Stephen Hawking: We're becoming a joke!
"Who would have thought that it would all come down to a cow fart?"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
White House looks to regulate cow flatulence as part of climate agenda.
Cows only allowed to fart four times a day or they're hamburger.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
'Uncontacted' Amazon tribesmen startled by first airplane encounter.
How many times do you think we'll believe this old chestnut. Beginning to rival Bigfoot and Nessie!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
China plans to cover world with surveillance satellites
You'll be able to wave at people you have been chatting with on Facebook!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
On eve of deadline, health law remains work in progress.
May have to be voted on again if it's a different make-up!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Michelle Gives Up
Having tried her hardest to get schoolkids to eat right but that they toss the good food and eat snacks has her down. "Take the money for the fresh apples and spend it on making wider seats!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Many tourists laugh at locals in Quebec City, Canada walking in middle of the street
That is, until a rooftop snow-cover comes sliding down upon them!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Gerald Ford once worked as a cover model for Cosmopolitan magazine.
Many stores complained that the maf=gazine kept falling off their shelves!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Hidalgo elected first female mayor of Paris.
Her first act? To make it legal for women to pinch young men on their rear.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Almost 20% of the billions of dollars American taxpayers are spending to rebuild Iraq are lost to theft, kickbacks and c
White House: That's probably the best percentage we've had for years. Maybe people aren't so greedy these days.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1148
Snoops: 95% of all art dealers are Gay!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1147
Snoops: Although he was called the "Little General", Napoleon, he was actually 5-foot six inches tall. The nickname came from another one of his features.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1146
Snoops: Modern furniture stores admit that the Love Seat was never intended for lovemaking but it sounded sexy and you could get the price of a couch for a little more than half the material.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1145
Snoops: If you played an Edison record cylinder upside down, you could hear a nasty-talking woman.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1144
Snoops: Insisting that American students each have an apple a day in their school lunches, Michelle Obama unwittingly unleashed over 3,000 Apple Fights!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1143
Snoops: It wasn't the Earl of Sandwich that invented the sandwich but the Taco of Tijuana. The Earl just super-sized it!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1142
Snoops: Cannibals are allergic to Vegetarians!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Arsene Wenger to replace Moyes!
Man United have decided to replace David Moyes with Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, because the want continuity within the club; replacing a loser with even a bigger loser!
written by unknown
Liverpool promise to release slaves if they are champions!
Liverpool have promised to release all slaves waiting for departure in slave ships if they become champions this year as a sign of goodwill hoping to make all their wrongs right!
written by unknown
Bayern Munich have offered United a 'white flag'!
Before Bayern Munich travel to Manchester on Tuesday they have sent a white flag to United's David Moyes hoping he will surrender before the slaughter begins. Moyes replied, "bitte sehr!"
written by unknown
Obama visited Holland for a quickie!
Barack Obama visited Holland for a quickie and ended up rolling in a 'joint'. The Dutch appreciated his compliments for their lovely country and the King "jointed" in too!
written by unknown
Mourinho give up on title!
The Special One, José Mourinho has given up on the title and punched a ball boy in the face to express his disappointment!
written by unknown
Moyes shoots down plane over Old Trafford!
A group of Man U fans paid 840 quid for a fly over protest at Old Trafford, David Moyes paid 8400 quid for a Spitfire to shoot the thing down just like his tactics, they belong to WW2!
written by unknown
Egyptians Protest Against Ongoing Protests
Other group scheduled this week. "I hate them but I have to admit, I've forgotten which ones we are", confides one lady.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Hardee's has recently introduced the Monster Thickburger. It has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.
Plus you can't order one unless you show them your defibrillator!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
41% of Chinese people eat at least once a week at a fast food restaurant. 35% of Americans do.
Why not, since they have more of our money than we do.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Only 6% of the autographs in circulation from members of the Beatles are estimated to be real.
Many say that it was John who came up with the idea of signing each other's names.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Jimmy Carter once reported a UFO in Georgia.
Turned out to be his Cousin Porky who had been been skydiving off a mountain while lighting farts!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
55% of Americans claim they would continue working even if they received a $10,000,000 lottery prize.
