House Republicans won't rule out arresting Lois Lerner if Justice Department doesn't
"Holder should have been arrested months ago or at least thrown out of office."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Naked Cowboy Not Seen Recently
NYC Naked Cowboy hasn't been on the street in town since his "person" stuck to a parking meter while he was performing in December.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Another Ban By The Mayor
Mayer Bloomberg has now banned anyone from pissing on a person on the subway, except themselves.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Republicans Block the Paycheck Fairness Bill in the Senate
Just another political ploy", say Mitch McConnell. "They have seen the pay scale for many years now. It's based on number of years like any company in the USA."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Fisher Fishcakes CEO found dead of stroke
When I discovered him, he already was already dead as a mackerel", says friend.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Kerry 'betrayed and surprised' by McCain onslaught
Looks like Boehner not the only one crying today. This really makes our enemies afraid of us.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Town sewage plant employee fined for urinating in co-worker's coffee pot.
He couldn't even tell the difference. "I tried it and it was awful. Guess he has no taste as I have always said."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Kerry: Foreign Policy Not 'Spinning Out of Control'.
It passed that up a long time ago. It's spinning faster than ever.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Poor Suddenly Rich
Elmer Boot and wife & kids have won $200,000 in state lottery.
"I knew I'd hit it big one day. I started out as a Mob Corpse De-bloater in Jersey and now look at us."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
After recent incidents Secret Service Agents are Reassigned New Duties
Today some Secret Service Agents were transferred from the Special Ops Division guarding the President. They now toil in the "Full Monty" squad that provides 24/7 services to Director Julia Person.
written by Trinculoman, 09 April 2014
Lost Malaysian plane spotted heading towards Mars!
The lost Malaysian plane was last seen being towed by a Martian UFO towards Mars. Martians are fed up sitting in round UFO's and want more comfort, thank god they missed Ryan Air!
written by unknown
Today in History #10
"Chicago Eight", "Indianapolis 500", plead not guilty, 1969
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #9
Germany invades Norway, 1940. Also known as "Hitler's Fjord March!"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #8
1440 - Christopher of Bavaria, known to friends as "Long John with Cream" is appointed King of Denmark.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #7
1454 - Milan and Venice sign peace of Lodi. First public hearing of song, "Stuck in Old Lodi Again!" by Creedence Canelwater.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #6
1241 - Battle of Liegnitz - Mongol armies defeat Poles & Germans and then ate them.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #5
475 - Byzantine Emperor Basiliscus issues a circular letter (Enkyklikon) to the bishops of his empire, supporting the Monophysite christological position. "Bout time!" stated someone in audience.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #4
Architect Frank Lloyd Wright, 91, died in Phoenix, Ariz. He was buried in the most elaborate coffin anyone had ever seen.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #3
In 1913, the first game was played at Ebbets Field, the newly built home of the Brooklyn Dodgers, who lost to the Philadelphia Phillies, 1-0. Dem Bums!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History #2
In 1865, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Va. Both sides celebrated. The Union for winning, the Confederacy for food!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Today in History
In 1682, French explorer Robert de La Salle claimed the Mississippi River Basin for China, after getting hit a glancing blow by a tomahawk.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
French ministers ordered to hand in cellphones at cabinet meetings.
After being bumped into, three found wired for sound.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Tennessee Wants to Ban UN From Monitoring Its Elections...
"We haven't monitored elections but if we did, it sure looks close."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
According to Snoops: #1222
Snoops: There is actually a rain forest in Alaska although it's usually snow. Some people call it a Snow Forest. Locals call it A Bunch of White Trees".
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
According to Snoops: #1221
Snoops: A gorilla named Koko learned sign language. Yet, if they took him anywhere, he always signed his name with an "X".
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
According to Snoops: #1220
Snoops: The Wild Lemur Monkeys live only on Wild Lemur Monkey Island!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
According to Snoops: #1219
Snoops: The odd shape on the hoof of a horse is called a frog. Or, more correctly, a dead frog.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
According to Snoops: #1218
Snoops: Loose Mares are avoided by most males. They are afraid they will get "Mare-de mer".
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
According to Snoops: #1217
Snoops: According to Abominable Snowman, the Bigfoot and Yeti are all dead. "We killed them all. We're Abominable!"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Kim Jong-Un 're-elected' as North Korean leader
The final totals counted, 10,000,000 to 0.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Human body parts grown in a lab
Overseer says that their goal is to "put together a complete body. Heheheee!"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Woman found guilty in 1996 killing of ex-husband
If he was dead, of course he was her ex-husband! Duh.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Woman arrested in topless rampage at MCDONALD'S.
