Patient Sues Hospital!
Patient wakes up during surgery to overhear, "So you're saying that if we stretched her small intestines out, it would be all the way to the end of the hall? Well, let's see!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Leg Grows A Foot
My leg's grown a foot: The amazing story of a boy who has had his leg extended by over 12 inches apparently grows third foot.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Cameron Apologizes
Cameron apologises for saying Britain was 'junior partner' to U.S. in 1940 after pensioner takes him to task. U.S. didn't officially enter until after Pearl Harbor.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Memories Return
Why fish and chips, or the sounds of ABBA, can bring strong memories, nauceous-feeling flooding back.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
14-Year-Old Accidentally Tasered.
Police officer accidentally shot schoolgirl, 14, with a Taser after missing intended target. Demands his weapon back.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Seatbelt Penalty Rough
Police smashed 'confused' OAP driver's window and dragged him out with a bloody nose after he drove off when he was stopped for not wearing a seatbelt. "Not wearing belt could have caused him injury."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Lardass Comes To The Rescue
BP successfully blocks oil leak as superhero "Lardass" lends a helping ass. "Take THAT Justice League of America!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Low Standards
Report: States set easy tests for students to achieve as "able to occupy a chair without going to sleep" gets you at least a 'D'.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
A Methane Powered Car Breaks down in Bristol
A car which runs on poo has broken down in Bristol on its prototype run today, after crap was found in the carburettor.
written by IN SEINE, 05 August 2010
Calls It Teddy
Michelle Obama in Spain with daughter asked if the waterdog sleeps with President Obama while the family is gone, "No, he still sleeps with Nobel Peace Prize."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Migraines Dangerous
A migraine with aura can double stroke risk say experts. Then a stroke can increase the chance of having a stroke by 100%.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Don't Have Enough Strength To Get Up
Emergency crew called out to Mays Theatre in Livingston, Wyoming as nursing home night out winds up with ten stuck to seats with old jujubee's and chewing gum.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Uses Slow Dangling Movements
Lady in charge of nursing home entertainment has many of the patients on "Hung Poo".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Memories Of Summers Past
Unusually hot summer brings back thoughts of the Beach Boys to Boomers, singing "Wouldn't It Be Ice?"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
If They're Still Alive
Former VP Dick Cheney says that he told the troops to shoot first and ask questions later.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Heat Records Fall
All-time summer heat records fall or at least, warped by lying in the sun.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
B & J Having Problems
Ben And Jerry's Ice Cream having financial troubles. Could wind up with frozen Assats!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Crop Circles Not From Aliens
Crop circles now thought not to n=be the work of aliens. Aliens usually work crops from one end to the other.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Fickle Finger Of Fate
Finger of fate points the long arm of the law straight at Roy Horny.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Wives On Crack
New poll shows that the biggest number of women on Crack are wives and girlfriends of plumbers.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Books Does OK!
New book, "Men Are From Bars, Women Are From Penis" not selling as well as original.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Fat Is In The Fire
Report: The future of the United States depends upon our fat little farts for the future.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Live Long & Poster
Al Qaida number two sends good will wishes to Taliban number three.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Let Them Eat Cake
CBS: ROUNDTRIP FLIGHT WILL COST $147,563. About the same number of jobless people signing up for the first time this week.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
UFO files finally released
After more than 60 years, film footage of UFOs have been released. Many were thought to be Russian jets, but many of the vapour trails were found to come from Sir Winston Churchill's lighted cigars.
written by IN SEINE, 05 August 2010
Pissing In The Wind
Al Gore now saying that locating so many beer joints & bars near the ocean could cause them to rise even further.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Madoff Changing
Bernie Madoff says that since he has been in prison he can sympathize with "the little guy on the bottom".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Israel Angered By Iran
Iran Holocaust-denying website angers Israel. "He will keep on until he is the one who won't exist!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Churchill Banned UFO Reports
Churchill 'banned UFO report to avoid mass panic', although he was beamed up twice.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Wildfire Spreading In Russia
Russia in losing battle against spreading wildfires, moving rockets. "Don't want any nuclear weapons launched prematurely but we will not allow them to go off here!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Campbell Not Sure
Naomi Campbell tells war-crimes court: Not clear gift was diamonds. "Could have been moon rocks."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Woody A Zombie Again
Woody Harrelson to star in another Zombie movie, "I've Got Betty Davis Eyes".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
The Alaskan Dogsled Team Had One Very Interesting Member
A dogsled team in Juneau, Alaska's 88th Annual Dogsled Races was disqualified when it was learned that one of the dogs was really a cat.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
What The Hell Happened To Wars With Plain, Simple Names?
