Written by D. L. Hawkinson

Thursday, 7 December 2017

image for Trump Beheads Bears Ears, plans partial decapitation of Mount Rushmore
Renovation Imminent: Expect to see Trump's Gigantic Head, even bigger than his normal (?) head

Somewhere in Utah. After chopping off the head of Bears Ears National Monument, Utah, Trump is now honing his Trump© axe, according to several unnamed high-ranking sources, to hack away at just about all of this country's national parks.

"It's a high priority," said Trump. "The parks have been a burden to this country for thousands of years. Other presidents have failed to do anything about it. I WILL NOT fail, believe me."

During a signing ceremony, Trump used a feather quill stolen from the Navajo Code Talkers (see related story) to send his own secret message to his base.

"It was that Kenyan Obama who signed Bears Ears into law," Trump later sputtered, chewing on McDonalds fries, "so I consider it my Conservative Evangelical Christian duty to unsign it! HAH!"

His decision so excited Senator Orrin Hatch, AKA, the "Walking Corpse of Utah," that Hatch cracked a tiny smile, which resulted in "a minor breach of effluence in his adult undergarment," according to Kermit, the Director of the Salt Lake City Branch of the Euphemism Society of Bodily Functions and self-taught expert of adult undergarment effectiveness.

On the negative side, Trump's decision will also agitate millions of indigenous peoples, everyday tourists, hikers, local bears who snack on hikers, and proprietors of thousands of roadside stands specializing in authentic beads, travel-size bottles of "spirit water," and cures for occasional bear bites.

The land preserved for Bears Ears National Monument will now be open for drilling, mining, strip clubs, and Trump© condos and golf courses, complete with "no fault" clauses should they go bankrupt within the near future. "My decision," Trump insisted, "is good for Utah, it's good for American workers, bringing in millions and millions of new jobs. It's going to be tremendous."

When asked whether he would personally benefit financially from the change of policy, Trump shook off the question. "I'm going to be a lot worse off. Just like the new tax reform bill. Believe me. I'm practically going broke from my own decisions."

Trump would not comment on a rumor that Russians will be financing the new projects.

Kellyanne Conway immediately came to his rescue: "Mr. Trump, our Lord and Savior, has never borrowed a nickel in his life, he's never had a business that didn't generate billions of dollars and millions of jobs, and he's never even met Putin. You reporters are a bunch of know-nothings, with your fake news. Why don't you just leave now? Buy a few Trump© hats on your way out. That's the least you can do."

Down the road, Phase One of Trump's next plan is to decapitate President Cleveland from Mount Rushmore. "I never liked Cleveland," he said. "The city or the president. On the other hand, Ohio is a great state. It helped me win a historic landslide against Hillary Clinton. Ohio's been good to me. I love Ohio--and all its cities. I've been to them all. I really like Cleveland."

In the granite void, Trump hopes, in all modesty, to have his likeness replace Cleveland's--who somebody pointed out was actually President Roosevelt. Trump immediately denied that he ever said the word Cleveland--and accused reporters of using his own words in a mean-spirited attempt to make him look stupid.

Phase Two of the Mount Rushmore update will include a McDonalds above the countenance of President Washington. The golden arches, according to Trump, "will make Washington appear to be perpetually surprised. I think that's a good thing. It's going to be terrific. Draw millions of tourists. Thousands of jobs. Maybe millions. It's just the start of my plan to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! It's going to be tremendous, believe me. Just tremendous."

In an unfortunate blemish in an otherwise highly successful trip to Utah, a reporter overheard Trump comment, "What's with this state? It smells funny. Reminds me of the backed up toilet in Trump© Tower."

Again, Kellyanne Conway immediately went into damage control, saying that what the president really meant to say was that Hillary Clinton is so corrupt she should cover her face with Bears Ears. "She should be locked up," Conway added. "Just like Flynn said, 'Lock her up, lock her up!' Not that I know who Flynn is. I never met the man. I think he used to work for the Obama Kenya Administration."

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Editor's Note: LeRoy Ephers is still on strike against The Spoof (see related story), but admits he'll make an exception for this story--on the grounds that if Trump destroys all the national parks he will have no place to park his van and drink beer. If that happens, his future could become problematic.

Anyone who wants to support Ephers, at least until these park issues are ironed out, is welcome to leave a case of beer at his camper's doorstep. "But don't knock," Ephers insisted. "I'm either drunk or hung over, and I won't be very agreeable. Oh, and don't buy the cheap stuff. If you're going to be helpful, don't cut any corners."

Second Editor's Note: Ephers almost pulled his hair out having to use the expression "Bears Ears" without an apostrophe. He omits the apostrophe under protest and will start a petition to correct this egregious error in the English language. (For a guy who lives in a van, he has an annoying pedantic streak.)

Third Editor's Note: As a result of referring to the Navajo Code Talkers twice in this story, LeRoy Ephers has been nominated as Writer of the Year for The Spoof. The NCT have elevated themselves to a higher plain from their reading of Mr. Epher's highly transcendental, mystical, and yet conventionally orthodox spiritualism, topical timeliness and timelessness, and generally good humor, to boot. Local editors have also nominated this story as a distinguished landmark piece of American journalism, citing its use of three editor's notes as the driving force behind their decision.

Rumors are swirling that The Spoof will reward this honor with a sizable donation to Epher's favorite brewery(s), although Mr. Ephers prefers a check--no, make that cash, mostly in fifties--delivered directly to him. He has trust issues where The Spoof is concerned. Can anyone blame him?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: National Parks




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