Tuesday, 18 September 2007

For three years the American left has worked to equate sleep deprivation and water boarding with being drawn and quartered or stretched on the rack. It has been a sort of "immoral equivalence" which served to aid the enemies of the United States by rendering improper all but the most benign and frankly useless methods of interrogation.

But thanks to the ingenuity of a U.S. Marines Corps colonel and his staff, intelligence is flowing from captured terror leaders like never before.

Colonel W.E. Flockem, currently stationed at GITMO, is credited with the success of this unique method of questioning terrorist prisoners. Although security concerns made it impossible to interview Col. Flockem, we were able to discover a few of the techniques which make the Flockem method such a winner.

"It's remarkably effective", said staff sergeant Harold Moore, one of the many marines on duty at GITMO. "I know it scares hell out of me just thinking about it", he went on.

Asked if he'd give us a brief demonstration, Moore agreed, but with the very strong caveat that it would not be easy on the feint of heart.

"I'll give you a a few examples--the mildest examples--but I won't be liable for any sudden vomiting or blacking out", he told us.

And then he began. And he was right. It was horrible. Our cameraman fainted dead away. The script girl threw up on someones prayer rug and vowed to never return to GITMO.

As for myself, my legs went so wobbly that I had to sit on the first thing I could find. It happened to be the left foot of the 110' tall monument of Mohammed promised to the detainees by Sen. John Kerry, (D. Mass)

Of the dozen or so examples given us by sergeant Moore I've selected the following 2 as the least threatening to the mental and physical well-being of the reader.

They will give you an idea of the horror contained in the rest!

Number 1: A picture of Rosie O'Donnell is handed to the prisoner while a translator tells him that she and her lesbian girl friend want to "make it" with a guy just once, to see what its like. They can be here in under 2 hours.

Sgt. Moore told us that the last two detainees confronted with this have been on suicide watch for three weeks.

Number 2: English speaking detainees are threatened with being tied to a chair, hands behind their back, all alone in a 10' by 10' room while someone plays a recording of every anecdote ever offered by Sen. Robert Byrd about his dog, Billy. This is the one that got our script girl.

The intelligence war goes on, dear readers. But thankfully we are back in the hunt, courtesy of some of the most vocal anti-war critics. Sometimes life IS fair.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: torture

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