One In Twelve Babies Illegal Immigrants
1 in 12 US Births From Illegal Immigrants. "They're trying to screw us out of here", states border citizen.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Economy Bottoms Up
Nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the economy has yet to hit bottom, a sharply higher percentage than the 53% who felt that way in January."I'd sure like to kick You-Know-Who's bottom!"
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Two-Thirds: Economy Not Hit Bottom
Nearly two-thirds of Americans believe the economy has yet to hit bottom, a sharply higher percentage than the 53% who felt that way in January. But 500,000 lost jobs can change a lot of opinions.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Those Old Rascals!
Police crack down on mobility scooter mayhem as drunk and drug-driving pensioners doing 8 mph are a menace to society!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
What's A Bimbo?
Study shows that a young lady wearing make up and tight shorts do not make that girl a bimbo. They are considered a bimbo when they go around without them!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
It's George Again!
George Michael charged with drugs possession and driving under the influence after SEVENTH car incident. Causes cops car to wreck on the way to jail.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Drug Firm Supported Advisors
Third of WHO advisers on the swine flu epidemic that never was received support from drugs firms. So THAT'S what all the messages were about.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Weather Chaos!
What's behind the weather chaos? Read Paul the Octopus' new book "Better Grow Some Gills" at all independent bookstores.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Millions Approved
Millions approved for border security! It'll be hard for illegal immigrants to squeeze through millions.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
It's TheVotes That Count
Black farmers involved in discrimination case are questioning why Obama promised aid for large-scale farmers in South while their case is held up in political wrangling. Big farmers means big money!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Bailed Out The Wrong Country
Conservatives reacted sharply Thursday to reports that tens of billions in TARP bailout money flowed out of the United States and into the coffers of big banks in France & Germany.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
CPAP Wearer Mistaken For Alien
CPAP wearer shot in eastern Kentucky. Police find body of "Alien" stuffed and mounted over fireplace. "Theys look a lot like us exceppin' the head."
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Wasn't Free After All
Drunk driver in Illinois says he got high off the fumes of car in front that run on gasohol. Asked why he didn't pass, he answered, "Hey, free high!"
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
John: I'm Not A Mouthpiece For The Left
So why did Elton John sing at rightwing U.S. broadcaster Rush Limbaugh's wedding? $1 Million helped, plus look at all the free publicity.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
California In Trouble
California can't pay bills -- may use IOUs for August payments. Other states: We can do that?
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Nude Vacations!
Travel survey finds more Americans willing to try nude beach vacation if offered at low costs, high fences.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Once Again, Totally Unexpected
Homes lost to foreclosure up 6% from last year. Obama's answer: Keep throwing money into it!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Totally Unexpected Once Again
Jobless claims unexpectedly increase for the sixth straight month, to 484,000.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Explaining Health Law
With many in dark, groups explain health care law "as soon as WE understand it. We're over a third of they way there!"
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Son Of Quayle
Dan Quayle's son blasts Obama as 'worst president ever'. Says he's turned a democracy into a socialist country. Spells potato correctly!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Too Many Kid's Stories
Senator Dick Durbin undergoes surgery for small turban. Sorry, that should have been tumor. Read the kids too many Dr Seuss.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
No Use Sitting Up Late!
Meteor shower to light up skies tonight won't be as many nor as bright as usual, predicts Paul The Octopus.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Brazilian Airforce refuse to send captured UFO's to Area 51
Brazil has ordered it's airforce to register or capture any UFO seen flying near the Favelas. Also they must not send it to Area 51 because Brazil claim they only come to see Jesus hovering over Rio!
written by unknown
Gov. Workers Paid Double
Federal workers earning double their private counterparts as Gov. prints extra money on Thursdays before Friday paychecks.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Fish Dead Of Stress?
Tens Of Thousands Of Dead Fish Wash Ashore In NJ. "Probably panicked after reports from Gulf", says expert.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Traveling Fishers Of Gov. Cash!
BP may be paying out millions in oil spill compensation to fraudsters, some of the same that stole Katrina money.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Pass The Word!
PAPER: Obama 'may be prepared to meet Iranian president', bring report back to Charles Manson.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
DC Catches The Weather Plague
Severe Weather Catches DC Region Off-Guard; Rescues Underway.
