HARTFORD – Over stiff opposition from the state Republican Party, Connecticut governor Ned Lamont today signed a bill banning the practice of Butler Fights. This is a practice in which the butler of one gentleman is put in a pit with the butler of another gentleman with whom there is a disagreement. What follows is a fight to the death. The honor of the winning butler is upheld, and disgrace follows the gentleman whose butler was defeated.
“These barbaric events must and will end now,“ stated Lamont. “We must move forward to a more advanced time when the good gentlemen of our state settle their differences with pistols, swords or boards with a rusty nail sticking out.”
In an outraged response, GOP state senator Lewis Tweed III blasted the new law. “I have spent decades training the finest staff of warrior-butlers known across Connecticut. This is ridiculous! What’s next? Will I have to feed myself as well?”