No wonder we have elected the past 4-5 presidents. Schools are turning out turnips!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Some High School Kids Getting Rich
Since the snack and coke machines have been removed, the black market on these items are selling like pancakes.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.
Thanks to their Chinese makers.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
In 2015, it is estimated that half the federal budget will be spent on programs for the elderly.
Feds: Sure hope a new disease doesn't wipe out these old boomers as we love 'em! But you never know.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Billboard magazine has recently launched a top 20 chart of cell phone ringtones.
Number One: "One Is The Loneliest Number" by Three Dog Night.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
A ten year old mattress weighs double what it did when it was new, because of the debris which is absorbed throug
Mostly just old skin, pet hair, dandruff, dried spooge!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Excerpts From Sarah's Speeches #25
...Cortez was a leader of a group of trapdoors that murdered innocent native Americans. He had Small Box blankets he gave them that caused many to turn up their toes...."
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Excerpts From Sarah's Speeches #24
"...When Santa Clausa of Mexico asked the defenders of the Alamo to surrender, he was slapped across the face by a big American member..."
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Nigeria's President Criticizes Northeast Governors
"Probably never tricked an American out of their money in their life!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1141
Snoops: The guy who first invented gun powder is unknown as he blew himself to bits!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1140
The reason Manx cats are called manx cats is because they come from the Isle of Manx Cats!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1139
Snoops: Although they also carry shotguns, machine guns, dueling pistols and Colt 45's, they decided to call themselves The Nation Rifle Association.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1138
Snoops: Since the discovery of DNA, people have quit purchasing Sea Monkeys.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1137
Snoops: Ozzy Nelson also loved to bite the head off a bat.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1136
Snoops: It was Mary Todd Lincoln who first coined the phrase, "You the Man!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!
Recently discovered under desk of King Rootin Tootin!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
President Obama reflects on his first meeting with Pope Francis
Wasn't expected greeting of "How's it hanging?"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Egyptian workers were known to organize labor strikes.
Which lasted for days or until the last one striking was killed.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Cleopatra was not Egyptian.
According to latest findings, she was either born in Alexandria, Kenya or Hawaii.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Today in History #11
1988. The death of Pol Pot's brother Piss Pot dies in Vietnam.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Today in History #10
Bomb explodes outside U.S. Embassy in Saigon, leading to about a 10,000 bombs later.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Today in History #9
Violence disrupts first Kansas election, 1855, as both parties were giving away free whiskey!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Today in History #8
Allies capture Paris, 1814. Vowed never to do it again. "You're on your own from now on!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Today in History #7
Henry Wallace criticizes Truman's Cold War policies, 1948. "He argued that the earth was cooling rapidly.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
President Obama announces auto industry shakeup, 2009
And has shook up every other industry since.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
In original version of the TV game show "Jeopardy!," hosted by Art Fleming, premiered on NBC.
The amounts on the board were from $1 to $10 in each category!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
In 1923, the Cunard liner RMS Laconia became the first passenger ship to circle the globe as it arrived in New York.
With 50% of tourists dead from dysentery!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska
Laugh at that, Mr. Putin! $7.2 million! Who's the pretty one now?
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
In 1822, Florida became a United States territory.
Tourists from all states were lined up, ready for a vacation!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Today in History
On March 30, 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously wounded outside a Washington, D.C. hotel. Reagan quickly drew pistol and shot everyone but assailant.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Dora the Explorer Found
Apparently been exploring Washing and Colorado for past two months.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
SUIT: Man Arrested, Searched For Marijuana In Idaho Solely For Having CO License plate.
Warned: "You are no longer in Colorado!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Chaos over TB in pets
You can get many diseases from pets. That's a risk you take in owning one. Also, you can get many more from humans. Are we to stay away from them?
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Royal Report: Why Will and Kate's Australia Trip Has Echos of Diana
^That's not a spoof.^ That's an actual headline on Yahoo news.
I'll save you some time: she went to Australia too.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
North Korea Test-Fires Some Sorta Weapon Somewhere
A bunch of leaders from a bunch of countries condemn it.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Media Coverage Of Missing Malaysian Plain Abruptly Halts
Every single news anchor & pundit: "We will let you know when they find something."
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Attorney General Eric Holder Resists "Peer-Pressure"
COLORADO-- Secret Service agents looked the other way as President Obama motioned Holder toward the doors of a marijuana dispensary.