Her older sister arrested at Chippendales for screaming, "Where's The Beef?"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
UPDATE: Married congressman busted smooching staffer asks FBI to investigate video leak.
Congressman learns it's one of his own spies!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
FBI: Man plotted to use drone to fly bomb into school.
Group blame it on too many guns out there!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
More Moms Staying Home, Reversing Decadeslong Decline..
More husbands staying at home also. It's called: Unemployment!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
MYSTERY: NASA Captures Strange Bright Light on Mars.
Best Guess: Poor old E.T. still trying to get back home!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
NBC asks viewers for better sitcom ideas.
No viewers are left to respond. Sorry!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
USA To Cut Nuke Missile Force.
They are not needed as whole world at peace!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Kerry Blames Israel For Derailing Peace Talks.
Joins leaders in history from Pharaoh to Hitler!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Russia issues warning as Ukraine cracks down on protesters.
If this keeps up, we must move it. Ukraine say many protesters are Russian.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
SUIT: Nursing home routinely hired strippers for elderly residents.
Seven old guy's families sue for heart attacks!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Woman arrested in topless rampage at MCDONALD'S.
"Look at me, I'm Miley C! Look at me, I'm Miley C!"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
White House Demands penalties be paid for No Insurance
"If we have to, we will come over there under that bridge and take your sleeping bags!"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Latest surprise: Most won't be able to buy insurance until end of year.
Lets hope there is an epidemic here before then.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Boehner Cries at TACO BELL Event.
"We were all crying with a whole room full of farts!"
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Medicare doctor earned $21 million from taxpayers in one year.
Patients say they were herded through clinic like cattle!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
FLASH: 'Multiple stabbings' reported at PA high school.
More outcries for gun control!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Coughs and sneezes travel further than previously thought.#2
If stuck on elevator, hit stop next floor, cover face and make a dash when door opens.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Coughs and sneezes travel further than previously thought.
As soon as you hear sneeze or cough, flee the building.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Search on for climate-friendly cow.#2
Also warn: Do not feed horses burritos!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Search on for climate-friendly cow.
Cow farts and burps speeding up Global Warming.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Scientist: Planet doomed; Retreat to 'climate-controlled cities'.
Others warn: He's trying to trick you out of your survival hideaway!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Veterans get naked to treat PTSD.
Also, to lower prices for Viagra, Levitra and Cialis for some private injuries.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
LAPD Cop Sues City, Claims Discrimination Over Wiccan Religion.
Satanists, Trekkies keeping an eye on the proceedings.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
UK investigating spy and police agencies' use of private data.
Just as soon as we get through reading it thoroughly!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
STUDY: Untaxed corporate profits held overseas top $2.1 trillion.
Or enough to last Washington two months!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Holder claims 'vast amount' of discretion in enforcing laws.
Washington seems to be making them up as they go.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
DOG CLONED FOR $100,000.
Special next week: Dog, Cat, Ferrets only $75,000 a clone!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Sun. Earth, and Mars in Cosmic Alignment
New Age Druids will be out in force, scoping Mars through their dilated pupils. Their Martian counterparts will be staring back through their myriad eyeballs. Let the StareFest Begin!
written by Trinculoman, 09 April 2014
Bloomberg Issued More Bans
Orders older people not to chew their cabbage twice. Farting only permitted in bathrooms.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Russian Defector Telling Plenty
Putin himself takes last meal to person to be executed. It's full of ricin.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Too Much Time Outdoors
National Health Service has issued a warning that Americans are staying outdoors too much. "You'll breath poisoned air, pollen, get sunstroke, sunburn leading to skin cancer. Stay Indoors!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
La Niña, El Niño's Successor, On The Horizon
Weathermen say that El Kabong could be as rough as the others but with lightning speed!
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Last Veteran of War Dies
John Upperten, the last of the 12 men who were at the center of the Cola Wars of the 1980's has died. Coroner says it was from too much high fructose corn syrup stuck in stomach, intestines and colon.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Playboy Off to Bad Start
Playboy AARP is off to a bad start as no one seems interested and several young people have became sick after accidentally getting wrong copy & checking centerfold.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Kerry: It Didn't Work
John Kerry stated that placing tranquilizers secretly into everyone's drinks at Middle East Peace Talks didn't help. "I think they just go on automatic or something."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Target Hackers Apologize
We are returning all those PIN numbers. We shouldn't have hacked them and bankrupted their lives but we figured Washington had already done that. Sorry.
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
Why Boehner Cries
Speaker of the House, John Boehner explained today why he cries so much. "I can't help it. This whole Washington Crew is such a joke, I can't haaaah help myself."
written by Bureau, 09 April 2014
