Really Detailed
According to the thorough census, 2010, some had to fill out, most air guitarists sleep with blow-up dolls!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
The Chinese Vote Nazi
China stated that if it could vote for US candidates, they would vote for republicans. President Obama replies: You can't even vote in your own country, so shut up! (More Lead For You!!!)
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Night Before Pill!
The Food & Drug Administration has approved the Night Before pill, just in case. Two hours before might work if you can hold him off!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
I Did A Dumb Thing, I Think
Actress Lindsay Lohan on talk show admits that she is not as smart as she used to be. Blames the constant discovery of new info.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Pluto Planning Revenge
Pluto still down in the dumps. Wants to know who voted it out of the solar system!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Uh Oh!
President Obama: Fewer hurricanes hitting the US shows that my commanding them back out to sea is working.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Can UN Hold The Line?
Afghanistan upgraded to a category 2 all-out civil war! Iraq still a category 1.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Obama girls say it's Bush's fault that First Dog Bo peed on the rug in the Lincoln bedroom.
written by unknown
China Recall #453
China recalls Chinese checkers, say lead in product could cause you to loose your marbles.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Obama blames Bush Administration for his inability to tell the truth in speech to nation about end of Iraq war (where we still have 50,000 active troops).
written by unknown
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Harry Reid says that the Bush Administration responsible for late furniture delivery of his new living room set.
written by unknown
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Pelosi says "Tropical Storm Earl is the fault of the failed Bush policies."
written by unknown
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Obama blames poop stains in his tighty whiteys on prior Bush administration.
written by unknown
Most Still Disagree
Although much more natural and entertaining, breast milk no better than formula maintains scientits....scientists!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
"I'll Fix Her Wagon!"
Man sits in wheelie bin with food for cats trying to lure in cat woman. He's arrested too.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Limbaugh The Conservationist!
Rush Limbaugh says that he is a conservationist. "We run our home in Florida on wind energy and we don't even own a windmill!"
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Need Wind Energy
New poll shows that 75% of Americans would like windmill energy with big windmills place beside the 25% houses!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Fire In The Hole!!
Golfer in Irvine, California sparks a 12-acre fire while hacking out of dry rough!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
No Gas Needed?
Nissan starts selling all-electric Leaf sedan today. Long list of purchasers. Hope to drop price if millions ready to order!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
US Gov. Takes More Every Day!
Poll: Obama's health care law growing even less popular than it already was. Why should people with little money be forced to pay insurance?
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Social Security Broke But Washington Gets Millions
The next few years there will be even more shouts of "Yes We Can"..can get everyone of those suckers out of the White House and congress!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Y=They Couldn't Afford It
The rich in Congress got even richer in 2009, despite the struggles of the U.S. economy. Congress gets millions in retirement, social security poor got zilch in annual raise.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Congress Rich, You're Not
The rich in Congress got even richer in 2009, despite the struggles of the U.S. economy. While the rest of us got handouts.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Earl May Rake, Wreak Coast
Hurricane Earl threatens Labor Day beaches on the east coast. "Who's bright idea was it to name that thing Earl?" ask many. "We all got our 'Earls' and all of them trouble."
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Customers Get All Excited!
Spain breaks up male-prostitute trafficking gang that made most of their money from men after watching bullfights!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Oh, Then That's Different
Proposed pot farm on countryside angers residents until they're given free 'grazing' rights.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Corruption probe ruffles relations !
Corruption probe ruffles US-Afghan relations. "But that is how we do things here for 2,000 years!"
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Pre-Peace Talk Action
Palestinian kills 4 Israelis on eve of peace talks. Israel says they will respond.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
See, It's Love This Time!
$250 Million Power Ball winner says that the money won't change him one bit. Sexy new girlfriend states "You had me at $1 Million".
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Robot Restaurant Still Open
New restaurant in China that serves food that is made by robots & opened last year want to visit Gulf Coast. Say they think they have some great ideas for oily fish!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Gaddafi blackmails Europe and threatens to turn in "Black"
Col.Gadaffi, loony Libyan dictator threatened to let Europe turn "Black" if it doesn't put $500 bilion on his Swiss account. He promised Africans he will part the waves and they believe him!
written by unknown
Missing The Swine Flu
Former victims of Swine Flu wax nostalgic. "I was treated SO special for a whole month, waited on hand and foot...and it only lasted three days."
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Cuba Opening Up?
Fidel Castro says Cuba might open up more if US would include them in the "Clunker for Cash" deal.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Another Draw?
Obama: End of Iraq combat mission not victory lap, especially since we didn't win.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Message From "Society Of Professional Idiots"
Previously unknown group claim they are responsible for Lindsay Lohan's actions.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
"One More Time!!"
Most popular phrase heard during China's recent big road jam? "1500 cars in a jam, 1500 cars in a jam, turn one around, what have you found, 1499 cars in a jam!"
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Poll: Obama Rated Worse than Bush on Hurricane Response
WASHINGTON, DC - A new Gallup poll out yesterday gave a thumbs-down to President Obama's handling of Hurricane Earl.
written by Moose, 31 August 2010
Iraq want George Bush as their new President!
