Too Many Disinfectants
Disinfectants Cause Some Bacteria to Adapt, Thrive, Star in TV commercials as cute little cartoon versions...FROM HELL!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Right Back At You
Illinois man tired of looking at big windmill for energy on neighbor's property installs one toward his. Could cause small tornado.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Taxes Everywhere
CA OKs 20% rate hike for Blue Cross; Blue Shield to jump as much as 29%. Number of middle-class residents leaving the state at 10%!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Could It Have Been Us?
Co-chair of Obama debt panel: Social Security is 'milk cow with 310 million tits!' Obama wants to know who thought it up in the first place!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Halifax Bank Losing Billions Thanks to Daft Radio Idea
You've seen the adverts and it's why Halifax Bank have lost billions during 2010. They're seemingly too busy trying to run a dull radio station using middle class idiots in suits than running a bank.
written by Jeremy Paxman, 26 August 2010
Next In Line: Yemen!
Bin Laden's bodyguard warns of escalation in Yemen. "That's where the UN/US may have to go next.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Taliban Spirit is revised as US troops pull out ?
Well I guess the president of Afghanistan has just stated that the Taliban is happy to hear US Troops will be pulling out soon and its free opium for everyone until Mexico takes our Social Security ?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 26 August 2010
Elton/Lambert Duo!
Elton John stated today that he is available for more $1 Million dollar weddings. Be sure to catch his latest, "Take This Job & Shove It", with Adam Lambert!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Vatican Gets Serious About Priest Molesting Kids!
The Vatican has issued a new "No Tail-Gaiting" policy to all priests. "I'm tired of this! Scrub up the old Iron Maiden".
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Wall Street Down
Dow Jones drops below 10,000! Three jumpers drop below third, fourth floors.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Wish They Would Quit That!
Scientists in the jungles of Brazil have apparently discovered a new species of frog that are large as Army tanks. Never mind. Just another trick those "Lost Tribes" are trying to pull once again!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
YOU Could Be Spiderman
Scientists say people could soon be able to stick to buildings like Spiderman by wearing special gloves and shoes. But warn about coming out of shoes at the 10th floor.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Aniston Tries Lying?
Jennifer Aniston is under attack from a disability group for using the word "retard" in a TV interview. "I meant that they had retired."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
3D TV Soon!
Sony working on glasses-free 3D TVs but say so far, only alcohol in glass produces the effect!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
More Toyota Troubles
Japanese car maker Toyota has announced it is recalling 1.13 million of its Corolla vehicles in the United States because of an engine fault. Tends to break from frame & fall on the highway!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Lohan Back On The Road!
Lindsay Lohan is back behind the wheel just two days after completing her sentence for a DUI conviction. Look or an update for your GPS system to keep up with where she's driving.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
"I Knew It Was Something We Forgot!"
Police had an easy job identifying a naked couple who broke into a house and filmed themselves having sex - because they left the camera behind.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Twilight Eclipse Eclipsed!
'Eclipse' beaten as top summer film as Toy Story 3 brought in more money! Now if Toy Story 4 can include vampires?
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Reporter's Dream #4
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause everyone's ears to flap!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Reporters Dream #3
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause earths rotation to spin into next week. Better grab onto something, someone big!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Reporters Dream #2
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause cause everyone to duck!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Reporters Dream
Astronomers say that newly discovered meteorite will come close enough to the earth to cause headlines for many years to come.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
How About Victims?
Mothers' group outraged after their Facebook campaign to expose paedophiles is removed from the internet. Told that that would be offending them!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Man Barks Dog!
Man driven mad by dog's barking plays back recording to neighbour at full blast at 3am!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
"Don't Mess With Texas!"
Texas fights global-warming power grab Lone Star state won't participate in Obama's lawless policy!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Kim Doing Visiting
NKorea's Kim visits China. Says he would love to come to the US to see "The Lion King" on Broadway.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Best Not To Think About It! How About Those Yankees?
One in 10 mortgage holders face foreclosure. "We're heading into depression numbers", says depressed economist!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Let's Spend Some More
BIDEN READY FOR MORE SPENDING: 'This is a chance to do something big, man! What's a hundred trillion?
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Terrorist Offenses
Canadian police arrested two people on Wednesday in relation to what they called "terrorist offenses" and said they expect to make further arrests. "We once did that here", states sarcastic Senator.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Mexico Increases Pay
Mexico state to boost pay of state police, amount of their life insurance policies.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Talk About Male Chauvinism
A conservative Saudi cleric was told to stop giving unauthorized edicts after he called for a boycott of a supermarket chain that employs women as cashiers. "Women are for sex & babies!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
It Never Happened?