"You would expect the nation's capitol to be treated better", says President.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Saggy Pants Issue
Montgomery, Alabama City Council hopeful raises sagging pants issue. "We'll try to use suspenders", says Council.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Deep Fried Sticks Of Butter
The Hoosier family behind last year's chocolate-covered bacon at the Indiana State Fair is at it again. "We'll kill everybody before we're through.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
First One Thing Then Another
Space station astronauts take 2nd crack at repairs. Also, take 2nd repair mission to close crack.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Are You Ready For Some Hot Decades?
This summer's deadly heat in the East and South could be a preview of summers to come over the next few decades, once again, according to Paul the Octopus.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Something's Wrong Here
Scientists at a site in Ethiopia find 3.4 million-year-old cut marks that they say prove our human ancestors used tools, 1.1 million years before tools invented.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
American Going To NKorea
American boy plans N. Korea trip to pitch peace idea, but just in case, he's wearing Foghorn Leghorn outfit.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Stress Producing Less!
Stress may make women less likely to get pregnant, study shows. Also stress may make men too tired to try.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
B-Z On The Border
House approves more agents, drones, workers & Queen on Mexican border.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Smog Finally Lifting
Smoke-shrouded Moscow gets welcome break from smog with giant hailstorm!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
No Anti-Terrorist Ads Allowed
UK bans offensive Anti-Terrorist Hotline radio ads. Pronounce Pro-Terrorists OK for now.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Ariz. Ties MLB Record
Arizona ties MLB record with 4 straight HRs. Fifth batter decked!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Jellyfish Flotilla Too Late
Flotilla of stinging jellyfish hit Spanish beaches, looking for Michelle but she had escaped.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
David Wolper Dead
David Wolper, producer of 'Roots,' goes back to his roots, at 82.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Specialists Report In
Doctor says Anna Nicole had chronic pain syndrome before her death. Didn't bother her afterward.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Hilton Sued
Paris Hilton sued for $35M for wearing wrong hair! After big fight in her dressing room.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Fossil Studies Revealing
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. Also, big saber toothed tigers didn't cover poop. "Too much poop was everywhere."
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Jetblue Attendant A Hero?
Web embraces JetBlue flight attendant in NY ruckus. Attendant may put out song: Take This Job And Shove It!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Lucy People Couldn't Sing
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. "While 'Dezi' species mostly sat around and sang "Babaloo".
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
"Lucy" People Had Hardware Stores
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. Her people had stone hardware stores.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Lucy Used Stone Tools
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. "But hadn't learned crows toolmaking to use to get food it can't reach.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Greeks Recession Deepens
Greek recession deepens as austerity bites* *Note: See US two years from now.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Job-Screening Tactics Challenged
Some job-screening tactics challenged as illegal: "And what are your exact measurements, please?"
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Dems Rally For Rangel
Top Dems rally around Rep. Rangel at NY fundraiser, just as GOP was hoping.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
We're Almost Through Here
White House: US on track to end Iraq combat role, so where to next?
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
At Least It's A Peaceful Exchange
Blockage of US-Russia civil nuclear deal unlikely as crazed US, Russia exchange nuclear material.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Deadlock : Blagojevich Jurors
Complexities may deadlock Blagojevich jurors as burp produces big flame of fire.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Al Knew Too
Long hot summer of fire and floods fit predictions, says naked Al Gore coming out of masseuse office.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Scientists Agree With Paul
Long hot summer of fire and floods fit predictions, according to Paul the Octopus.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Fresh Express Recall
Fresh Express is voluntarily recalling some of its salad products because of a possible health risk from Listeria monocytogenes. But say Listeria IS fresh!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Argentine Lake Offers Clues To Life On Mars
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars as so much water has been found on Mars that authorities believe that Rover drowned.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Feds Get Him After Only 2 years
FBI says 'Granddad Bandit' captured in Louisiana after grandchildren forget and call him Granddad Bandit at WalMart store.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Watchdog Disturbed
Watchdog panel cites global impact of US bailout, howls over amount of US debt!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Expert Druggy Testifies
Expert testifies about meds. "Uppers, downers, bounce-arounders. I've tried them all."