The Iraq population (the insane one's, in other words the majority) have chosen George Bush as their new President. Sadly he can't make it, he's too busy sweeping floors at the local "loony bin"!
written by unknown
British-French Aircraft Carriers
EU MILITARY: Britain, France preparing to share aircraft carriers. French get permission to leave carrier first if attacked.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Fake GW Costing The Country Dearly?
A high-level inquiry into the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found there was "little evidence" for its claims about global warming. You cannot go by info of a couple of decades!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Homelessness Up 50% In NYC
Homelessness Up 50% In New York City due to bad economy, bed bugs!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Troops Not Showing Loyalty
Obama's progress among active-duty service members has been slow. A Military Times poll this year found that a majority disapproved of his leadership as their commander.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Local man mistakes Android for Andrex...
..wipes own arse with smartphone.
written by matthatt, 31 August 2010
It'll Be Here Soon!
'Two more weeks' to load fuel in Iran's nuclear plant. Thought that was two weeks ago!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Washington's Dirty Tricks!
Education secretary urged staff: go to Sharpton rally in DC!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Kerry Richest Lawmaker
John Kerry tops wealthiest lawmakers at $188.6 million. Swift Boaters say it's higher than that!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Auto Sales Down
US Auto Sales May Hit 28-Year Low as Discounts Flop. Economy a wreck!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
America Slipping Fast!
India, Russia, China output higher than the US. Also, Germany, others have lower unemployment.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Earl Gaining Strength!
Hurricane Earl could be first cat 5 in Atlantic since '07. Earl being chased by weather teams who say he's all over the road!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
100 Live Reptiles!
Malaysia uncovers nearly 100 live reptiles in bag. Claims Guinness record for most politicians ever in a big bag!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Kansas Casino Returns Good
In first 8 months, returns good for Kansas casino, bankruptcy lawyers!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Battle Over Battlefield!
Casino proposed near battlefield splits Gettysburg into two warring halves!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Lohan Spills Her Guts
Lohan talks trial, talent, drug use, bed bugs, nuclear arms in Iran, bank bailouts and new Black Hole theory in Vanity Fair!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
More C-Sections
Scientists expect C-section rate to keep rising. Looking into beaming baby out of womb, Star Trek Style!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Banks Keeping Their Money!
Banks post $21.6 billion profit in 2nd quarter. Paying customers only .005% savings really paying off!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Hedging Their Bets
Some states suing feds also claim health subsidies!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
An Original Plan!
Abbas seeks active US mediation in Mideast talks. This has never been tried before!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
We're Under Attack
US grapples with bedbugs, may have to call our whole army home to combat here.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Bed Intruder!
Bed Intruder' songster turning fame into a future. No, this doesn't concern bedbugs.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Consumer Confidence Up A Hair-Bit!
Consumer Confidence inches up in August...well, millimeters up anyway!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
President Honors Troops
Obama to honor troops as Iraq combat mission ends and they enter Afghanistan!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Wirchcraft In Africa #2
Belief in witchcraft widespread in Africa but rejected by Zombies in Haiti.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Witchcraft In Africa
Belief in witchcraft widespread in Africa...everywhere else.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
"I'll Offer You Half!"
Home prices jump 5% in 17 cities in June! However, still few buyers.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Earl Is a Pearl!
Earl threatens US Coast after bitch-slapping Caribbean!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Ancient Elinglish Fields
Parched English fields reveal ancient sites. "It shows us that 2,000 years ago, these fields were also parched", reports authority 'in the field'.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Just Some Innocent Harrassing
WikiLeaks founder questioned by Swedish police as Norway, Finland await their turn.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Sept 11th Coming Up!
US investigates potential terrorist test run after airport arrests.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Natural, Unnatural Bedbugs
US grapples with bedbugs, misuse of pesticides. Search for insects reveals CIA, FBI bugs for last and present Gov. Administrations.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Murkowski Through?
Is Alaska's Murkowski Finished? He's been locked in the bathroom for 45 minutes!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Mexico Captures Drug Lord
Mexico captures reported drug lord 'the Barbie'. Now looking for "The Ken" of "The Barbie".
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Chicago Crime #2
Behind Chicago's high-crime summer: persistent street gang violence, especially the "Out-Of-Work Actuary Angels".
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Chicago Crime High The Summer
Behind Chicago's high-crime summer: persistent street gang violence, especially "The Out-Of-Work CPA Cutthroats"
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Barbie To Be Grilled
Mexico captures reported drug lord 'the Barbie' "We've caught the little shrimp. Now we'll grill him!"
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Altered Fish #5
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide to take a gamble on "carp-sharks".
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Altered Fish #4
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide. Customer's ordering lower priced if they all begin tasting alike.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Altered Fish OK? #3
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide. Of course, some already altered by spilled oil.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Altered Fish #2
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide. Some say that their sea bass tastes like corn.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Altered Fish Ok?
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide as many say that catfish beginning to taste like chicken.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Hair Insured For $1Million!
