Famous TV Scenes
"Oh Ricky, I'm having another baby!" That's a-not in the script! "Neither was the scene when it was conceived!"
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Famous TV Scenes
"Well Matthew, that bullet has to hurt." It'll come out, Festus. "Well, don't let them Indians do any acupuncture on you, it's rough. They'll stab you in the back."
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Famous TV Scenes
Festus: I make you a lot better deputy than that clown, Jester! "It was Chester". Who was Doc then, Dopey?
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Apple still working on it
Should have a wooden computer out by 2016!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Sign on Back of Amish Buggy
"Pardon us for the horse farts. Believe us, it's no picnic up here either!"
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
New Oz Movie in the Works
Arnold Schwarzenegger to do c0-star in 'Toto Recall'.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1286
Snoops: Some Monks in Maine have chosen to have themselves buried in banana boxes to save costs.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1285
Snoops: History keeps repeating itself like so many things in life. What makes history interesting is the past, you look behind you and you see the anals of the great ones.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1284
Snoops: In the 15th century, grenades were made out of pouring gunpowder into a small pot and lighting it. Unfortunately they sometimes exploded immediately.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1283
Snoops: The bazooka weapon was actually named for a bubble gum that had a cartoon in it.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1282
Snoops: Yellowstone Park was the world's first National Park and could well be the last if the Volcano blows there!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Putin's Pre-Obama Call Snack Consumption Routine
Putin eats a gamey Caucausus Fox burger laced with chopped garlic, Siberian onions, and raw horseradish before any US Hotline call, so he's ready to belch a response to every statement from Obama.
written by Trinculoman, 15 April 2014
Latest Regulatory Decree from Health & Human Services (HHS) Mandates Daily Treading
WashDC-HHS Dept. decreed today it is mandatory that every US citizen--regardless of age--must walk, run, or skip 10,000 steps per day. The newly created Pedostapo Police Force will enforce compliance.
written by Trinculoman, 15 April 2014
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #68
Happy is as happy does. Well, Happy headed for the Happy House. There he should be very happy!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #67
Butterflies come to pretty flowers. That wasn't one of mine. I bet he was a Pansey. Ha! You hear that Queen Totsy? The pretty flower is a Pansey!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #66
After dinner rest a while; after supper walk a mile. Attend the toilet and leave a pile. That's the way of good health.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #65
Don't let the critics get you down. They don't dare criticize me. Ever hear one, Totsy? (No, you had them all beheaded. That's why we hear those chains dragging upstairs at night). Music to my ears!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Wisdom From King Rootin Tootin #64
A Constant dripping will wear away a stone. (You hanged the plumber, remember?). I can hang the Queen too.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Mel Gibson Told Director Has Made Another Cut!
"I hope he's a eunuch. He's messing the whole thing up!"
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Drones Being Recalled
Those we sold to other countries. At least they can't say we tried to get them all back. Problem? Explode when launched.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Study: Americans Unhealthiest Among 16 Developed Countries
Americans have developed too much, according to stats.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
President Tries To Pass Another Anti-Gun Law
What 18-year-old need a flamethrower?" Answer, new fireman out trying to create a backfire to control wood burnings. "We were waiting for that one, Mr. President", jokes Rand Paul.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Treasurer Warns American Citizens!
"There are fake $20,000 dollar bills going around. "Al ways remember this: We do not print $20,000 Dollar Bills and you will be safe."
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1281
Snoops: Our tallest President? Abraham Lincoln in high heels, for a charity event!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1280
Snoops: The seventh leading cause of death in the United States is The Heebie Jeebies!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Rancher: 'Founding Fathers Didn't Create Government Like This'...
The states do fine on their own until Washington taxes us to death. what do they accomplish? Nothing!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Ron Paul Warns Feds Could Launch Waco-Style Assault.
We don't need a civil war of states against Washington over a herd of cattle!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1279
Snoops: The late Clara "Where's The Beef?" Pellers husband said that she said the same thing to him on their wedding night!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1278
Snoops: The Men At Work singing group have finally admitted that they stole their song, "Macho, Macho Man" from Tiny Tim.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1277
Snoops: Very few silent actors were funny. Oh, they dressed funny. But it was the writers who showed what they were saying that made them seem funny. All they did was move around & move their mouths.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1276
Snoops: The reason Riker on Star Trek Next Generation was called #1 was because he was the guy in charge of the piss recycled back to water machine.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1275
Snoops: Crazy Guggenheim of the Jackie Gleason Show was arrested 3 times for being drunk & sent to rehab before he could convince them that he was Frank Fontaine, who played a drunk & was practicing.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1274
One out of four Good Humor men get so fat they can't get on their truck.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1273
Snoops: Human fingernails grow four times faster than toenails. (Most of these facts have been coming from prisons whose people have nothing else to do.)
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1272
Snoops: Mickey Mouse's middle name is Moleturd!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
True Facts From Snoops #1271
Snoops: Lady GaGa and Paris Hilton both graduated from the Convent of the Sacred Heart. No wonder they suddenly let themselves go! It was all pent up inside!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Does Extended Exposure to WiFi Cause Brain Cancer?
No. We here at the paper are pretty sure it doesn't. We all use WiFi everyday - some of us for non-work purposes, yes Jerry, I'm talking to you. And none of us has brain cancer.
written by Catchthisdrift, 15 April 2014
Siri Admitted to Hospital
Siri was admitted to hospital last night and is today in critical condition. A man told it to just shutup, with Siri then asking 'U Wot M8'? The man lost his temper and then beat Siri almost to death.
written by Matt Brown, 15 April 2014
Bloomberg Bans Cigarette smoking in NYC #2
Kentucky, North Carolina and Virginia plan new version of "Thunder Road", calling it "Tobacco Road".
