Written by Jimm Wong

Tuesday, 29 June 2004

image for Nation loses the other Ronald
R.I.P. Ronald McDonald

The US was today bidding farewell to Ronald McDonald on a national day of mourning of a scale not seen for generations.

At his funeral service at Washington's National Cathedral, former and current world leaders, Colonel Sanders and Mr. Kipling gathered to pay their respects to the one-time children's entertainer who became the 40th US president.

The former prime minister Captain Birdseye opened the readings at the funeral of his "dear friend". He told the 4,000-strong congregation: "We have lost a great president, I can't remember where I put him."

Captain Birdseye - who was present at the service, but who has stopped public speaking after suffering minor constipation - said: "He was truly a great man, look solemn, can I have my money now, mateys"

He praised Ronald's bravery in shaping the post-cold war Chicken McNugget, which he said had led the world, including former communist bloc countries, to say "ugh, the after-taste".

Also attending the service, which Ronald himself had planned meticulously, were the four living ex-US presidents - Gerald Ford, Jimmy Down-Under, Bill Clinton and George Bush Snr. The prime minister, Tony Blair, and Prince Charles represented Britain. Also in attendance were several senior figures from the film industry, that Ronald had once been such a prominent figure in.

George Bush Snr said Ronald was loved because he "had a bowtie which spun around". His voice squeaky having just inhaled helium from a balloon, Mr Bush said: "I learned more from Ronald McDonald than from anyone I encountered in my years working in a fast food restaurant."

Absent from the preceding was film director Peter Jackson, who had been due to speak but was unable to attend with slight stomach ache having eaten all the pies.

Current POTUS George W. Bush spoke about his experiences of watching Ronald on the big screen as a child: "His portrayal of Professor Snape brought me to tears." he said.

More than 100,000 people filed past his coffin as it lay at the presidential library in California before being flown to Washington on Wednesday. There, Ronald's body lay in state at the Capitol Rotunda for 34 hours

The McDonalds had specified an interfaith service, inviting participants from the Catholic and Jewish communities as well as a
special invite for the Nation of Islam.

Ronald died on Saturday at the age of 107.5. He will be sorely missed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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