London - (Rioters): A guillotine-shaped crop circle is playing havoc with Buckingham Palace squatters - er...royals! - after appearing on the lawn outside the Queen's panic room.
Courtiers fear that extraterrestrials are taking the piss and sending a badly encrypted Bastille Day message for royal impostor Queen Elizabeth and all her House of Ratzinger relations.
The lawn etching materialised on Sunday just as the band of the Death Watch Beetle regiment began practising La Marseillaise ahead of Tuesday's national French holiday.
Palace plans to commemorate Bastille Day include posting explicit 2009 Windsor Castle CCTV footage showing Carla Bruni Sarkozy shagging Simon Cowell in the Herman Goering Suite's septic tank.
"That's where Princess Diana won her waterwings," Palace Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon commented today.
"We're still paying off her breaststroke instructor's psychiatric bills."