Obama: I Am Not Responsible!
US President Barack Obama claims that private survey of millions of unemployed shows that 50% of them were only doing a half-ass job where they were.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
NYC Mafia's Al Faroni Tough
Two bombs go off in NYC Mafia hit man, Big Al Faroni's back pocket. Godfather tells hm, "Al, you want to go outside and do that. It's not nice...and where's the seat of your pants?"
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
A Congo Of Many Names
The Congo, which name was changed to The Belgium Congo then to Zaire and back to the Congo discovered that there was now another Congo. May change name to Bongo Congo!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Those Body Scans Again
Airport body-scan radiation and some sexy scans now under new scrutiny.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
The Four Congos
Mystery of there being four different Congo nations solved as ship of the discoverer ran around in circles of the coast.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Didn't Know There Were Any!
A report from the Justice Department's Nazi-hunting unit criticizes the government for knowingly allowing some Nazis to settle in the United States after World War II, but just the good Nazis!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Seattle And Olympia, Starbucks!
Washington to change it's name to "Starbucks" after rice company bails out the state debt.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Obama Hopeful On Breakthroughs
Obama hopeful of deal to break African dreadlocks...deadlocks!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Better Back Away
Sacramento warns San Fransisco and Los Angeles to keep hand off their being the state capitol!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Hey! Where Are My Toes?
Weighing risk, benefit of live-donor transplant: Transplants do much better if donor still alive. Better for you but not for donor.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Tree Sitters Invited
Lumberjacks in Alaska tell tree sitters to come and sit in trees all they like. "If you thought your tongue was bad when stuck to frozen metal pole, wait till you try to pry your ass off these."
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
High Job Risks A Killer
Study: Women with high job stress face heart risks the same as men, except when both are prostitutes. There women have more stress, where men tend to relax.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Try "You Win Wampum" Machine. They Hot!
Native American casinos have now bought back over 100,000 acres out west.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
SS Judges Threatened #2
Social Security judges facing more and more violent threats! "You grant my social security of you will be drawing one for your disabilities soon!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
North To Alaska!
Should Sarah Palin lose nomination for presidency in 2012, says Alaska may form it's own country.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
"This Big Man From Another Time!"
Obama's Asian trip shows limits on global stage as Chinese brings over Japanese rep to point and laugh!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
"Burning Up The Town!"
Cayenne voted "Hottest Town in French Guiana" for 22nd straight year!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Madoff Selloff Begins!
Government sells spoils of Madoff's lavish life. Pinkie finger brought in $1,000 from former victim.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Thief Turns To Hero
In Chicago, a car thief turned hero after car-jacking as car owner choked on mint. Thief admits that he only performed the Heimlich Maneuver to allow victim to give her directions to the Oprah Show!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Idians Conference
Indian leaders gather in NM to address challenges as members of the Wahoooo tribe were forced to have protologist sessions.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Vikings On The Road
The Minnesota Vikings will have to play on the road for the rest of their season due to drunken lumberjacks chopping down their stadium!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Judges Threatened!
Social Security judges facing more violent threats. "It's like the old army thing of shooting themselves in the foot."
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Utah Looking For Tourists
Utah's four biggest families who make up 82% of the population of the state of Utah, send a personal invitation to "come here and look up your ancestry"!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
What all the chirping's about
Study: Bush cricket has world's largest testes, accounting for 14 percent of body mass in males. Even more surprisingly, female bush crickets found to totally lack pubic hair.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 November 2010
Lame Dick Session
Hobbled Dems, eager GOP back for lame-dick session! That should be...no, that's probably right.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Robbers Break Man's Jaw For £7
"Bloody bargain if you ask me - they said £10... I said £5... They said £8... I said £7... they said done!"
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 14 November 2010
A Trojan horse of a different color
Israeli conservatives reject multibillion-dollar package of U.S. incentives designed to restart Middle East peace talks. Obama hatches plan to ship package in boat disguised as Palestinian aid.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 November 2010
A red state with red eyes?
Arizona voters approve a ballot measure to legalize medical marijuana, indicating they may also have been high when they voted on Arizona's controversial immigration policy ballot initiative.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 November 2010
BSU Foozball Program Responds to Critics
Boise State's football program intends to ratchet up its non-conference schedule strength in 2014.
New opponents include: DeVry University, University of Phoenix, and Thomas Nelson Community College.
written by SpaceElevator, 14 November 2010
Shake Your Buggy #2
Number One on the Amish Top One Hundred List for the 22nd week in a row, "Buggy All Night Long!"
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Garfield In Trouble Again
Garfield the Cat in trouble again as he was caught looking at kitty porn by the mice squad.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Why Leave It To Me?
