Cheese fumes kill Belgians
Brussels lorry driver Franck Clocktower ploughs into bus stop killing 347 Belgians after being overwhelmed by the fumes of his cargo of cheese.
written by breezeblock, 16 August 2010
Pickles donates neck fat to African tribe
Eric Pickles, who recently underwent cosmetic liposuction to remove loose neck fat, was so moved by a documentary of the Etonia tribe in Mali that he decided to gift them his surgical off-cuts.
written by breezeblock, 16 August 2010
Just Like The Bear!
Actor David Hasselhoff freed from having a plastic jar stuck over his head.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Mel Still Not Well
Mel Gibson, involved in single car crash in Malibu, calls the 'other driver' a 'black Jew'.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Bob, Stick With Music! Write Chronicles II
Dylan to unveil new paintings in Denmark. Get your money and your refrigerator ready.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
KilPatrick Dies At 89
Columnist, wordsmith James Kilpatrick dies at 89! Well, hecky dern!
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
All Others, OK!
French to Fine Shirtless Tourists, if they are male!
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Barack Mohammed Obama?
OBAMA FLASHBACK: Arabic call to prayer 'one of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset'. How about the sound of two towers falling?
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
City Under Seige
CITY under SIEGE: 1 in 10 NewYorkers with BEDBUGS! "If anyone starts that 'Night, night, sleep tight..' I'll wring his beep neck!", says one who's apartment is infested.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Iran Plans Third Nuclear Plant
Iran plans third enrichment plant, after Israel blows up the first two.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Major Dog Show
Lady who's show poodle suddenly tears the seat out of her dress at Dog Event given the blue ribbon for "Best In Show".
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Gay Mirages
Those against the gay marriages this week prefer to call them "Gay Mirages".
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Can't Recall Much
Man on plane that landed safely on herd of sheep says that it's all still a little woolly to him.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Pilot Appears Sheepish In Interview
Another miracle as pilot safely lands his damaged plane in a herd of sheep. Only three passengers injured from rocks thrown by sheepherder.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Obama Takes Time Off
President Obama to take some time off vacationing and fundraising in a few weeks to do some 'Presidenting'.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Neanderthals Ate Finger Sandwiches
Scientists now say that Neanderthal's ate first sandwiches. Placed meat between two slices of meat, sometimes ate hand by mistake.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Recession #3?
Economists now fear triple-dip recession after realizing we're already in #2 up to our ass.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Tripper: Complete Accident
Justice Scalia unhurt after he tripped over Obama supporter outside restaurant in "Chicago" type politics.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Mosque Again
White House: politics no role in mosque remarks. Survivors: "That's what you think!"
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Evil Knievil plans to jumb across Angelina Jolie's Vagina.
Friends and family beg the stunt junky not to do it. Evil's best friend says. So many people have lost their career's, and lives attempting this feat, that nothing good can come out of this.
written by High Higgler, 16 August 2010
Knew He Had One
Kid touring White House finds book, "Presidents Shit List" on floor but grabbed immediately by guards.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Double-Dip Recession
I'm not confident there won't be a double-dip recession, says outgoing Treasury watchdog chief Alan Budd. "Double-dipping could also lead to many diseases & their spreading."
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Monty Python Episode?
Police told not to pursue stolen motorbikes... because thieves weren't wearing helmets and might get hurt. Comedy of 1970's turn into reality in 2010.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Don't Raise Our Liquids!
Food prices soar by up to 58% in just three years. "Just as long as drinks are stable", say many.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Fake Homeless Being Paid
It beggars belief: How the fake homeless are raking in more than £20,000 a year, as they sneak back into homes at night.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Taxpayers Helping Prostitutes
Councils pay for disabled to visit prostitutes and lap-dancing clubs from £520m taxpayer fund. Man cuts off own foot to get in.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Standoff
Woman in suicide stand-off with police at Bitchy Head after Ferrari-driving husband is found bludgeoned to death. Sorry, that should be "Beachy Head"
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Bring Your Own!
Back to School? Bring Your Own Toilet Paper! Schools cutting budgets, farts.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Too Busy Right Now!
Jobless millions signal death of American dream for many. "I'll address that right after vacation and 30-day fundraising dinners", says President.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
House To Cut Food Stamps
House to cut food stamps to fund Mrs. Obama's 'let's move' initiative. "Tell her we are moving somewhere with food", states former supporter.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Next, Our 21st!
Iran official announces building of 20th new nuke site. Receives severe warning from the UN.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Obama's Still Vacationing
A boat ride and ice cream cap Obama's trip to Gulf. Former BP CEO asks him to visit yacht any time, "Since you're doing little else."
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Cameron Celebrates Birthday
James Cameron to celebrate his birthday underwater or at least, under the influence of liquids.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Teen Sex Performance Studied
Teen sex not always bad for school performance, although inexperience causing many to get a bad grade in Sex Education.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
WikiLeaks Threaten Pentagon?
WikiLeaks says it won't be threatened by Pentagon. That was four days ago. No word since.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
You Can Trust Us
Advanced military satellite launches into orbit. Military promises not to peek over Iran.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Can't Beer Conference Forever!
AP-GfK polls show Obama losing independents, democrats out of work.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Obama Raising Funds Again
Obama launching 30 days of fundraising travel. Most telling him to go back to Washington and be a President for awhile! We need jobs.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Longer Sentences Requested
Longer sentence sought for Khmer Rouge convict as judge asked to add on another 100 years.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Pssst Diamond Discount!