Remember when wars had simple names like World War I and World War II. Now we have The Iraq War - Storming The Damn Hot-As-Hell Effen Desert and The War In Detroit - Carburetors Be Damned And Shit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Wyoming Will No Longer Tolerate The Unwarranted Wearing of Cowboy Hats
Wyoming has outlawed the practice of wearing cowboy hats unless you are actually a cowboy or a cowgirl. Violators will have their hats confiscated and donated to the San Francisco Home For Gay Pokes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Attention Homeless People: Come On Up To Green Bay - You'll Love It - Trust Me
Green Bay, Wisconsin, has the saddest homeless people in the nation. Experts point to the freezing weather. The city has decided to remedy the problem by providing them with free prescription wine.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
The Unbelievable Thing That Eating Two or More Corn on The Cobs Will Do
Food researchers say that eating two or more corn on the cobs can make you ugly. Amy Winehouse, Ann Coulter, Courtney Love, and Joan Rivers all remark, "Great, now you tell me."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) Reveals An Amazing Secret About Kate Hudson
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez, (A-Rod) reveals that yes it's true his ex-girlfriend Kate Hudson had little, itty, bitty titties. Oh and Alex, Gabourey Sidibe kinda looks like an orca whale.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Abraham Lincoln Was One of America's Most Popular Inventors
Abraham Lincoln invented the five dollar bill and the Lincoln Logs, but he did not, in fact, invent the Lincoln Town Car, as many people wrongly believe.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Russian pianist enjoys "fiddling" with little boys also!
A Russian Classical pianist has discovered a new found love, "fiddling" with under age boys in Thailand without his violin!
written by unknown
Naomi's bloody diamonds
Cat walk supremo Naomi Campbell has confessed to having been given some diamonds. But who gave them to her in South Africa? 'I thought it might have been Nelson. But he fancied Lady Hamilton not me.'
written by j.w., 05 August 2010
Calls For Investigations
Bailed out GOVERNMENT MOTORS making political donations to Obama-backed politicians running for office?
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Free Handouts (At Mission)
FOOD STAMP USE HITS RECORD! Obama delivers on promise that everyone would have free assistance and that's what we're having to do, because of no jobs.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Sorry, No Boobs!
New Dolly exhibition exclusively at Atlanta museum. I'm sorry, that should be 'Dali'.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Medical Device Oversight Tighteded
FDA moves toward tighter medical device oversight. Several back scratchers are recalled.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Americans More Honest
Are Americans now more honest about their weight? "Where are you going to hide it?" asks one fat ass.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
The Big Head
Pregnant moms who overeat could make obese babies. "You'll be sorry when that big head comes through", says Doc.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
We Need To Climate
UN panel: New taxes needed for a climate fund. Many people have never been atop Everest!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
"So I Panicked Again!"
Looking for the oil? NOAA says it's mostly gone. Chicken Little reluctantly agrees.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
And They Sat They Need Bailouts!
Mortgage rates hit low of 4.49 pct. Interest rates earned on savings drops to .0000000001 pct.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Jobs Still Unavailable
New claims for jobless benefits rise to 479,000. "Obama says one more thing about producing jobs, I've got a shoe with his name on it", sates guy in line for check.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Shoppers Numbers Still Down
Wary shoppers give retailers only modest gains. "They com in here and pinch, shape and sample before buying", states grocer.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Looking For Volunteers?
"The only quick way to save social security" is to have less people around to draw it", says Government official.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Got At Least One More Month
Trichet says economic indicators 'better than expected!' 'No depression yet!'
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Obama Tour Dangerous?
