AARP Denies Bilking Seniors, But Plans to Fleece Young Workers

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

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The American Association of Retired People (AARP), the politically potent lobbying organization that contributes millions each year to political campaigns of octogenarian senators and congressman, has denied that its opposition to changes in Medicare and Social Security has anything to do with potential losses to its revenues, estimated this year at $1.5 billion.

"There is no conflict of interest," David Certner, the group's legislative policy director said in an interview with the Spoof's lead health care journalist. "We are motivated by nothing more than a heartfelt desire to ensure that every American can age with dignity."

Certner admitted that AARP "advertises and sells every kind of product imaginable - from health care and travel to Viagra -- and gets a cut of everything we sell. But our name means that seniors can trust these products, and that's worth the skim we take off the top."

Certner denied that AARP was 'a Walmart for seniors,' intent on draining their bank accounts and enriching its staff and executives.

But in a surprising announcement, Cerner confirmed a rumor that AAPR was exploring a possible spin-off of its potent brand, with a planned venture to be called the American Association of Working People (AAWP).

"Given the rapid growth of the elderly who take from the system and the equally rapid decline of the young workers who contribute, we plan to offer incentives and products that encourage workers and prospective workers to procreate and make new workers whose wages will support the elderly.

"The project is still in the planning stages, and we are still testing some of the products and ad campaigns, but you can expect to see a lot of Viagra ads, Justin Bieber music, soft porn, and a huge offering of alcoholic beverages and even pot, where that becomes legal."

Asked why he thought younger working people with their limited resources would pay to join the new organization, the white-haired, balding Certner replied that in addition to appealing to young people through slick ads and cool web sites, AAWP would employ subliminal messages encouraging young workers and students to vote Democratic and not worry so much about the future, which they are powerless to control.

"Yes, this is a little sly," Certner admitted in response to a question about deceptive business practices, as he downed a second martini, "but it is perfectly legal. We do the same thing every election cycle, firing up all the geezers and getting their diapered asses to the polls. Besides, who else is going to pay for my vacation home and my boat?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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