Jerry Mathers, who was Beaver on "Leave It To Beaver", says that now that his mom passed away, he doesn't know what to do.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Those Aren't Firecrackers!
Montana, after a state-wide vote of 121-78, has requested that it will change its name to "Mount Militia" on January first!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Safety First
US Safety Committee remind everyone to drain their pools before it freezes. Even more important, be sure to fill them before diving in next Spring.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Denver To Rock!
Good news for Denver residents, the Mile High Club need recruits so they tell Denver to go at it!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Largest Pilgramage Underway!
World's largest pilgrimage underway as hajj begins as terrorist jackals watch for the stragglers.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Poor Is Not Funny
US, British Comedians feast on Ireland's whopping debt crisis. The Irish will return the favor any day now.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Seattle Furs #1
Seattle's 'Second Furs' becoming the leading seller of paint-splattered furs. "You can wear them under your coat to secretly feel warm, high above all the peasants around you.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
British Couple Freed
British couple freed by Somali pirates after 1 yr, shivers completely timbered!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Reward for Lost Snippet
Last seen in the unpublished list. Slightly over weighted at 205 characters but with bold vowels and fine consonants. Reward, five thumbs up, no questions asked. Contact JAB
written by JAB, 14 November 2010
Obama Trip Expensive
President Obama leaves Japan, heads back to U.S., completing 10-day Asian tour. Attains goal of spending $20 million. Worthless trip could have given elderly slight raise on Social Security.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Li Ping Sets Record
China's Li Ping launches a loud Pong butt sets world record in women's 53 kilogram weightlifting division!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Obama Helps Couple
Plane carrying kidnapped British couple leaves Somalia on way to Kenya, where couple may visit Obama's birth site.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Only Took Two Years
Bush eclipses Obama'numbers in the latest polls across the US!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Police Not Looking For Lost Pets
Cash-Strapped NYC Announces It Will No Longer Look For Lost Pets. Millions take to the streets in protest!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
News Sites Can Always Rely On Taliban Strikes!
Taliban mount series of attacks in Afghanistan. Summer grass turning brown most places. Winter coming on. Oregon almost defeated yesterday. More Taliban attacks, apparently.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Netanyahu Unveils Talks
Netanyahu unveils U.S. plan for new talks. Will talk it over with Ariel Sharon and get back to you.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
The Viagra Man Advice To Obama
Bob Dole advises young Obama that it's OK to be a lame duck. "I told everyone on TV that I was a lame dick and nothing bad happened."
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Obama Not Run For Re-Election
Dem Strategist Doug Schoen: Obama Shouldn't Seek Second Term. Most now wish he hadn't sought his first term.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Michael Moore After Obama
Michael Moore To Obama: 'Take Off The Pink Tutu'. 'Those aren't even worn in Kenya.'
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Government In Our Pants
If you have flown lately, you may have hands down your pants or up your skirt and now California may pass anti-circumsion law! Big Bother Is Here!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Body-Scans Under Fire
Airport body-scan radiation under new scrutiny after radiation of passengers shown that it could affect pilot controls in cockpit.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
No Remains Aboard
Cousteau group say they may have discovered the remains of the lost "Minnow" boat!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Three "Little Bitty Buddies"
Cruise passengers endured stench, cold food, at least three Gilligan-types aboard.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Troubled Cruise Ships
Troubled cruise shows unpredictability of the sea..especially small boats in a "Three-Hour Tour. A three hour tour!"
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Palin's TV series a stage for political future?
Palin to bring back new version of Ronald Reagan's "General Electric Theater".
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Not Many Volunteers For Study
Study: Major acne problem, two-inch penis, may raise suicide risk.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
We Need Increase In Population
Saudi Arabia blocks Facebook over moral concerns. Would be forced to chop off penis of those found guilty of misuse.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Shuttle Delayed Further
Cracks found in shuttle fuel tank, commander's head, not just foam .
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Superjumbos Grounded
Qantas keeps superjumbos grounded after accident. May do the same with airplanes.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Do Away With Bags Entirely
Probe is sought of lead in reusable grocery bags. Suggest grocery shoppers keep boxes in trunk to dump loose items into.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Another UFO Explained
After at least 100 calls in Campbell County in Tn. over alien sightings, U.S. Air Force has determined that the 'aliens' were just some 'Brother/Sister Marriage' freaks come down from the hills!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Another One Explained Away
After at least one hundred calls in Campbell County in Tn. over alien sightings, U.S. Air Force has determined that Campbell County is a weather balloon.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Fooled Us Once!
2010 elections highlight Obama's eroding base. "We just wanted Bush out of there in 2010. Now we got poisoned mistletoe."