"Come on Eazy-E, one time," said Obama.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
GLAAD On The Defensive Over "Marriage Term"
Heterosexuals who use antiquated forms of English have come under fire from Gay Rights groups recently,for describing their wedding ceremonies & receptions as 'gay'
"It's an adjective," said a groom.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Campaign Rumors: Jan Schakowsky
MSNBC analyst Jan Schakowsky, an Illinois resident, is considering running for a seat in the House of Representatives.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Utah Senator Mike Lee Hopes To Be Unseated In 2016
"I'm really sick of these Washington politicians," said Lee. "Vote them out."
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Harry Reid Excuses Meeting For 15 Minutes
"He let everyone out to go 'watch paint dry' for a little while," said an unnamed AP reporter.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Reporters Ask McConnell How Senate Is "In Play" For GOP In 2014
"I really don't know," said Mitch. "Our policies must be very popular."
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
New "Fatwa" Calls For Satirist's Death
"I didn't know anybody looked at this site," said Angelo Thomas.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Sheldon Adelson Purchases Entire "Gaza Strip"
"...to make things easier," said the Casino Mogul and GOP Kingmaker.
"*Ahem*...Well...everyone has a price," said an unnamed Hamas Leader as he closed his holy book.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Obama's Most Recent Attempt To "Talk Down" Putin:
"Jeeeez.... Come Awwnnn.. Stop it Vlad.. You stop this right now!"
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
McCain & Graham Not On Speaking Terms
John McCain: What's wrong? Just tell me.
Lindsey Graham: ...Nothing,John. Nothing's wrong.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Women's College Basketball News
"Yu know what?Don't worry about it."--UCONN coach Geno Auriemma,after defeating BYU 70-51 in the Sweet16.If BYU had reached the Final 4,the Sunday game would'v had to be rescheduled for Mormon reasons
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Men's College Basketball News
Survey: 78% of NCAA coaches would like 1 more timeout per half. 10 team timeouts, up to 8 media timeouts, and multiple "under-2-minute reviews" for out-of-bounds plays(&fragrant fouls) are not enough.
written by Angelo Thomas, 30 March 2014
Saudi Chiropractor Rousted Out Due to High Profile Emergency
Riyaudh- Dr.Ibn Im Benden was kidnapped at 1AM by Secret Service agents and rushed to Air Force 1. Turns out Obama had bowed so many times to King Abdullah, the Pres needed a major spine realignment.
written by Trinculoman, 30 March 2014
Los Angeles Hit With 5.1 Magnitude Earth Quake and Numerous Aftershocks
LA- Geologists using ground radar and sonar technology have identified the cause of the 5.1 whopper and ensuing shakers. Apparently, the San Andreas Genie had ingested far too jalapeno-laced burritos.
written by Trinculoman, 30 March 2014
Leon Redbone To Redo Dylan LP
Leon Redbone will release his "Pretty" version of Dylan's Blonde on Blonde" later this year!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
St. Stephen is the patron saint of egg layers!
Sorry. That should have been: Bricklayers!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
The Australian $5 to $100 notes are made of plastic.
While $1,000 bills are made from Kangaroo skin!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
What is referred to as "French Kissing" in English is referred to as "English Kissing" in France
And as The Tongue Tickler in Polish!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Every year about 98% of the atoms in your body are replaced.
Wonder whose atoms you have right now? Kind of spooky.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Is Selena Gomez Too Tall for Justin Bieber?
Sure. He's a shrimp. Now back to why Los Angeles might have a major earthquake.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
New Site Grants Access to Anyone's Public Record
Unless you send in enough money for us to block it.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Utah boy discovers American Indian remains in backyard
"So that's what all that screaming and crying was about?"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Witnesses: Marine flashed security badge on Obama trip
Bragged about being professional bullet catcher.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Black Death skeletons unearthed by Crossrail project
Oh no! Let's not get that old thing going around once again!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Casino unions threaten Vegas strike.
Who's going to walk around in a short skirt to bring us drinks?
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
Geophysicist: Calm Before Storm.
Los Angeles citizens say they had just as soon shake a while longer and avoid the big one until it adjusts itself.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2014