The Auschwitz memorial says it has obtained around 150 medical instruments believed to have been used by the Nazis in experiments on death camp inmates. Some from Iran, which says it never happened!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Iran Bans TV Opposition
Reports: Iran bars local coverage of opposition. Sort of like our news networks here!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Karzai Criticizes US Encouraging Taliban
President Hamid Karzai said that Obama plans to start withdrawing troops from Afghanistan next year had boosted the Taliban's spirits. "They will never give up now!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Not That Carter
Carter in NKorea in bid to release jailed American. Asked if he had "Little liver pills" Kim saw ads for on old B&W cartoons.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Taliban Murderers Of Their Own
Pakistani Taliban hint at attacks on aid workers trying to help their people stay alive. Real charmers, these guys.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Very Small Exoplanet
Experts: Exoplanet could be smallest ever found. Even smaller that one that began rotating around Kirstie Alley's ass!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Or Oily Sunbathers Taken A Dip!
New microbe discovered eating oil spill in Gulf but also oily fish. Many hoping they won't develop taste for fish.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Stimulus Not Working
FACT CHECK: Stimulus assessments overly optimistic? Most would say so, since it hasn't helped anything yet.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
College Funding Down
Colleges see prospective donors among new students. Ask them to volunteer to work traffic lights taking up donations.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Colleges Badly Needing Funds
First-year college students may get better grades if parents up the tuition a bit?
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
College Freshmen Asked To Give To College
On a growing number of campuses, first-year students are hearing another message. Please give. Not for tuition, but instead as a young donor. So far, only a few extra beer kegs to resale.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
May Need Rangers Against Drug Violence On Border
State obscures elite Texas Rangers' border work. Shows old black & white TV show, "These Are Tales Of Texas Rangers!"
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Sea Less Risky
Migrants turn to the sea to enter US illegally, trying to avoid being shot on the border...by the Mexican Drug Cartel!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Behold the awesome power of the fire tornado !
Ten times worse than regular tornado, Tasmanian she devil!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Pakistan Gets Help From US, Maybe
Pakistan floods threaten 3 towns as levee fails. US sends Core of Engineers to help.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Kim Educates Chinese Schoolteachers
NKorea's Kim visits Chinese school, teachers say. Shows kids his favorite SpongeBob episodes.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Restaurants scramble after massive egg recall!
Several buying chickens and building coops in the back parking lot.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Egg Storm Already Hitting!
Restaurants scramble after massive egg recall as 'egg substitute' causing no tips from customers!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Egg Shortage Already Hitting Restaurants
Restaurants scramble after massive egg recall. Many up north get grits substitute thrown across the room.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Uses Air Guitar and Karaoke
Senator McConnell: U.S. is at a crossroads. Goes into the old Cream version of the song.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Man vs. Nature: Why Floods Still Win?
For one thing, say experts, they're a lot bigger than we are.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Pretty But Deadly?
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia including plate-sized spiders that ran photographers off.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
New Sea Life Discovered
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia like man-sized Creature From The Black Lagoon!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Trapped Chile Miners Must Exercise Daily!
Miners' deep motivation: Stay slim or stay in mine. Exercising daily will be required or you won't slip through opening.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Drug cartel Massacre?
Drug cartel suspected in massacre of 72 migrants. US may soon need overseas troops here on our borders.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
No Insurance In Between One Closing, Gov. Start-Ups
The First Victims of Health Care Reform? You and the small insurance company that has served you.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Several Insurance Companies To Close
The First Victims of Health Care Reform: The people employed in Insurance companies being laid off!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Traffic Jam Disappears
China's epic traffic jam 'vanished'. People were ordered to leave vehicles and David Copperfield appeared, say locals.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Chinese Traffic Jam Gone Overnight #2
The huge 11-day traffic jam in China disappeared during the night. UFO's seen again over the country.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Chinese Traffic Jam Gone Overnight
China's epic traffic jam 'vanished'. However, huge used car lot suddenly appears.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Stimulous Changed Us Alright
How the Stimulus Is Changing America! Buried both our generation in debt plus the next three!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
However, Burrito Tornado Never Caught On Film, Just Lungs
Behold the awesome power of the fire tornado. Video shows that they really exist!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
There He Is!
Would-be purse snatcher thwarted by his own photobomb as criminal caught in the family photo being shot!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Cameron's Baby "Florence" Named After "Florence and the Machine"
David & Samantha Cameron have confirmed they named their latest offspring after their favourite group; Florence & the Machine. "We were shagging to FATM when we conceived so it was a natural choice"
written by Jeremy Paxman, 26 August 2010
Egg Recall Scramble
Restaurants in a mad scramble after massive egg recall!
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Ground Zero, A Pretty Large Area
Ground zero's boundaries evolve in mosque debate as everyone you talk to seems to have a different idea of where exactly IS Ground Zero?
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Mosque Debate Continues
Tone of mosque debate worries NY archbishop. If there is another terrorist attack, this mosque will be the first target of revenge.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Call Our Specialists Here!
Pakistan floods threaten 3 towns as levee fails. When WILL these countries build levees strong enough to hold the water back?
