Washington, DC- Reports from sources close to the White House have begun revealing defense plans drawn up by Secretary of Defense Robert Gates for the upcoming spring basketball league that include "all options available to the Department of Defense." These plans are rumored to include one-on-one defenses, zone defenses, various trap defenses and presses, and possibly even offense busting mini-nukes.
The need for possible drastic measures on the basketball court come amid calls within Gates' own team, the D-Stroyers, for Gates to improve his defense. Gates has been plagued by bad knees and arthritic ankles since his early thirties. His lack of mobility on the court have resulted in easy lay-ups and the occasional alley-oop during pre-season practices.
According to one unidentified teammate, "With our budget, we should be able to find a better way to defend the hoop. We're sick of being burned with give and go's and backdoor cuts." Gates is said to have earned the nickname "Open Gates" for his porous defense.
A White House Spokesperson told reporters on Monday that there are no current plans to use nukes on the court, but that there are contingency plans if the team begins losing early in the season.
The rumored plans have been decried by human rights activists, including actor/director George Clooney, an avid basketball player.