World diamond trading group bans Zimbabwe stones as Zimbabwe heads for eBay sales.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
What Are The Kids Doing Today, Ms Burk?
Teen sex not always bad for school performance, unless parents drop in for a visit.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
People Donating Sperm For Many Offspring!
Sperm-donor offspring seek rights and respect as he discovers that his daddy was Bernie Madoff.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Bad Time For Shrimpers
La. shrimpers worry about prices for new season, oil wells suddenly exploding underneath their boats.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Japan Knocked Out Of #2
China overtakes Japan in 2Q as No. 2 economy. Japanese workers told, "To get back to #2, you will have to shit and get it!"
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Works Both Ways
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. At 7 AM this morning, 50% of all city cops were in doughnut shops.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Before You Step In It
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Henry Gibson family notified that guy two houses down is allowing his dog to shit in your yard again.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
TV Is Blaise!
Broadcast audience aging faster than population. Most younger people on their phones, computers.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Obama Now Fundraising
Obama launching 3 days of fundraising travels, then two more vacations, more fundraisers as Biden runs the country.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Dirty Campaign
Insults abound in 2010 campaigns by candidates and their mothers!
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
2010 Campaigns Nasty
Insults abound in 2010 campaigns, as bunch of assholes cut loose!
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Japan Doing Number 2!
China overtakes Japan in 2Q as No. 2 economy. Honking 10,000,000 horns for US to move aside.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Hooked On It For Their Cars!
La. shrimpers worry about prices for new season, unless the public like the taste of a tad of oil.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Even Hot In Maine
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Mrs Johnson of Portsmouth, Maine needs to know that neighbor hiding watches her sun bath.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Teen Sex At School
Teen sex not always bad for school performance, if done between classes or in study hall.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Sort Of Distracting
Study: Teen sex not always bad for school performance, unless it's during tests.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
If They Build It, Will It Stand?
Hamas leader: Ground zero mosque must be built. Hezbollah, al-Qaids, Taliban, Obama agree.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Pod May Open Soon
Thousands flock to see asteroid pod in Japan, anticipating whom pod will look like. Will it be Hirohito?
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Pods In Japan
Thousands flock to see asteroid pod in Japan, anticipating whom pod will look like.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Michelle Informed
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. President spotted smoking half a pack of cigarettes outside near Rose Garden.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Those Cats Were Rocking
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Latest night photos show that we need to expect a lot of kittens soon.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
No Walls Overhead
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Nudist colonies complaining.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Smile!
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. This could be your mug shot.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Lockerbie Families Join 911 Mosque Protesters
Lockerbie families raise new questions over bomber. He should have been dead and rotting by now. So we were told.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Ground Zero Mosque
Hamas leader: Ground zero mosque must be built. "If you built it, we will come."
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Hamas Joins Obama
Hamas leader: Ground zero mosque must be built. Listen to your President.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Progress In Afghanistan
Petraeus: Time is key for progress in Afghanistan. Film rerun from this time last year.
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
The One With 13
Old lady escorted by social workers from London apartment. "Okay, I admit it: More than sixteen cats may be a bit excessive. What if I give one to my neighbor downstairs? She'll never know it."
written by Bureau, 16 August 2010
Nation Experiences Extreme Water Shortage
Polluted water runoff prevention schemes that rabid environmentalists got states to make mandatory causing extreme water shortages. States advise people to use beer & wine for drinking & showering!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
He had a Dream
OBAMA: Mr. President, per your orders, we just took out all of Iran's A bomb making capabilities. Obama elected by a landslide in 2012. MICHELLE: Wake up Barack you're having those dreams again!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
Scotch on the Rocks
A bag of ice was found next to the crate of Mackinlay's Scotch whisky buried in the Antarctic ice for a century. Gee whiz, ice machines and ATMs are found everywhere!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
Political Heredity
Democratic liberal left wing loons are descended from 1960's hippies. When something feels or sounds good, they force the item on everybody else regardless if it passes US Constitutional muster.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
Get the Wax Out of Your Ears
When Congress returns from their vacation they are all scheduled to have hearing tests. Their constituents told them to listen or they will have to find new jobs after the November elections!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
Powerball to the People
President Obama wins a Powerball jackpot of $500 million, plans to keep all of it. DOJ sues as the president is government employee, Congress wants to spend it and the IRS wants to tax it!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
NBC TV Introduces its New Fall Lineup
Looking for a winner NBC debuts "Celebrity Nude Mud Wrestling" to compete with those cable TV wrestling programs. The first show will feature Rosie O'Donnell verses Ann Coulter (negotiations pending)!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
CBS to Remake the Beverly Hillbillies TV Series
The Beverly Hillbillies starring Mel Gibson (Jed Clampett); Lindsay Lowhan (Elly May Clampett); Paris Hilton (Jane Hathaway) & Britney Spears (Granny) debuts in the fall! Other roles remain open.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
ABC TV Reorganizes Programming
The two ABC TV series Young Cops and Grey's Anatomy are to be combined, allowing the responding police officers to perform surgery right at the crime scene as needed!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
Dumb and Dumber
If the Bush administration was economically dumb then the current Obama administration is extremely economically dumber, excuse me for not being PC, extremely fiscally challenged.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
President Obama to Be Interviewed On Fox News Channel
Fox News Channel executives were seen buying out shoe stores in NYC in accordance with Noshing Mink's spoof story "People of New York to throw shoes at Obama over Ground Zero mosque decision!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
Neigh Saying
Obama administration's dismal economic track record has the US economy possibly sliding into a double-dip recession with high unemployment. If this administration were a horse it would be dog food!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 16 August 2010
