There were 596 spoof news snippets published in May 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sex Survey Reveals Women's "Sexiest Time"
My old woman reckons it's when I go down the pub and the geezer next door comes in to service the boiler :(
written by Danny Soz, 10 May 2012
Top UK nuclear dumping ground Romney Marsh twinned with US wannabe President
Mitt Romney just as toxic
written by queen mudder, 17 May 2012
Jessica Ennis coach hits out at UK Athletics for labelling her 'fat'
They meant to say 'fit'
written by radiogagger, 25 May 2012
Founder of Paypal sends SpaceX rocket into space.
Lets hope it gets there quicker than my paypal refund.
written by radiogagger, 25 May 2012
Launch success for SpaceX mission
They confirmed they have successfully launched a spaceship into space at 3am this morning with Piers Morgan on board on a one way ticket.
(Sadly, I might have made the Piers Morgan bit up)
written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Christine Lagarde: Time is running out for Osborne's Plan A
Trouble is he doesn't have a Plan B.
written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
$1 billion 'ghost town' coming to New Mexico
Expect a wave of phantom pregnancy law suits to follow
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Roy Hodgson's successful initiation as England manager!
Ray Hodgson's first training session was a huge success, during his introduction in Manchester he managed to keep the players attention for longer that 5 minutes and none of them fell asleep!
written by unknown
John Travolta accused of sexual battery!
He only popped in to charge his phone.
written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
George Osborne Is Dyslexic
The government have been forced to make a U-turn on its pastie tax after George Osborne admitted that he was dyslexic and originally thought that it was the patsie tax.
written by IN SEINE, 29 May 2012
The Queen's Feat
The Queen has been on her throne for sixty years! NO SHIT!!!
written by j.w., 29 May 2012
Blair Becomes Puppet Master
After serving an apprenticeship of being Bush's "poodle" Tony Blair is now a puppet master in his own right. He has now forged a "special" relationship with David Cameron and they regularly practice telling lies to each other.
written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
'Jeopardy!' host Alex Trebek mulling retirement
Producers won't let him go because he didn't preface it with 'WHAT'
written by JAB, 05 May 2012
Teen arrested after homework left at crime scene!
An 18-year-old Utah man was arrested. Orem police say they tracked a USB drive found at the burglarized home to Dallas Naljahih, the drive had his homework on it.
"The fool!"
written by Inchcock, 22 May 2012
The longest word ever used in the House of Commons is floccinaucinihilipilification!
Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg used floccinaucinihilipilification in the House of Commons!
I found Anticonstitucionalissimamente - "in a very unconstitutional way" more fitting for the Coalition!
written by Inchcock, 22 May 2012
Santander Bank downgraded by credit agencies.
And they didn't even mention the customer service!
written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Only two women in Francois Hollande's life not to be messed with??
Yep, one's his momma, the other his pet pirhana
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
70-Year-Old Virgin Seeking Suitor
Always wondered when a sequel to 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' was coming out...
written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
Australian women most likely to have sex!
According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
"Yahoo!"
written by Inchcock, 01 May 2012
BBC Excluding the BNP
The BBC have been told to avoid mentioning the BNP. "We've been blacklisted," said Nick Griffin. "How ironic is that?"
written by IainB, 20 May 2012
Kim Kardashian: Essex sounds like my kind of place
Could be something to do with her IQ.
written by radiogagger, 21 May 2012
Cameron says he is 'driven like Margaret Thatcher'
Hopefully not in the back of a NewsCorpse limo...
written by queen mudder, 22 May 2012
Eddie Stobart lands outer-space contract!
Giant trucking company Eddie Stobart has landed the contract to bring goods to the space-centre in outer space (where else?). He is over the moon!
written by unknown
Comic Izzard to run 27 marathons for Nelson Mandela
Personally I'd prefer to wear the ankle tag instead
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
WTF 'Federico Garcia Lorca could have fled Spain at start of Civil War'??
The guy was wedded to the whiskey vat down the Brown Pub in Bantry Bay
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Kylie Minogue to appear in adult version of childrens cartoon
Called Sponge Bob Hot Pants.
written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
Sir Tom Jones has an iconic red phone box cemented into the ground by his swimmming pool in his LA home
Just thought you'd like to know!
written by Inchcock, 06 May 2012
Human rights protesters arrested outside Eurovision Song Contest in Azerbaijan
After entering last year as well, theirs only so much Jedward the Europeans can take.
written by radiogagger, 25 May 2012
Bartholomew Utterswaithes's Truisms. No.4
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen!
written by Inchcock, 13 May 2012
Bartholomew Utterswaithes's Truisms. No.8
If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now have a McDonald's open and trading on the moon!
written by Inchcock, 15 May 2012
Martha Stewart Wore See-Through Dress
I closed my eyes and still had nightmares.
written by radiogagger, 02 May 2012
Love sick Lady Gaga cancels Indonesia gig!
Lady Gaga has cancelled her Indonesia gig not because of security reasons; she is love sick and can't bear the pain of living him. Jean Paul Gaultier loves him too, but has no chance!
written by unknown
French elite plan to relocate to London to avoid new tax regime
As they say, "If a frog had wings it would save a lot of wear and tear on its ass"
written by JAB, 12 May 2012
Euro your way I'll go mine!