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Mets Closer Charged With Assault
Mets closer Rodriguez charged with assault after closing father-in-law's eye.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Soldiers Already Paid
US wants Iraq to pay bill for war victims. Iraq wants US to pay for their war victims.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Final Plug Needed
Gulf leaders wary over wavering on final plug of well. "What are they waiting for, Christmas?" typical remark.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Ariz Hunt Continues
Maddening manhunt for Ariz. fugitives reaches Arkansas where they may have hundreds of lookalikes!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Arizona Fugitives Still Loose
Maddening manhunt for Ariz. fugitives reaches Arkansas where over 2000 relatives could be hiding them.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Complexities May Deadlock Blagojevich Jurors #2
Complexities May Deadlock Blagojevich Jurors! Such as his voice sounding like more than one person.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Complexities May Deadlock Blagojevich Jurors
Complexities may deadlock Blagojevich jurors, such as his head spinning 360 degrees while on the stand.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Sovereign Citizens Number Grows
Sovereign citizens spin history, reject government, don't record births and deaths. Same as many Illegal immigrants.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Superbugs #2
New superbugs spreading from South Asia: study. Birds here wondering if they taste like chicken.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Superbugs On The Way
New superbugs spreading from South Asia: study. Raid hurries out big shipments of Super-Duper Bug Spray.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Argentine Lake #4
Argentine lake may hold the key to if there is life on Mars, who will win last major golf tournament this season.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Argentine Lake #3
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars, if Pluto is actually a planet after all.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Argentine Lake The Key?
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars, if there are Nessie-like creatures in all major waterways.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Argentine Lake Offers Clues
Argentine lake may offer clues to life on Mars, if there are Bigfoot.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Obama Policies Really Helping, NOT!
Company job openings, job applicant's mouths drop for 2nd straight month.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Don't Want To Think About It
Mountain of Economic Worry In Washington, Obama family may get away on vacation to the Gulf.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Ah Cisco, Ah Poncho!
Stocks look to extend drop after Cisco earnings, Poncho also down.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Foreclosures Up!
Homes lost to foreclosure up 6 pct from last year. So whatever the government is doing, STOP!!
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Judge Ruling Today
Judge to rule on stay Thursday in Prop. 8 case if gays are to wait for higher ruling or marry now and have it annulled later.
written by Bureau, 12 August 2010
Poor old Becks
'Too old. I ask you? What an insult!' David Beckham was upset. 'He never even told me he was dumping me.' But Becks thought he might get his revenge by playing with his new country, the United States.
written by j.w., 12 August 2010
Tea Party Has New Manifesto
They now go by the creed "Give Us Liberty or We'll Shoot"
written by Charpa93, 12 August 2010
Sir Henry Cooper haunted by 1963 incident
Former boxer, Sir Henry Cooper, revealed how knocking down but not knocking out Muhammad Ali in 1963 has always haunted him. Cooper said he intends to fly to America next month to, "Finish the job."
written by Philip Wright, 12 August 2010
Buckingham Palace release stats
The Palace have revealed that 90% of the Queen's engagements for the next 12months are "public relations," of which 84% of those are "Repairing damage to public relations- caused by Prince Philip."
written by Philip Wright, 12 August 2010
Privacy Concerns Alleviated
Is Google Sat seeing you skinny dipping in your birthday suit? Then you need a Ronco (Russian design) do-it-yourself S-300 anti-satellite system. Free shipping if you call right now 1-800-BUZZOFF!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
Hillary for Vice President in 2012
Secretary of State Clinton may be President Obama's running mate in 2012. The president needs someone with testicular fortitude. If elected, Hillary's Secret Service designation will be "Dick Cheney!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
Democrats Still not Listening
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs calls for "Progressives" (the professional left) to be drug tested! Republican Party spokesman says "we have been telling the USA this for the last two years!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
IRS Ruling
The IRS says that taxpayers cannot take President Obama and your Democratic liberal left Congressman as tax deductions, even though we are supporting their frivolous spending habits!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
"Splain Me Lucy?"
EPA tightens Mercury emissions from cement plants, some being forced to close & jobs are lost. USA then buys cement from China/India, who does not give a rat's patootie about global mercury emissions!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
Turned Off by Left Wing Ineptness
The "under 30 yrs. voters" helped elect Barack Obama president in 2008. They have been so disillusioned with his administration, don't' look for them to vote again until the 2050 elections as seniors.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
Let's Correct the Problem
The 2008 elections gave us an inept Democratic liberal left President and Congress. The 2010 mid-term elections can give the USA a competent Congress (House and Senate). Two out of three isn't bad!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 August 2010
David Beckham's heart in right place
Victoria Beckham asked that her present from David be, "A nice photo of you and the boys."
Posh was left disappointed when she unwrapped a framed photograph of her husband and the England squad.
written by Philip Wright, 12 August 2010
