Goodwill to Install Surveillance

Funny story written by Quentin Shires

Thursday, 17 December 2009

image for Goodwill to Install Surveillance

BOSTON- In a major effort to decrease theft from thrift stores, Jim Gibbons, President and CEO of Goodwill Industries International, reported yesterday that he is requiring all Goodwill donation centers to begin installing high-tech surveillance equipment.

The equipment that most stores will have installed by February 2010, not only includes high tech surveillance cameras throughout the parking lot and stores; but also multiple surge protectors with built in 'nanny-spy-cameras', DVR recorders, and wall clock hidden audio monitoring devices. All employees will also be required to wear wristwatch spy audio/digital video recorders throughout their scheduled shifts.

"Goodwill is the leading donation source in the United States," Gibbons said during a press conference yesterday, "It is our job to make sure that theft is minimized throughout our country, especially in thrift stores".

With growing fears that thieves are targeting urine stained mattresses, LP records (33's, and 45's), employees of Goodwill are eager to start the new security precautions.

"I think it's a marvelous idea," employee, Loretta Lynn Montanna said during her twelve-minute cigarette break, behind the donation bins. "Let's catch these people that try and take advantage of the needy!"

Gibbons stated that employees who will not support the new security measures would be suspended immediately, and will automatically lose their employee discount. "A current luxury that employees receive is a 25 percent discount on any goodwill item of their choice" the CEO said. "If you don't support Goodwill's new security policy, I don't think we'll have room for you here"

Loretta says that she relies on her discount in order to fashion her cheap wardrobe of hot pink pants, knee-high boots, and knotted t-shirts. "Everyone has to be on board with this," she stated, "otherwise they will lose their jobs! I can't afford that, especially during these hard economic times".

The estimated cost for the security measures amount to approximately 13.5 million dollars nationwide. Goodwill is currently asking America for more donations.

Scientists have been studying the crime patterns among thrift stores over the past ten years and speculate that thieves will continue stealing way more than the anticipated mattresses and records.

"Our research indicates that thieves are going to start a new trend within the 2010/2011 fiscal year," scientist Joseph Reynolds stated. "Yes, they are going to continue stealing urine stained mattresses, but these criminals are ruthless, they will continue with other items such as rust covered saucepans, and chipped coffee mugs. Crime doesn't go away on its own!"

With approximately 80 percent of the staff on board with these new security procedures, training will start before the years end on how to use the personal wristwatch audio/video recorders. Private Eye Dick Johnson is giving security tips during these training sessions.

"Employees have to watch out for criminal behavior here at Goodwill," Johnson said from his private agency this morning. "Check receipts, check people's bags, and most of all check to make sure there is nothing in their car."

Johnson said he is meeting with the CEO of other thrift stores to get them on board to stop the slew of missing urine stained mattresses. The Salvation Army, and St. Vincent de Paul, were unavailable for comment.

Quentin Shires


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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