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Bloomberg Bans Cigarette smoking in NYC
Smokers plan Chew and Spit on Sidewalk Days every week.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Robot Massacre
Hundreds of robots that replaced workers at factories found with their Programs hacked to death, parts missing and switched.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Reid Planning Another Raid on Ranch
Ranch owner, workers plan to place kitties, doggies and rare animals among stock. PETA will also be called in.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Baseball Rules Change Not Working
While reviewing controversial plays, games now average 7 hours each. Snowballs hurled on the field in Minnesota messing with players trying to catch ball.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Lost Luggage For Sale!
100 Trucks and three trains headed for the "Mall of America".
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Chelsea Clinton Thinking About Running For Office #2
Sarah Palin: Her? Running for office? Why that's the silliest thing I ever heard. She's not even pretty.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Chelsea Clinton Thinking About Running For Office
"I thought about it right after I came up with a place to go eat this evening."
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #18
1817 - 1ST AMERICAN SCHOOL FOR THE DEAF OPENS IN HARTFORD!!!!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #17
1802 - William Wordsworth and his sister, Dorothy see a "long belt" of daffodils, inspiring the former to pen "I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud", a chart topper for two years!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #16
1738 - Bottle opener invented. Over a hundred million bottles of beer opened and chug-a-lugged!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #15
1632 - Battle of Rain; Swedes under Gustavus Adolphus defeat Count Tilly of the Holy Roman Empire during the Thirty Years' War...as compared with the 100-Year War.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #14
1493 - -20/4 Barcelona] Columbus meets with King Ferdinand & Isabella. Confirms fact that you can reach India by going West as well as East. Says Indians different than in East.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #13
1450 - French defeat English at Battle of Formigny in 100 Years' War. Expression: "War is Hell & War is Long" both came from this war!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #12
1450 - French defeat English at Battle of Formigny in 100 Years' War. Some families lost four generations of soldiers.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #11
1205 - Battle at Adrianople: Bulgaria beats Emp Boudouin of Constantinople. The little Emp smuggled out in a chamber pot.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #10
Greta Garbo dies, 1990. Coroner: Apparently the lady painted on most USA Planes in WWII, died of old legs!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #9
Pol Pot dies, 1998. Big celebration around most of the world, over 150 nations!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #8
Castro visits the United States, 1959. Should have grabbed him when we could!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #7
Race car driver goes down with the Titanic, 1912. Having a car race on board just one more silly thing that went on until the disaster.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #6
Congress ratifies peace with Great Britain, 1783. This lasting peace lasted until the next war with Great Britain.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #5
In 1986, the United States launched an air raid against Libya in response to the bombing of a discotheque in Berlin on April 5. "You don't mess with our discotheques", message clearly given!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #4
In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day. Headlines: "Can a BLack Player Play Baseball?"
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #3
In 1914, Mooseheart, Ill., held its "Good Roads Day," organized by the Moose Lodge! I always wondered why they were called Moose. Figured it was the big bellies.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History #2
1874, an exhibition of paintings by 30 artists, including Claude Monet, Edgar Degas, Paul Cezanne, opened in Paris. (A critic derisively called them "Impressionist".) An Impression was made alright.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Today in History
In 1764, Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson, Marquise de Pompadour, the highly influential mistress of France's King Louis XV, died at Versailles at age 42, an old woman!
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Supreme Court recognizes Gays as 'third gender'
In a landmark judgment, the Supreme Court on Tuesday created the "third gender" status for gays. Earlier, they were forced to write male or female as their gender.
written by Moose, 15 April 2014
Constitution Check: Does the Second Amendment need to be amended?
Seems like it has been doing OK for over 200 years.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Berlusconi given community service for tax fraud
"I wish that Al Capone could see me now, free as a bird and using a stuck to pick up paper."
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
String of earthquakes puts Nicaraguans on edge.
For two weeks now, one earthquake somewhere daily.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Ebola spreads from jungle to urban centers...
U.S. Government should be helping disease to stop, not be busy raiding ranches.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
MAG: If nuke exploded in downtown DC, what should you do?
Poll shows that many would get away as soon as possible from site after cheering. Listen for U.S. missiles to hit overseas. Prepare to die.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Reid To Try Everything to get Ranch Away
Hillary: This will be a big help for getting me elected with Reid having U.S. Army facing children for a stupid ranch.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
FLASHBACK: Breaks Ground for Solar Farm Near Ranch.
Reid has new plans to seize ranch, cattle. States citizens plan to stop him again.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Harry Reid: Ranch Business Not Over
I guess he had already promised it to the Japanese.
written by Bureau, 15 April 2014
Oh no!!
Police in the US State of Ohio have been ordered to arrest all card carrying members of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers Fan Club. "These people are so unintelligent" warned one Government spokesperson.
written by whatinthe world, 15 April 2014
Pickles
Pickles didn't go the right school but he has eaten written all over him.
written by j.w., 15 April 2014
Michael Moore's Latest Film in Current Previews
Conspiracy sniffer-head Moore has cinematically digitized his latest gambit to expose a secret scheme in the baking industry. His Rotundity's new film is entitled "Wall Street Tookover My Twinkies!"
written by Trinculoman, 15 April 2014
McCain Calls "Blood Moon"....
...another example of Russian aggression. Demands troop deployment to halt Red Menace.
written by Jack Van Gump, 15 April 2014