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Afghan pregnancy rate soars as UK bomb experts neutralise thousands of IUDs
'Ooops' say Ministry of Defence.
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
Porn star found buried under patio
'He's hardcore' say police. More soon.
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
Stig apologises after putting Clarkson into wall at 180mph
"If the bricklayer's upset, I'm sorry."
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
Minority whipped
Muslims say Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., KY) should replace House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R., VA) effective immediately, at least in a manner of speaking.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 August 2010
Wife files for divorce from incontinent husband
He was 'given to sudden outbursts' she tells judge...
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
John Terry regains Captain's armband after promise to 'tie a knot in it'
A leading London urinary tract specialist 'advises against it'.
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
Michael Jackson: Final Autopsy Report released
"He died of 'kid-on-knee failure'" says Report.
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
You're kidding, right?
On Sunday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., Ky.) suggested supporters of Manhattan's Ground Zero mosque should be rounded up and placed in internment camps.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 August 2010
Cameron: 'No going back' as nuclear fuel rod inserted into Clegg
Doctors describe the Deputy Prime Minister's condition as 'critical'. More soon...
written by pinxit, 26 August 2010
You forgot someone
"We strongly support the attorneys general desire to end trafficking in children and women," says media spokesperson for Craiglists. Male prostitution apparently still okay - I'm outta here!
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 August 2010
Life imitates unreality
Spencer Pratt annoyed as Heidi Montag sends divorce papers to her attorney to have him rewrite them "one more time" in hopes of attaining the perfect settlement.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 August 2010
Kittens to feature prominently in next Al-Qaeda Video
Al Qaeda sees Youtube video views dropping. Next video to feature two tabby kittens with Bin Laden hissing at maps of Turkey and Israel.
written by ronin47empire, 26 August 2010
The pen drive is Also mightier than the sword
Wikileaks ignores Pentagon,posts CIA document saying US exportin terror-
There you go-Proof-the pen drive is Also mightier than the sword.
written by ronin47empire, 26 August 2010
Facebook creating new portal for dogs
Facebook working on adapting itself to canine users-
Renaming
Like to Lick,
Unlike to Unlick,
mouse to cat,
Comment to bark, etc
written by ronin47empire, 26 August 2010
Mississippi oysters not safe to eat
Set to be replaced by Bob Dudley Oct. 1, BP CEO Tony Hayward tries to book going-away party at Biloxi Oyster Shack, gets chased out by staff armed with oyster shuckers.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 August 2010
Fresh eggs from recall farms to be pasteurized, processed
Experts say be on the lookout for a recall of pasteurized, processed egg products later this fall.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 August 2010
No Kidding
Former President Jimmy Carter is going to North Korea to be part of a prisoner exchange!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Tiger's Divorce Settlement
Tiger Woods divorce settlement with his wife was very generous, but at least he gets to keep his balls!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
What's in a Name
There is a debate over President Obama being a Muslim. There is no debate that the Reverend Al Sharpton's actions designate him as a buffoon!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
New Democratic Political Tactic
President Obama and the Democratic liberal left are now blaming former Republican President Calvin Coolidge for the failure of the current US economic recovery!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Thank You Mother Nature
Gulf of Mexico oil eating microbes send a message to the EPA asking for some vinegar and salad to go with all the oil they are consuming!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Always Getting it Wrong
Anonymous "find me a person who always gets it wrong and I will make you rich by doing the opposite."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
And the Winner Is
The Democratic National Committee and President Obama both receive Emmy nominations for the most original creative written/oral fiction of the 2010 mid-term elections!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Kiss and Make Up
You think your city has problems. A "personal fight" between Sunni and Shiite factions in Beirut Lebanon resulted in the firing of rocket propelled grenades and machine guns at each other!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Hooters Management is out to Lunch
A Michigan judge gives the go-ahead for lawsuits by two ex-Hooter's waitresses, who say they were fired because of their weight. Doesn't Hooter's management know what the patrons were looking at?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Tina Fey for Vice President in 2012
Tina Fey may be President Obama's running mate in 2012. The president needs someone with a sense of humor. If elected, Tina Fey's Secret Service designation will be "Sarah Palin!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 26 August 2010
Eskimo Arrive In Florida
Over 100 Eskimo arrive in Pensacola, Florida on shrinking floating iceberg. Wanted to get away from oil smell in Alaska. No one yet has the heart to tell them about the Gulf.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Obamas Returning From Vacation
Obamas say they enjoyed vacation in Martha's Vineyard and got to meet some of the Kennedy clan, old friends, Tareq and Michaele Salahi.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Al Gore Losing It!
Friends of Al Gore concerned over his health since split-up with Tipper. Friend: "He told me an identity thief hand stolen his money out of a Nigerian bank and that his penis pills never arrived."
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
Background Too Big
Attorneys hired by Democrats to dig further into Sarah Palin's background check have never reported back. Last seen wandering woods in Alaskan wilderness.
written by Bureau, 26 August 2010
