Capitol Hill--Iowans and Ohioans will soon see their governmental presence shrink, while residents of Massachusetts and Connecticut will gain much more political clout when new representation rules are put into effect in January 2006.
The new regulation will base the number of congressional legislators on the number of letters in the spelling of each state. Since the traditional method of governmental representation based strictly on population has proven ineffective, the new measure is expected to provide a more balanced, fairer apportionment of governmental power.
House Rules and Means Chairman, West Virginia Independent Matt Whizbang, who introduced the bill late last Sunday night when no one else was around, said his bright idea will mean great things for many Americans in states where their small populations have hampered them in the past. "Now, people in Rhode Island and Delaware have a greater voice than before. And those in Ohio and Iowa will learn what it's like to be on the short end of the stick for once!" "It's all about equity," co-sponsor Rhode Island Libertarian Ima Bitzlow, said as she proudly held up her ten fingers to signify the new number of representatives her state will soon have. It appears the new method now encompasses both the spirit and the "letter" of the land.
The bill will be sent immediately to the White House for enactment into law. Once the ink is dry on the president's signature, the new statutes go into effect. Emergency interim elections are expected to be hastily scheduled to bring under-represented states into compliance. Lotteries will decide those "extras" in over-represented states that will have to resign and seek other options.
Political analysts are poised to track the anticipated shift of voters to states with longer names. Economists are also wary of the effect of mass migrations on the national economy, the inflation rate and the overall cost of living. To lessen the effect on its about-to-be-diminished lawmaking leverage, Iowans are in a closed-door caucus at this very hour, scrambling to come up with a new state name that has more letters. Popular candidates leaked to Spoof News include "South Minnesota," "East Nebraska," and "West Wisconsin."
International relations may see a transformation in how the USA deals with and is view by our foreign neighbors. In names, it seems the more the merrier. Those who see us as friendly and helpful are expected to start calling us "the United States of America," while those countries that don't play well with us have dubbed us, the "BB," which is short for "Bad Boys."