The National Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia (also known as the Youngman-Oldman Unit for Diseases, Infections and Epidemics) announced yesterday that 417 cases of a new and particularly fast-acting strain of so-called "mad cow" disease have been detected in the United States.
Affecting even lifelong vegetarians and, of course, incurable like the more familiar strain previously identified, this disease seems to be transmitted by merely thinking about the possibility of contracting it.
So far there is no hope for a cure, but three stages have been identified in the malady's progress.
The first symptom is the ability to pronounce "Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy". In the next stage, the victim suffers a breakdown in the mental process for making simple binary decisions, such as whether or not to use foul language in front of one's grandmother or to fart loudly during weddings and funerals. The tertiary stage is marked by short but startlingly violent fits of sneezing, coughing, burping, yawning and hiccupping, all at once.
Sufferers compulsively seek out crowded theaters in which to yell "Fire!" However, researchers noted that in 62% of the cases, the victim displays none of these symptoms and simply dies suddenly with no warning whatsoever, invariably just before sex.