Football star Troy Polamalu's hair insured for $1 million. Staying away from ticket scalpers!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
The Beck Crowd!
Glenn Beck rally sparks debate over crowd size. FOX claims one million, CNN says that Beck was all alone.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Bedbugs Out Of Control?
US grapples with bedbugs, misuse of pesticides has made them into super bugs!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Earl In A Twirl
Hurricane Earl threatens US Coast after hitting Caribbean, sucking up all the rum in Jamaica!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Time To Get Shot
Time to get your flu shot, but just one this year. Take your choice which flu you're trying to avoid. See Vegas odd-makers!
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Dirty Politics As Usual, Nothing's Changed
Obama staff members admit they sent people to attend Al Sharpton Rally in Washington, to increase numbers.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Left Us In A Mess!
Iraqi Citizens Angry After U.S. Combat Troop Withdrawal! Blame President Obama for not completing the job.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Pakistan Falling Apart
Petraeus: Afghan concern about Pakistan is legit. It could be falling apart and it's nuclear weapons fall into the hands of radicals. "But let's pretend that will never happen."
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Might Be Aiming For The Northeast US!
Earl, the first redneck hurricane threatens US Coast after hitting Caribbean.
written by Bureau, 31 August 2010
Balls slams soapy brothers
Ed Balls says he has mixed feelings about his name in the headlines
written by matthatt, 31 August 2010
The Williams Sisters, Venus and Serena Are Gonna Be Fit To Be Tied
The Williams sisters Venus and Serena are both getting so fat that tennis officials are considering asking them to please dress in raincoats.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2010
"Hey Hon, Do The Chopsticks Taste A Little Funny To You?"
China denies rumors that chopsticks manufactured in China contain lead. A representative for the Chinese government said that there is no lead in the chopsticks...a little mercury yes, but no lead.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2010
The Amish People Are Tremendously Upset With One Particular Teen
Police were recently called to an Amish community in Altoona, Pennsylvania. It seems one of the Amish youths had gone berserk and was saying things like fa shizzle ma nizzle, bling bling, and yo ho.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2010
Delaware Has No More Homeless People And The Interesting Way They Accomplished That Little Feat
The state of Delaware is proud to say that they no longer have any homeless people hanging around on street corners. The state gathered them all up and shipped them by U-Haul trailer to New Jersey.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2010
William Penn Was One Hellacious Quaker Oats Eating Dude
Everyone knows that William Penn invented Quaker Oats Cereal, but hardly anyone knows that he also invented the penncil, which was later misspelled pencil.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2010
Time to face the music
Recipient of world's first face transplant finally snaps after six years, rips face off surgeon responsible for the bloated, droopy visage.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 August 2010
He's a real doll
US-born drug kingpin Edgar Valdez Villarreal, alias "the Barbie," will likely resemble his anatomically incorrect plastic namesake once Mexican authorities finish with him.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 August 2010
Satan's spawn
Pacific Salmon Commission expects a whopping 25 million sockeye salmon will return to Canada's West coast -- the worst since a 1913 run in which 13 salmon counters succumbed to mental exhaustion.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 August 2010
Screaming Dean Mouths-Off Again
Howard Dean calls Glenn Beck a "racist, hate monger." This statement comes from a man that shot himself in the foot, screaming his way out of being the Democratic Party's presidential candidate!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Points Of View
Imam blames politics for mosque dispute. 320 million Americans blame Islamic terrorists for causing September 11, 2001. President Obama blames "man-caused disasters" for causing September 11, 2001.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Obama Adds Recipients to Social Security
Individuals who register with the federal government as "Looney Tunes" will be able to collect SS benefits at age 60. This group includes rabid environmentalists, animal rights activists and vegans!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Next Hurricane Named Barack
Press Secretary Gibbs said NOAA names the next hurricane Barack. The storm spins to the left (CCW), has high winds, lots of hot air, not knowing where it is going & screws up everything in its path.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Obama's Apology Complex Explained
President Obama's high school yearbook nicknames him "the apologizer." Each time bullies pushed his face into tomato soup, beef stew or he got a pie thrown in his face he would apologize!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Obama Does it Again to the USA
A US DoS report to the UN references Arizona's illegal immigrant law as a human rights violation. Do other countries, beheadings, stonings & treating women as slaves pass UN human rights muster?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
President Obama's Political Rhetoric
Obama wants Senate action on a small business bill. Aside from the pork Democrats have added to the bill, didn't the president see the Senate is not in session when he made his recess appointments?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Car Window Stickers to Contain New Information
EPA/DOT proposal for 2012 vehicle sticker data requires posting fuel efficiency, emissions, energy costs & energy consumption. Bureaucrats march on, no worries about the economy, 9.5% unemployment!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
EPA Files to become a Church
EPA files a 501 C(3) form to become a Church, as environmentalism has become a religion among rabid environmentalists. EPA would now be non-profit, needing to fund raise vice getting taxpayer money!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
Where You can Put the Lead
EPA tells anti-gun and anti-hunting groups the agency has no jurisdiction to ban lead in ammunition. National Rifle Association then tells these loony groups where they can put the lead!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 August 2010
