Spoof news snippets from Sunday 20 May 2012

BBC Excluding the BNP

The BBC have been told to avoid mentioning the BNP. "We've been blacklisted," said Nick Griffin. "How ironic is that?"

17 Boys have NHS Boob removal operations!

Seventeen young lads under 10, have had NHS breast reductions in the last three years.

"I don't know what to say!"

Dad of 30 kids from 11 women begs for help with child support bills

Desmond Hatchet, 33, is currently obliged to hand over half his earnings, but he has insisted that burden makes it hard for him to make ends meet.

"Sounds like he's getting end to meet to me!"

Desert Island Discs celebrates 70 years!

Amongst the 2,881 luxuries chosen to be taken on the island are 183 pianos, five trombones, the Albert Memorial and a cheeseburger machine.

Interesting Details

Police hold diamond-swallower until evidence moves!

Police in the Canadian province of Ontario say it has been nearly a week since Richard Mackenzie Matthews, 52, is alleged to have switched a diamond at Precision Jewellers and swallowed the real one!

Masturbation Makes You Blind Update

.

Masturbation Makes You Blind

But i can't see it myself

Had A Hacking Cough For More Than Six Weeks

See Rupert Murdoch

Harry Redknapp to apply for 'vacant' Chelsea managers job

Well that's one way of him managing an English team in the Champions League next year.
Correction - it's probably the only way.

Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi finally dead.

Three years after being released from a Scottish prison on compassionate grounds (have you tasted scottish food?)
They said it would never happen.
They think it's all over - it is now!

Mark Zuckerberg updates Facebook status day.

Married! One day after his personal wealth was estimated at over $20 million when Facebook listed on the NASDAQ.
Obviously thinking about them marriage tax breaks?

Barack Obama hosts G8 leaders in America for summit.

Summit or nothing. Proceedings were interrupted to let David Cameron and Angela Merkel watch Chelsea play Bayern Munich in the soccer - but everyone was confused as they kept calling it 'football'.

Harry Redknapp gutted Spurs miss out on Champions League

Chelsea pip Spurs to the fourth English Champions League spot after winning trophy in Munich.
Bad month for Harry, after not getting the England job.
They say these things come in threes?

Chelsea to offer Motivational Courses to the Public

'How To Succeed After Nearly Failing'
A alleged racist, a fat ageing midfielder, a diving african striker and a spanish striker on an 18th month siesta - and still they win the Champions League??!

Chelsea win the Champions League Final.

Bayern Munich 1 Chelsea 1 AET (Muller 82, Drogba 88)
Chelsea win 4-3 on penalties.
The English beat the Germans on penalties! (Kind of)
May 19th 2012. This may never happen again in our lifetime!

China play joke on blind activist, has never really left China

Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng realized to the delight of his adviseries that he had, in fact, not been sent to the US, but instead had been flown around in circles and set down in China.

Chelsea!!

Enough said; they spanked the bums of the "Lederhosen" and beat them at their own game; Brilliant!!!!!!

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 56

Zimbabwe politician drives off in motor show car!

Prosecutors say an opposition politician at a Ford Motor Company car show got into the latest model on display and drove it off. He been charges with theft.

"At least their MPs cheat openly!"

Cocaine found in wheelchair's seat cushion

Federal authorities say a Mexican man tried to smuggle more than 7 pounds of cocaine into Arizona by hiding it in his wheelchair's seat cushion.

"Well it beats sniffing feathers!"

"Good" cholesterol turns out to be bullshit

Gone could be the days when your doctor tells you both your good and bad cholesterol levels. "Lay off the eggs," says Dr. Holly Siergard. "Get off the couch and play some Wii--you should be fine."