Well done Englebert time for a mug of Philosan and a speedy return to the pine box...until next time...don't forget to de-flea the wig bro'
written by Herrdoktorfox, 27 May 2012
Eating Eggs at Breakfast Can Help You Lose Weight
Scientists suggest that eating eggs for breakfast can help with weight loss. Didn't they also say that it is a great source of salmonella?
written by IN SEINE, 12 May 2012
Eddie Iz Mad
Eddie Izzard is to run 27 marathons in 27 days for Nelson Mandela in South Africa.
I'm doing my bit as well - I'm going to eat 27 snicker bars, maybe more, in 27 days in Southend.
written by radiogagger, 13 May 2012
Edward Munch 'The Scream' sells at auction for $120m
Bit early - Mitt Romney is already planning the decor in the White House!
written by radiogagger, 03 May 2012
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 65
"My Life as a Landscaper"
by
Moe D. Grass.
written by IN SEINE, 29 May 2012
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 67
"Women Urged To Conserve Manpower"
by
U. Singh Boyce
written by IN SEINE, 31 May 2012
Complaints Over Puppy Prize On ITV Show
About 180 people have moaned to Ofcom after a puppy was given away on the show 'Keith Lemon's LemonAid'.
Some say there are plenty of reasons to complain about the show, but this isn't one of them.
written by Simon Saunders, 04 May 2012
Hermes Birkin handbag for sale on eBay
A $100,000 Hermes Birkin crocodile handbag has been spotted for sale on eBay - with slight scorch marks. It has currently reached $25,000.
written by IN SEINE, 29 May 2012
Tony Blair & David Cameron Forge "Special" Relationship
...and yes, it is a forgery!
written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
Tellytubbies Are Not Gay!
"We were just born THAT way! Get over it" So says La La - "Stonewall has nothing to do with us" she added.
written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
"Five Wives" Vodka to Be Rebranded
"Five Wives" vodka once deemed as insulting to Mormons has now been rebranded "Four Wives". Now it is widely used in Muslim nations. It has proved to be a hit for producers, Ogden's Distillery.
written by IN SEINE, 31 May 2012
Commuters Forced to Wait for an Hour While Guard Has Sandwich
More than 50 commuters in Kent were forced to wait for almost an hour while the guard took time off to eat a chicken sandwich and a bag of crisps. Perhaps it was the wrong type of bread?
written by IN SEINE, 04 May 2012
RAF to fly in perfect ER II formation at Diamond Jubilee
Yep, the sign of the swastika.
written by queen mudder, 15 May 2012
Man Cleared Of Murder
The Judge at the High Court in Glasgow decided there was insufficient evidence to convict the man of murdering gangland figure Kevin "The Gerbil" Carroll.
Roland the rat is said to be very upset.
written by Simon Saunders, 05 May 2012
WTF 'Scottish madam fails to disappoint Uri Geller's lawyer son?'
Come on Red Tops, do ya mean 'appoint'?
written by queen mudder, 15 May 2012
Pippa Middleton is considering a move New York City
Middleton rejected Paris, after friend Romain Rabillard pointed a fake gun at photographers.
Try Nashville, permit holders can carry loaded firearms into bars and restaurants that serve alcohol.
written by JAB, 09 May 2012
BNP Celebrates 20 years
The British National Party is twenty years old this week, and celebrated with a big party. Where they only served white wine.
written by IainB, 21 May 2012
So Farewell, Vidal Sassoon
Apparently you were a great hairdresser.
All I know is that I hated reading First World War poetry for O-Level English.
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 10 May 2012
Facebook shares plummet in value.
Friday: debuted on NASDAQ at $38 per share, valuing entire company at $104 billion.
Monday: shares drop to 38 cents, valuing the entire company at $38.
Tuesday: Mark Zuckerberg files for bankruptcy
written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Kuwaiti MP banned from Parliament for spitting
Blames his camel who's fond of expelling a mouthful
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
".......AND THE WINNER IS!"
Yet another British pisshead does the Magaluf Hotel 'Balcony Nosedive' making it three within a month...surely worthy of a UK Gold Medal for continuity?
written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 May 2012
Will Smith says he supports Obama's call for higher taxes on top earners
Well, that's mighty white of … er, thanks for the sacrifice, Will
written by JAB, 08 May 2012
Mark Zuckerberg updates Facebook status day.
Married! One day after his personal wealth was estimated at over $20 million when Facebook listed on the NASDAQ.
Obviously thinking about them marriage tax breaks?
written by radiogagger, 20 May 2012
Harry Redknapp to apply for 'vacant' Chelsea managers job
Well that's one way of him managing an English team in the Champions League next year.
Correction - it's probably the only way.
written by radiogagger, 20 May 2012
DFS SALE.........LIMITED TIME ONLY
DFS announce latest sale in run up to Christmas...........
Order before 01/06/12 for guaranteed delivery
written by asphyxiation, 21 May 2012
UK royal tearoom owner ejects non-royalists!
