Windsor Castle - (Ass mess): Queen Elizabeth has cancelled all engagements after betting the entire 2007 Civil List handout on the Epsom Derby by backing 16/1 shot Strategic Prince on the Blue Riband showpiece today.
The wager was prompted after a string of heavy ante-post losses on Royal Stables Derby no-hopers including colts Alladin's Cave, Osama's Ransom, Blue-Eyed Blair and Oaks-entered fillies like My Gal Kate.
Her Maj has returned to the residential wing of Windsor Castle which she has been effectively squatting for some forty years in a gesture of defiance against the international politicians who deposed her as a fraud in 1963.
"We are monitoring the situation carefully," a Palace spokesman said this evening.
"She has thrown a wobbly on a number of previous similar occasions, so we've removed the royal homeopathic aresenic, mandrake and rat poison from the bathroom cabinte, just to make sure."
Camilla, 59, is raving bonkers.