Wild octopuses are far from being the melancholic and forlorn losers of their captive brethren. At Berkeley, a team of sexually deprived marine biologists were assembled and sent to the coast of Indonesia to party with the octopuses, and study their sex lives.
According to folklore, the octopus' robust sex drive revolves around sub aquatic clubbing with baby seals and the kind of group orgies that make White House whore-mongering look like a cakewalk with Richard Simmons jumping out.
The scientists watched and salivated over the Abdopus aculeatus octopus, which are the size of an orange wireless dildo, for what seemed like several weeks. Here they witnessed picky, macho males carefully select a mate, and then guard their newly domesticated digs so jealously that they would occasionally use their 8-to-10-inch tentacles to jack each other off when they are unable to find a rape victim.
The researchers also observed smaller "sneaker" male octopuses put on feminine airs, girlishly nancing about the coral reefs in lingerie stolen from the Titanic wreckage and trying to seduce sea urchins to one of their exclusive soirées. This to the credit of the recent findings, charges a nonrefundable membership fee at the door for sea biscuits and bearded clams.
And size does indeed matter - but not when you have 8 appendages flailing wildly patrolling for someone to grip, flip and fondle.
"If you're going to spend time on the strip trolling for females, you want to go for the fattest female you can find because she's going to produce a lot more eggs that can be commercially harvested and exported for Easter," Said UC biologist Roy Caldwell, who was arrested recently for violating the Crustacean Coast Accord (CCA) when he was caught in the 69 position with a hermit crab.
Shortly after the female gives her eggs up for adoption, the mother and father die from dysfunction that could only be emulated from human behavior, researchers said. There aren't any Wal-Mart bathrooms around these regions, so it is fascinating that marine biologists would choose scallop sodomy over a conventional human courtesan.
"It's not the sex that leads to death," said Christine Huffard, the study's lead author. "It's the fact that their habitual aphrodisiacs have been threatened to extinction by innovative contraceptives making "The Sponge" an obsolete form of birth control.