Obama caps victory tour of Big Three automakers. Hit by hundreds of shoes.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Heat Tremendous
Heat wave bakes 18 states from Texas to New York. "We've been taking turns hanging on hooks in the freezer", states Louisville Meat Producers.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Still A Lot Of Anger
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. Those losing businesses on coast may pump cement up ex CEO's ass.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
New Jobless Numbers Jump!
Numbers for those filing for loss of jobs benefits goes up again. Obama: See, they're all taken care of by the government....of China. But we'll pay it back. Well, our grandchildren will.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
It's True About Prisons
New prisoner at California's San Quinton State Prison says now he knows why people say "Prison Sucks".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Wouldn't Take Long
Obama caps victory tour of Big Three automakers or what's left of them.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Kentucky: We're Still Learning English
Poll: Language a barrier for Latinos. Chinese, Japanese, Arab students in schools. Teachers told to instruct in twelve languages.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
More Gay Delays
Appeal of ruling could delay gay weddings in CA! Flower shops launch complaint.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Pacific Power Balance Threatened
Chinese missile could shift Pacific power balance. US threatens to place nuclear weapons on all aircraft carriers.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Giuliana's Daughter Arrested
Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor's daughter is caught with a bag of stolen cosmetics. Accuses Paris Hilton of dropping items in her bag.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Obama's Work Nearing Comletion With New Taxes
Jobless benefits rose last week to their highest level since April, a sign that hiring remains weak and some companies are still cutting workers."All we need is the Obama tax on small business."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Horoscopes - Libra - August
Fruit: Kiwis
Bird: Kiwis
For Librarians considering travelling abroad this month, New Zealand will be your luckiest destination. Don't forgot to lock the bathroom door on the 30th. Use a wee key.
written by IainB, 05 August 2010
Social Security Condition "Guarded"
Prognosis guarded for Medicare and Social Security. Completely off life support since elections due in November.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Jed Clampett Advises BP
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. Rich Oil man Jed Clampett recommends a cement pond be placed there.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Calls For A Vote
Appeal of ruling could delay gay weddings in California. Proponents say they will appeal appeal.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Seven Testify Against Creek
Seven testify against Creek in court. Creek represented by bottle of muddy water, Attorney.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Ryan Wins Rangers Ownership
Nolan Ryan group wins auction for Rangers. Players agree to build up muscle by helping Ryan haul hay on hid farm during off season.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Native American Arrested
Native American arrested outside Atlanta Braves Stadium scalping tickets.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
"We Won't Pardon You If Billy The Kid Pardoned.
NM gov meets with lawman Pat Garrett's descendants...at high noon!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Football Coaches Not Worried
Jobs bill to stop teacher layoffs nears approval. Schools state that they will have to cut pay if this happens.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Social Security Threatened
Prognosis guarded for Medicare and Social Security. "Either straighten it out or Boomers will vote everybody out of office" says AARP!
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Mike Tyson Chews Off Dog's Ear, Saves It's Life
Mike Tyson chewed off his dog' ear after a coyote attacked the dog and left eat half attached. Doctors Say dog might have died from possible infection.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Dog Eats Man' Nut, Saves his life.
Dog chews off one of Tennessee man's nuts. Saves his life. "It was full of infection...hadn't worked for years...right painful that chewing, though."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Dog Chews Off Man's Ear, Saves His Life
Dog chews off Kentucky man's ear off, saves his life. "That ear was diseased and coulda have retched my brain."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Facebook Reveals Man's Second Wife
On Facebook, wife learns of husband's 2nd wedding. "I copied it and sent it to his (illegal) second wife. Expect she'll be seeing him soon."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Dog Eats Toe, First "DOG" Scan
A Michigan man credited his dog with saving his life by chewing off his diseased big toe as he lay passed out in a drunken stupor. "Had diabetes & didn't know it. Dog chewed it, medics removed it."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Harley Moving South
After 107 years in Milwaukee, Harley could leave...unless free beer offered there.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
New York City - The City That Never Sleeps Sure Does Snooze A Lot
New York City has just announced that it will start closing between the hours of 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. to give the homeless panhandlers time to go out shopping for a home.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Bill Clinton - The Man Who Never Met A Woman He Did Not Want To Boink
Bill Clinton has finally admitted that he has had more sex with Hillary Clinton than with all of his countless girlfriends combined.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Round & Round We Go!
