Written by Robert W. Armijo

Saturday, 11 July 2009

image for Oscar Mayer's Wienermobile fathered "Little Sprout"?
Is "Little Sprout" the heir apparent to the Oscar Mayer Estate?

Fresno, California - In a shocking confession that has rocked the frozen food section and processed meat aisle of the supermarket industry, the Jolly Green Giant's wife dropped a bombshell today when she announced that her husband is not the father of their child, Little Sprout.

"Little Sprout is not the off spring of my husband," said Mrs. Green, wiping away tears at a news conference she held in a strawberry field just outside the city limits of Fresno, California.

Mrs. Green went on to say that she first met the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in an online support group for frozen food, processed meats and can goods advertising icons.

"It started out innocently enough," said Mrs. Green as she explained how their affair began. "We'd login the chat room together and talk for hours and hours."

Mrs. Green admits that her affair with the Wienermobile was an obsessive one, drawing her away from her marriage until she got pregnant.

"Then everything changed," said Mrs. Green, with clarity in her voice. "The Wienermobile wouldn't answer my e-mails. He wouldn't even open them."

Feeling used, brokenhearted and three months pregnant, Mr. Green thought of an abortion, but the agricultural inspector would not allow it. Alone and desperate, she turned to her husband and confessed the whole affair and her sensitive condition.

Like some couples, the Green's decided to stay together in their loveless marriage for the sake of their child. However, it seems that relation suffered as well.

Knowing that Little Sprout was not his son, the so-call father and son relationship never really grew; leaving Mrs. Green wanting to believe that was the reason for her son's stunned growth, rather than face the truth that the child was not a product of her marriage to the Jolly Green Giant.

With their relationship strained, father and son grew farther and farther apart. Though in the eyes of the public where the two appeared in commercials, everything seemed fine.

"It was like leaving in to households," said Mrs. Green, crying. "It's all my fault."

Shunned by his father and not being able to ever measure up to the family's reputation, Little Sprout broke out on his own.

"He began by hanging around vacant lots with local ('loco') weeds in the 'seedy' side of town," said Spud, a neighborhood kid who later moved to Idaho. "Soon he developed a bad reputation with the Department of Agriculture. They wouldn't let up on him. I think they knew he really wasn't the son of the Jolly Green Giant. Hell, I think everybody knew that just by looking at him. He was just too short to be his father's son."

Now serving hard time in an agriculture quarantine facility in the San Joaquin Valley, Little Sprout now carries a different brand name, going by his adopted quarantine facility yard name, Bird's Eye.

"The reason I'm telling you all this now is because Little Sprout is the heir apparent to the Oscar Mayer estate," said Mrs. Green braking down. "Little Sprout never got to know his real father. At least he should get what is coming to him now."

No official word has come from the Oscar Mayer estate, only word from Department of Agriculture that they have placed Little Sprout in solitary confinement for his protection.

"No!" cried out Mrs. Green upon hearing the news from the Department of Agriculture. "Without the sun, he'll die!"

Meanwhile, reporters witnessed a not so jolly, Jolly Green Giant leaving the couple's upper scale Fresno residence carrying a suitcase and yelling out to reporters: "Leave me alone! I have no comment!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Oscar Mayer




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