Written by Chris Hanson

Thursday, 7 December 2006

image for Beyonce Knowles Named Fellow of All Souls College, Oxford
All Souls has had a solopcism faculty since 1882

OXFORD - Singer Beyonce Knowles will become a Fellow of All Souls College, Oxford beginning in Michaelmas term, 2007, the college announced today.

"Miss Knowles is one of the world's leading thinkers on metaphysical solopcism, the notion that, from her perspective, the world is nothing more than a projection of Beyonce Knowles," Sir Dirk McGintey, chair of the search committee, told reporters.

"She has also done remarkable work in Cartesian methodological solopcism -- she thinks therefore she is therefore we are therefore we give a damn what she thinks and feels. Finally, she is an artist of applied solopcism. Who else but she could have composed lyrics such as these?"

"Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend"

All Souls is unique among Oxford Colleges in having only Fellows pursuing research, no students.

Sir Dirk said, however, that Miss Knowles will deliver one lecture a week, open to all university students and members of the public.

She will receive an honorary doctorate from the University of Chicago at commencement ceremonies next month.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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