Appeal of ruling could delay gay weddings in CA, appeal to Supreme Court, vote by public on "Proposition 9".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Hurricane Katrina Was One Mean, Windy Bitch - Kinda Like Naomi Campbell
President Obama told the Senate that he wants to retire the hurricane name Katrina. One somewhat tipsy Republican senator shouted out "No sir, no one gets to retire!"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Recycling Approved By Environmentalists
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. CEO: We reused a lot of cement attached to skeletons.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
The Brand New Showering Habits of Al Gore
Al Gore says that he is so 'gun shy' about the masseuse situation that now whenever he takes a shower, he does it with his shirt and pants on.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
The Remarkable Statue of Helen Thomas
Long time White House correspondent Helen Thomas, 90, to get a statue in her honor in Dearborn, Michigan. The slouching statue will be placed in front of the police station.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
You Can Now Get McNuggets At The Old Watergate Hotel
The old, infamous Watergate Hotel has been turned into a political McDonald's. Employees now ask customers, "You want clandestine fries with dat?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Oil Leak Cemented
BP to pump cement into blown-out Gulf oil well. "If she blows now, it'll be from somewhere else down there, might cause tsunami and drown southern Florida, but we're will to take that chance: CEO.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Are The Williams Sisters, Venus and Serena Really Bro's?
Venus and Serena Williams are mad at reports saying the two are really males. Serena spit on the floor, grabbed her crotch, and said that the bulge in their tennis shorts is just kinky hair.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2010
Only The 4th Woman
Senate decides to confirm Judge Kagan as the 4th-ever woman. Millions argue that they are women too.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Naomi Campbell's 'dirty Stones' trial
Old baboon-arse lips told the court today Mick and Keith 'hadn't bathed for weeks' when they were handed to her on a platter by President Taylor!
written by queen mudder, 05 August 2010
Republican National Committee Announces Strategy For November Mid-Term Elections
The RNC will impliment the same strategy that failed them time and again during elections: Presenting themselves as "Democrat Lite", ignoring the base and adding mocking the tea parties. Idiots!
written by SirBeavis, 05 August 2010
The Farts Cut....Arts Cut
British gov't moves to dramatically cut public funding for arts. For instance: Leggo Castle built to original size.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
But My Ears Are Below My Mouth!
Pelosi calling House back into session to vote on her next face lift. Not even Demos speaking to her.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Flush Tax Increase
Maryland's Republican environmentalists want to use the proposed "flush tax" funding increase to clean the State House in Annapolis of all incumbent Democrats, prior to Chesapeake Bay cleanup.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 05 August 2010
None of the Above
Know nothing former Governor Palin endorses a right wing Republican candidate for Maryland governor. Know nothing President Obama endorses the sitting tax & spend governor. What's a sane person to do?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 05 August 2010
Big Brother is Watching
HHS has announced that the current solar storms generate beneficial rays that increase the size of women's breasts. HHS advises all women to go topless for the next two weeks.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 05 August 2010
The New Nanny State
Dingbat supermodel wants a law to force women to breast feed their kids. Obama says "it's ConsTiTutional!" He plans to hire 150,000 boob inspectors & get Congress to squeeze taxpayers for the money!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 05 August 2010
Failed Attack
An attack on Iranian President Ahmadinejad's motorcade, attempting to place a hand grenade in his shorts, has failed! He is still a little prick, anyway!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 05 August 2010
Mars Rover Back On
Houston Space Center jubilant as Mars Rover suddenly comes back on "Yureeka! I've Discovered Gold!"
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Heard It Before
Doctors agree that first time patients request Viagra it's usually followed by, "You know, as back up in that one chance out of ten that I might be a little tired."
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
The Al Gore Foundation
The world's greatest alarmists all excited about Solar Flares and 2012.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Next Generation Named
Latest generation of young people who eat mostly garbage nicknamed the "Fly Generation".
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
Mars Sign
Hubble Telescope spots message on Mars "Titans Are Moon Heads!". Scientists say there might be life on there after all.
written by Bureau, 05 August 2010