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Obama The Buddhist?
Obama makes return visit to sacred Buddha statue. Jeremiah Wright: He goes everywhere but church!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Mustn't Treat Murderers Too Harshly
Karzai says US should reduce operations' intensity. Maybe just blow up Taliban positions every other night.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Obama says START treaty remains 'top priority'
Plans to 'start' acting like a president instead of political campaigner!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Dems Hobbled!
Hobbled Dems, eager GOP back for lame-duck session. Pelosi to perform Swan Lake!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Marijuana Good For Diahrrea!
California study says that legal marijuana for seniors leaving many on pot.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Az. Approves Pot Measure
Voters approve Arizona medical marijuana measure. Huge hangnail outbreak!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Maybe Carry Groceries In Big Pockets?
After switching paper bags to plastic over numbers of trees needed, Calif switches back to plastic now condemned, now reusable grocery bags found to contain lead.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Snow & Moose Show
Snowstorm causes 400 Minn. crashes, 300 more caused by rouge moose!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Sarkozy Eyes 2012
Sarkozy names new government with eye on 2012, young lady in the front row with the short red dress.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Israel's Settlement Freeze
Israel mulls settlement freeze amid building frenzy. Give them a couple more years and then announce work stoppage.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Thinks He's Hot S*it!
Why world leaders smacked down Obama at G20 summit. "Had his nose in the air and we hate that", say French.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Costing The Moon!
NASA's new space telescope costs shoot the moon, cost the moon new expensive study shows.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Drug Lords Not Being Counted!
Mexico still hasn't completed 2010 census as census takers near border keep disappearing.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Mighty Dicks Pull One Out!
No. 1 Oregon barely stays perfect, holds off Cal as Mighty Dicks nearly lose. I'm sorry, that's 'Mighty Ducks!'
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
China Wanting Loan Payments
Chinese leaders ask Obama at G-20 Conference for payment of at least the interest on their loans to US. Obama says he forgot and left it in his other pants at home.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
One Of Seventeen New Prisons
Radical Muslim cleric arrested in Lebanon after trial conviction. Will be shipped to Radical Muslim Cleric Prison #14.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Bully Being Built
Iran's nuke plant to feed power grid in December.Already eyeballing Saudis, Kuwaiti oil.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Too Many Fat People Aboard Superjumbos?
Qantas keeps superjumbos grounded after accident number three.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Must Have Been Waterboarded
Afghan government says kidnapped diplomat released but crazy as a loon!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Less Whoopie In Costa Rica
Yesterday, local citizens of Costa Rica beat up American couple for carelessly running over their rare and beautiful Whoopie Bird.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Can't Win?
Prostate Cancer Treatment May Up Colon Cancer Risk! Aspirin for preventing heart attack my eat up lining of stomach. Watching Funny Videos on TV may cause ulcers worrying you over being hit in balls.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Dutch St.Nicholas is not a paedo, he just loves kiddies stitting on his lap!
This years St.Nicholas celebrations in tolerant Holland have been marred slightly, he has 'outed' the fact he loves having kiddies sitting on his lap, so what, the Dutch love marijuana too!
written by unknown
Snowstorm In Minnesota
Snowstorm causes 400 Minnesota crashes. Those who have already made it to Florida for winter whoop it up!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Chubby Galaxy #2
Chubby Galaxy Cluster Suggests Dark Energy Was Stronger Long Ago. Most Americans now have an excuse. "It's those skinny asses that go against nature!"
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Chubby Galaxy
Chubby Galaxy Cluster Suggests Dark Energy Was Stronger Long Ago! Maybe what is making us fat today.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Brits Freed
British couple freed by Somali pirates after 1 yearrrr say they must learrrn to speak English me mateys!
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
Another NAFTA?
APEC leaders seek Pacific-wide free trade zone. Oh, goody, like NAFTA, this should help take away even more jobs from Americans.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
al Qaeda are winning WWIII, that's a fact!
Sir David Richards head of UK armed forces has confirmed al Qaeda cannot be defeated and are winning and Bin Laden cannot be found, maybe it's time to start studying the Koran after all!
written by unknown
Was it worth it?
At an auction to raise money for victims of financial swindles, Bernie Madoff's boxer shorts fetch $1,700. Madoff's prison cell mate got a pair for free.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 November 2010
You're gonna get it
People who deviate from the norm and are "different" or "odd" bring bullying on themselves, according to 42% of high school students surveyed. I'm gonna teach those 42% a lesson when class is over.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 14 November 2010
Sttttrrriiikkke Threeee!
ABCNEWS: Obama strikes out in Asia, after Democrats strike out in the United States.
written by Bureau, 14 November 2010
