Why No Naked Pictures of Nixon?!

Written by Pointer

Thursday, 8 February 2007

image for Why No Naked Pictures of Nixon?!
What was tricky Dick covering up?

Few people knew that Napoleon had a stubborn patch of psoriasis amid his chest hair that he could not stop itching. Even fewer folks were aware that Richard Milhouse Nixon's entire body was covered with tatoos.

Body artist Sally "Blueink" Needler was the first to leak the secret to this reporter. I received some mysterious e-mails that alluded to a famous politician's fondness for skin pics. A meeting place was arranged in the bowels of a parking garage in DC. That's where I first met Sally.

"Blueink" as Sally prefers to be called, appeared in a spy's trenchcoat and flip-flops. She disguised her voice with steady doses of helium and sounded like the Mayor of Munchkin Land.

She should me the one and only picture of Nixon without his right hand over his left wrist. The tiny photo showed nothing of significance until she pulled a magnifying glass from beneath her bulky coat. Upon closer examination, there it was a brilliant blue tatoo of Pat Nixon, naked as the day she was born. "That's nuthin'," Blueink squeaked in her Lollipop League Vibrating Falsetto.

In our next meeting at the Watergate Hotel, Sally showed me it all! After that we both had a smoke and she pulled out the pictures, sure enough the President's entire body was covered with her handiwork. The Sistine Chapel ceiling across his back, Durer's Gory Crucifixion on his chest, reproductions of the world's greatest art from head to toe.

Needler just let it all sink in for awhile, then she added: "You know that's the real reason for his resignation. There was no Deepthroat or burglary, just these pictures and a lost auction..."

I asked her what she meant after another romp in the hay (the Watergate is proud of their authentic hay matresses) and she explained: "The Democrat Party came up with plenty of dough and it was Nixon the Illustrated Man all over Playboy or a resignation and that's why you never see naked pictures of Nixon..."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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