A UK royal tearoom owner ejected 3 non-royalists because they refused to stand up as the national anthem played. She knew they were non-royalists because they were wearing Cromwell helmets!
written by unknown
Dangerous Fortune Teller At Large
The hunt is on for the fortune teller who told a Yorkshire mother of 4 to make 2 of them into slaves for Gypsies. Could this be the same fortune teller who taught David Cameron?
written by IN SEINE, 09 May 2012
Bungay Bungay Match in Bungay, Suffolk
A football match was held in the Suffolk village of Bungay where every player shared the same name of 'Bungay'. This is not to be confused with Silvio Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga parties.
written by IN SEINE, 09 May 2012
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 61
"America's Longest River"
by
Mrs.Hippy
written by IN SEINE, 25 May 2012
Cutbacks on Olympic countdown clock
Today is 66 days to the start of the games, but organisers have just turned the '99 days' sign upside down.
written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Cheerleader kicks herself in the face
Curb your enthusiasm lass.
Watch here
written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Naked unicyclist charged for distracting drivers
Police say a man arrested in a Southeast Texas city for riding his unicycle in the nude was distracting drivers and creating a hazard.
Something to do with his left turn signal.
written by JAB, 10 May 2012
President Obama's embraces same-sex marriage
The President said, "I was reading Charles Darwin's 'On the Origin of Species' in bed, when Michelle passed me the mixed nuts, it was then that I had a 'natural selection' moment and I evolved."
written by JAB, 10 May 2012
Man Dressed as Dead Mom for Years
Pyscho! or just a fraud?
Story here
written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Luvvie time.
Its that time of the year again when we have the BAFTA awards inflicted upon us: or as they are known.....
B........Bloody
A........Awful
F........Feckin'
T........Television
A........Anglais.
written by Herrdoktorfox, 22 May 2012
Record Breakers
People could be queuing at airports for up to 4 hours during the Olympics...unless of course they make a break for it and 'hurdle' the barriers!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 22 May 2012
British spy cacked 'underpants' bomb plot
Hmmm, reckon an arse - er, 'r'! - is missing somewhere in that headline
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Worst civil servants to be hacked
PM puts his foot in his mouth in sacking headline faux pass
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Cable's No Fault Dismissal
Mad Bolshevik Vince Cable has been sacked, but it was not his fault.
written by j.w., 23 May 2012
WTF 'Dalai Lama to give away £1m at St Paul's Cathedral'?
Probably nicked it from a bent fortune cookie company...
written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Egyptians Vote in Historic Election
It will be interesting to see who they think is the better judge - Britney or Demi Lovatio?
written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
Romney Makes Bold Prediction About His First Term
"I'm gonna pay even less tax than I do now!"
written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
Facebook to Merge
It can be revealed that social networking giant, Facebook, is to merge with fashion clothing manufacturer/retailer Fat Face to become FatFacebook
written by IN SEINE, 23 May 2012
Man O Man it's City!
The Red Devils lost their satanic powers last night and were "Blue-n" away. United have now lost 2 titles; the most hated club in the UK and the other one; every negative has a positive!
written by unknown
"Wacko!"
MP's call for bad teachers to be paid less....that should save £millions overnight based on the demeaner of most of the teachers I've come across!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 01 May 2012
"One flew over alright!"
Would be wannabe-cook-chef Heston 'Blofeld' Blumenthal named 'World's Best Chef'...by the inmates of Broadmoor High security wing!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 01 May 2012
MAYDAY MAYDAY (part 2)
Russell Brand spotted protesting naked in Trafalger Square.
Looks like the marriage breakdown with Katy has finally hit him...
written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
MAYDAY MAYDAY (part 3)
Weather experts warned of flooding in the North of England after uncontrollable outburst of tears in the Manchester area on Monday night around 9.57pm.
More as we get it...
written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
Manchester derby: Experts call for Investigation
Experts have called for racehorse owner Sir Alex Ferguson to be investigated after reports he used the whip several times on 11 donkeys in the Manchester area on Monday night around 10pm.
written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
Robbers Disguise Was 'Pants'
A robbery in South London was foiled when the would-be robber was identified by his boxer shorts which he wore on his head. Forensics took a DNA swab from a skidmark to discover whose they were.
written by IN SEINE, 02 May 2012
Long To Reign Over Us: Prince Charles Presents The Weather Live on the BBC
Finally - the sponger has got himself a real job!
written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
Japanese Vehicle Licensing Authority Trying to Trace Owner of Harley
A Harley Davidson was washed up on a Canadian beach 14 months after the tsunami in Japan. The DVLA in Tokyo are trying to trace the owner because the tax disc ran out several months ago.
written by IN SEINE, 02 May 2012
Katie Price's wedding dress maker see's record profits.
Katie Price's wedding dress maker has just announced record profits, and said next year could be even better.
written by Glen Jacobs, 02 May 2012
Obama explains Same-Sex marriage position
'One on top - one underneath - the same as normal sex positions'
written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
Warner Loss
Warner Bros are to make a film ironically about a film company who makes massive losses on a film it directs and is due out in cinemas in August.
written by Glen Jacobs, 02 May 2012
