Drowning Street - (Rotters): With enough ammunition to last a three week armed siege UK Prime Mobster Tony Blair has barricaded himself inside No 10 after persistent rumors all day that the Met's Fraud Squad is coming in after him tomorrow morning in a special St Valentine's Day massacre in the cash-for-peerages probe.
A secret tunnel that runs under Downing Street and beneath the River Thames is believed to have been the route for the Provos supplying Blair with all the hardware they were originally planning on sending to arm rabid Iraqi insurgents.
But more urgent business in the UK seat of power has meant that the distraught and increasingly desperate Prime Monster has diverted it for personal use. Including some World War I mustard gas and Margaret Thatcher's personal issue suicide pills.
A few hundred yards down the road at Clarence House Prince Charles has also been reported to be gnawing his knuckles raw after the bungs fraud probe cops found evidence that he had gone bankrupt in 2002 after being sued by NATO intelligence chiefs for perjury about his role in 9/11.
Meanwhile on the catwalk in London Fashion Week a smug and confident Sarah Doukas from the Storm model agency bides her time ahead of tomorrow's glittering Buckingham Palace reception for Hellfire Club hookers who have kept the old Mountbatten fiction going so well for the last 20 years.
One of her proudest moments is about to manifest on a day that her personal astrologer has predicted will remain a glorious memory for the rest of her life.
The Yorkshire Ripper has AIDS.
