientifically disproving the idea that our pets actually love or care about us. After that, we will be investigating whether or not prayer actually works."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
49 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more