Katie Holmes reveals to NBC why she left Tom: Cruise didn't think Strug's vault in the '96 Olympics was all that special

Funny story written by The Goods

Wednesday, 25 July 2012


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Some people speculated that he was gay. Others assumed that the creepy Scientologists who were following Katie's every move finally got to her. But last night, Katie Holmes told Bob Costas that the real reason she was leaving Tom was because he "didn't have a soul".

In the lackluster interview, which aired on NBC Sports 3, the 33-year-old shell of a human revealed that she left Tom Cruise because he didn't think that Keri Strug's vault in the 1996 Olympics was all that impressive.

She monotonously told Costas, "We were talking about the upcoming Olympics over the phone and Tom was telling me about how he could have been an Olympian in any sport, but he chose not to. I of course, told him what I am programmed to tell him, 'Yes, you are a remarkable person, Tom, and perfect in every way.' Then when he gave me my agreed upon 30 seconds to talk, I noted that I was excited for the girls' gymnastics team because it reminded me of a time in my life when I actually felt connected to society."

Costas, who was checking his iPhone for Penn State penalty updates, never looked up and asked, "What happened next?" The malnourished mother then blandly stated, "Tom told me that he didn't think that Strug's vault was a big deal and that he could have done it with two sprained ankles. And something inside of me snapped. I didn't mind being controlled, followed, locked in a cage, and fed nothing but lettuce and quinoa; but this was too much. Is he dead inside? I mean, it was Keri Strug's vault."

Costas set down his iPhone and began to speak as soft instrumental music played in the background. "Grown men wept. People stood up and cheered. Keri Strug epitomized what it meant to be an athlete; she was an American symbol of triumph over adversity. What will this year's Summer Games have in store for us? We will have to see. Olympic coverage begins Friday."

Katie, who seemed happy that someone may have been listening to her, finished by telling the anchor, "You're right. If you weren't moved by Keri Strug, you don't have a soul. After Tom told me that it wasn't impressive, I hung up the phone, walked out of my cage, and went to my lawyer's office to file for divorce."

Costas, who was still wondering why she was there and not Joe Paterno's ghost, replied, "Thank you, Katie. That was a touching story. The Olympics begin this Friday night on NBC. Check your local listings for dates and times or head over to our website at NBC.com."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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